As my cough continued, and my nose ran on, I thumped around the kitchen. I slammed doors and threw items forcefully in the trash. L looked at me out of the corner of his eye and quietly asked if everything was okay.
Yesterday was International Bereaved Mother's Day.
And I forgot. I did not change my profile picture on fb. I did not send messages to my fellow BLM's.
All I knew was that I was missing my first half marathon. I had not ran or exercised in two weeks. And my not-cheap, first experience at a half marathon was not happening. The thumping and slamming was my pity party (and it also included a batch of no-bake cookies).
When had I become emotional about non-dead baby things? For three years I've been an advocate for awareness on anything related to miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, and infertility. For three years I scoffed at things I felt were unimportant, but that "normal" people deemed important...missing a tv show, work drama, etc.
Part of me wishes I'd been astute enough to plan for this half marathon on IBMD day, so that I could run for me and my fellow mama's. Part of me wonders if I'm losing my touch with the BLM world, and what that means. I'm confused about this new role I have, this new hobby and lifestyle. About who I'm becoming yet.
I hope you felt valued yesterday. I hope you feel valued every day, even if you don't have your baby(s) in your arms. I hope you know that even if I don't write here, I'm still thinking of you all, and of your baby(s). Sending love.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
"What I Mean When I Say My Daughter Was Stillborn"
This brilliant article is over at Still Standing Magazine...read to understand, to feel less alone, to learn or to continue grieving. Much love.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Goals Check In
It's Thursday already, which is odd because it feels like we just started this week. I'm writing this post mainly because I finished a book last night, and that always gets me thinking about the fresh new possibilities of what book I'll read next. And then I looked at where I'm at with my book goal from my post back in January, and I got all excited to see what I'd completed or needed to still work towards.
----
2013:
Run my first10k and half marathon by May.
Get strong enough to do pullups. (I've done two, but I can't consistently do them yet, so I'm not crossing this one out completely yet.)
Get my next tattoo.
Paint a giant watercolor. (I do have the paper cut finally. Now to just sit down and sketch it out!)
Draw more.(Year long endeavor, but I have done quite a bit more than I had been.)
Go camping this summer as a family. (It snowed yesterday, and today is supposed to be 30 degrees warmer already...welcome to Kansas - where we don't do weather in moderation, but only extremes.)
----
I think I'd like to add two things as well:
- Talking to the nearby hospital where they deliver babies and making hats or donating boxes for babies that are stillborn.
- I just finished up an art show for my two art students (see pic below), and I think I have an inkling to try and organize a community art show to get the broader population of our tiny town involved.
----
2013:
Run my first
Get strong enough to do pullups. (I've done two, but I can't consistently do them yet, so I'm not crossing this one out completely yet.)
Paint a giant watercolor. (I do have the paper cut finally. Now to just sit down and sketch it out!)
Draw more.(Year long endeavor, but I have done quite a bit more than I had been.)
Go camping this summer as a family. (It snowed yesterday, and today is supposed to be 30 degrees warmer already...welcome to Kansas - where we don't do weather in moderation, but only extremes.)
----
I think I'd like to add two things as well:
- Talking to the nearby hospital where they deliver babies and making hats or donating boxes for babies that are stillborn.
- I just finished up an art show for my two art students (see pic below), and I think I have an inkling to try and organize a community art show to get the broader population of our tiny town involved.
----
Somedays it feels really amazing I'm even at a capacity to make goals and make them happen. There was a long time where I never thought I'd really have that energy again. Or care enough to do much more than basic survival. It's nice to know that the dull aching isn't always at the forefront of my mind. So I hope I don't seem overly cheery...though that's not an inherently bad thing. But it feels odd sometimes still, though good.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Train Harder
One of my friends here in town gave me this shirt last night. (Did you catch that? I have a friend! And we're friendsy enough to get stuff for each other!!) She is my running buddy, and we follow each other's training and share all our running nerdiness together. And she was also witness to my first ever pull up! And 15 minutes later, my second pull up. I could only get two done, but I'd say that's still progress :D
As I have 6 weeks until my 1/2 marathon, I'm feeling unsure about my abilities during most of my runs. But this was a big boost in confidence. She mentioned that she saw it, and immediately thought of all the strength training, running and c.rossfit I'd been doing, and she had to get it for me. So, now when I question myself, I have this shirt to look on and remember that I can get it done, and that I have people who believe in me. And throw in the all inspirational people in this community (both non-runners and runners alike), and I should have no problem flying through those miles (right???).
Hoping this week is going well with gentle moments, bright memories, and lots of love.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Potty Training
I feel comfortable enough putting this out here, because pretty much everyone has potty trained someone or something in their lives. If you have dogs or rabbits or kids or husbands (ha!)...so I hope you'll forgive me for the content of this post :)
I also have to preface this post with this: I'm not promoting any particular training plan and I don't expect this to work for everyone the way it worked for us. Every child and family is different, so I'm just sharing how this process worked for us in case it might help someone else.
