3 years pass. We grow and change, but we are still the essence of who we are when we got married...spontaneous, spunky, fun. We get pregnant. And we are excited! We plan and decide how we're going to try and be spontaneous, spunky, fun parents. December 17th rolls around and we hear no heartbeat. Dec. 18th, Lyra's born. Dec. 19th we bury her.
Our 4 year anniversary comes on Dec. 28th. We hold hands, and hope that this is the worst we have to experience. We know it won't be easy, but surely it can't get worse than this?
Except, we have to learn who we are all over again. Not just who he is. But who I am. I'm more akin to a sloth now, than the quirky redhead I was before. Can I even go back to who I was? Is it even possible, and if it was, what steps do I even take to get there? It's scary to think that my husband married me, the Rachel I was then, and now has to figure out how to love the Rachel I am now.
This is by no means a revelation that our marriage is falling apart, or that we hate each other. This is not pointing a finger at my husband, blaming him for something. This is a revelation that I have no clue who I am, and I feel old and sad and not like myself. I don't know what makes me feel alive. I don't know what I really enjoy outside my art. Where is my spark? It will be six months soon. Will it take a year? Will it take 18 months? How do you flounder around during those months, til you're more yourself? Or is the rest of our lives, after a loss like this, just about getting used to floundering?
I detest this picture, but I'm trying not to be neurotic enough to try drawing it 20 more times before giving up and not posting at all. I need to beat down the critic a bit today. Except I'm not feeling well. So I'm going to go sleep.