For a few weeks now, Simon has been going up to the toilet, and "pulling" the front of his diaper down, like Daddy. A few times I've taken his diaper off and let him stand there, and a few times he was able to go in the toilet. But mostly, it's just been mimicry. This last week though, he seemed particularly interested, and I joked with L before he left for work that maybe we'd be potty training that day. And then I realized I should go all in if I wanted to help Simon (and myself), so I did some quick research, and fortunately had already bought stickers and candy for the occasion.
----
Day 1:
We spent all day in the bathroom. Yes, you read that right. We have no area in our house that is not carpeted (ugh), so I figured hanging out in the bathroom would be a good limited area to stage this first day. I took off all his clothes but a t-shirt so there was nothing to mimic a diaper in his mind. We had n.etflix on the ipad, some toys, snacks and lots of water/juice. I asked him every 10-15 minutes if he needed to pee, and he always said no. So I learned to start saying, "It's time to pee." And he'd go stand on the stool in front of the toilet, and try. That first day he went 19 times in the toilet. One sticker was awarded per pee, and two would be awarded for poops (none this day). Getting three stickers in a row meant a piece of candy.
We did go outside after L got home, and I focused on dinner. His only accident of the day was then. And those are fine, because it's a reminder for him of why pee (or poop) goes in the potty.
Nap and Nighttime are still diapered. I dont' know that I'm going to mess with that right now...I can handle two diapers at the moment.
Day 2:
We spent another morning in the bathroom. Going poop in the potty is going to be a harder task, because it's not a timed occasion or Simon. It's sporadic and not always daily. So this morning I missed it happening, and we just worked on putting it in the potty after it happened. I still had him half naked, and that helped with ease when he went potty, so he didn't have to pull anything down. We still operated on a 15 minute schedule. 21 successful times today. 2 accidents.
We ventured to the rest of the house in the afternoon. And we did go outside in 20 minute increments. I put him commando in loose pants. No complaints about coming in to pee, as long as I reiterated that we'd be going back outside. Same with pauses in playing with toys, etc.
Day 3:
Simon started telling me when he needed to pee, and we knocked off our first sticker chart because it was already full! While at home, I still have him half naked. We went out in the morning to get the mail, and still had him commando in loose pants. No accidents. And another trip out in the afternoon with no accident. We moved to 15-20 minute increments between pee checks, when I had to remind him.
And this ended the "intense" potty training, because he seemed to grasp the concept really well.
Day 4:
We went to a friend's house for 3 hours this day, still commando in loose pants. Simon did great going in the toilet there, and there were no accidents. I checked on him every 30 minutes, or when I knew he was drinking more. We also went out to eat at a restaurant in town later in the day, and he managed fine there too. I'm pretty stinkin' proud of him at this point. My kid's a rockstar when it comes to peeing.
Day 5:
Today we went to my Grandma's house, and he was comfortable going there, with no accidents. Another day commando in loose pants. I might follow through with that for a while yet, just so he doesn't have additional underwear to try and pull down too, and maybe until we have a better handle on pooping. I don't want to throw underwear on him and it feel enough like a diaper that he doesn't bother trying to poop on the toilet.
----
All in all, I feel pretty lucky that he has handled it so well so far. I'm kinda waiting for him to regress or something, and if he does, we'll just adjust and do what we need to do. But that's where we are at right now. The three day intense training was rather exhausting...I literally spent every waking moment at his side, on the floor or bent over him. But it seemed like a good move for us to do, and Simon responded to it well. If he hadn't, we would have tried something else.
So there's that. Look forward to some future posts about artsy related things. A good friend planted an idea in my head, and I hope to expound on it here. Happy Weekend to you all, and sending lots of love.
I also have to preface this post with this: I'm not promoting any particular training plan and I don't expect this to work for everyone the way it worked for us. Every child and family is different, so I'm just sharing how this process worked for us in case it might help someone else.
For a few weeks now, Simon has been going up to the toilet, and "pulling" the front of his diaper down, like Daddy. A few times I've taken his diaper off and let him stand there, and a few times he was able to go in the toilet. But mostly, it's just been mimicry. This last week though, he seemed particularly interested, and I joked with L before he left for work that maybe we'd be potty training that day. And then I realized I should go all in if I wanted to help Simon (and myself), so I did some quick research, and fortunately had already bought stickers and candy for the occasion.
----
Day 1:
We spent all day in the bathroom. Yes, you read that right. We have no area in our house that is not carpeted (ugh), so I figured hanging out in the bathroom would be a good limited area to stage this first day. I took off all his clothes but a t-shirt so there was nothing to mimic a diaper in his mind. We had n.etflix on the ipad, some toys, snacks and lots of water/juice. I asked him every 10-15 minutes if he needed to pee, and he always said no. So I learned to start saying, "It's time to pee." And he'd go stand on the stool in front of the toilet, and try. That first day he went 19 times in the toilet. One sticker was awarded per pee, and two would be awarded for poops (none this day). Getting three stickers in a row meant a piece of candy.
We did go outside after L got home, and I focused on dinner. His only accident of the day was then. And those are fine, because it's a reminder for him of why pee (or poop) goes in the potty.
Nap and Nighttime are still diapered. I dont' know that I'm going to mess with that right now...I can handle two diapers at the moment.
Day 2:
We spent another morning in the bathroom. Going poop in the potty is going to be a harder task, because it's not a timed occasion or Simon. It's sporadic and not always daily. So this morning I missed it happening, and we just worked on putting it in the potty after it happened. I still had him half naked, and that helped with ease when he went potty, so he didn't have to pull anything down. We still operated on a 15 minute schedule. 21 successful times today. 2 accidents.
We ventured to the rest of the house in the afternoon. And we did go outside in 20 minute increments. I put him commando in loose pants. No complaints about coming in to pee, as long as I reiterated that we'd be going back outside. Same with pauses in playing with toys, etc.
Day 3:
Simon started telling me when he needed to pee, and we knocked off our first sticker chart because it was already full! While at home, I still have him half naked. We went out in the morning to get the mail, and still had him commando in loose pants. No accidents. And another trip out in the afternoon with no accident. We moved to 15-20 minute increments between pee checks, when I had to remind him.
And this ended the "intense" potty training, because he seemed to grasp the concept really well.
Day 4:
We went to a friend's house for 3 hours this day, still commando in loose pants. Simon did great going in the toilet there, and there were no accidents. I checked on him every 30 minutes, or when I knew he was drinking more. We also went out to eat at a restaurant in town later in the day, and he managed fine there too. I'm pretty stinkin' proud of him at this point. My kid's a rockstar when it comes to peeing.
Day 5:
Today we went to my Grandma's house, and he was comfortable going there, with no accidents. Another day commando in loose pants. I might follow through with that for a while yet, just so he doesn't have additional underwear to try and pull down too, and maybe until we have a better handle on pooping. I don't want to throw underwear on him and it feel enough like a diaper that he doesn't bother trying to poop on the toilet.
----
All in all, I feel pretty lucky that he has handled it so well so far. I'm kinda waiting for him to regress or something, and if he does, we'll just adjust and do what we need to do. But that's where we are at right now. The three day intense training was rather exhausting...I literally spent every waking moment at his side, on the floor or bent over him. But it seemed like a good move for us to do, and Simon responded to it well. If he hadn't, we would have tried something else.
So there's that. Look forward to some future posts about artsy related things. A good friend planted an idea in my head, and I hope to expound on it here. Happy Weekend to you all, and sending lots of love.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Heavy
I lay awake last night, listening to our heater kick on and off and to Simon's rustling in his crib as he slept. I couldn't sleep as yet another family joined the ranks of our babylost club.
After finding the full identity of the family, a semi-aquaintence through my husband and our college world, I was struck with the full force of that raw grief again. I sat on the floor yesterday afternoon, crying with the weight of it. Simon came running up with a huge hug, and I let him tackle me. He looked at me, and then lay his head down on me, and we just lay there for a time. No wriggling or goofiness. He just seemingly understood I needed some love and grounding.
I've been asked to create a family painting for this family, and I'm honored to do so. I had a candle lit all day yesterday for them. I have one lit today for all of ours too.
Wishing you love and light.
After finding the full identity of the family, a semi-aquaintence through my husband and our college world, I was struck with the full force of that raw grief again. I sat on the floor yesterday afternoon, crying with the weight of it. Simon came running up with a huge hug, and I let him tackle me. He looked at me, and then lay his head down on me, and we just lay there for a time. No wriggling or goofiness. He just seemingly understood I needed some love and grounding.
I've been asked to create a family painting for this family, and I'm honored to do so. I had a candle lit all day yesterday for them. I have one lit today for all of ours too.
Wishing you love and light.
Friday, February 1, 2013
2 years old
Today he's two.
It's been a tremendously awful week. We've all been ill, with Simon and L still rather defeated at the moment. We've canceled Simon's party for tomorrow, so we don't gather everyone to share all of our germs and continue a vicious cycle.
But I still put decorations up. And even though I'll begin antibiotics for Simon today, I'll still make a cake. Because this day is celebratory - this is the day we held our boy!
It's been a tremendously awful week. We've all been ill, with Simon and L still rather defeated at the moment. We've canceled Simon's party for tomorrow, so we don't gather everyone to share all of our germs and continue a vicious cycle.
But I still put decorations up. And even though I'll begin antibiotics for Simon today, I'll still make a cake. Because this day is celebratory - this is the day we held our boy!
Birth - 1 year - 2 yearish
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