Random: Feeling

I have a live baby. And that's kinda weird.

It shouldn't be. Lots of people have live babies. But since Lyra died, I didn't trust it would actually happen for us again. Call it lack of faith, or optimism or good mojo.

And we worked so hard to keep Simon alive and well while I was pregnant. That was our entire mindset - was to just make it the next appointment with a heartbeat and as few issues as possible. Hoping death and bad luck would stay away this time.

We're one of the lucky ones. It did stay away. But we didn't fully engage ourselves in what the implications of bringing home a live baby were. Holy shit. He's here and we get to keep him!

I'm waiting to feel again though. These 5 days with Simon have been crazy awesome. Not easy by any means, but he just is simply wonderful. And I don't think I've let myself feel so I don't ruin it. Or maybe it's just the baby-moon that everyone talks about. I'm kinda just waiting to crash and burn emotionally...with the normal hormonal imbalance and newborn stresses that happen, along with the grief of what we've missed with Lyra. I'm sure you can look forward to a post about all that sometime...

But for now, I'm relishing the sweetness that is my son. I know it's not easy always...we're all at different life stages and grief stages, but thank you for welcoming him, and for your happiness for us. I've not commented lately, but am keeping up with all your posts.

Wishing everyone a bright moment of happiness this coming week.

Random: Ready

I'm ready to get this show on the road!

Random: Hearts

I had a very kind individual who knows about Lyra, tell me in excitement for Simon's arrival, that it's amazing how much one's heart will grow with the birth of this first baby. I calmly agreed, saying in my head that I knew how much a mother's heart grows...I experienced it with Lyra. That this was not my first experience with loving a child. Though I didn't get to bring Lyra home and nurture her and raise her, my heart still expanded.

I walked away from that conversation knowing the person intended only to make a connection to me...to share an experience. They meant no harm, and they don't realize my experience fully. But it makes me wonder how many people will see Simon as our first, even if they know about Lyra.

I, of course, can't control how people feel and how they view our family. I can only do my part to actively remember her, and try not to take it personally when she is forgotten or overlooked. It's awkward for people, and I'm still learning how to do all this too.

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I keep riding the fence about how I'm supposed to be feeling. Excitement? Anxiousness? Fear? Happiness? "Supposed to be" of course is where my therapist stops me and asks me to rephrase it to just, "how I'm feeling". I'm continually confused because if I feel excited about the possibility that Simon will be alright and alive, then I feel like I'm stepping away from my post at grieving over Lyra...I'm stepping further away from a shared experience with friends and recent moms who experience baby death...I'm gaining a more "normal" look to the outside world.

I told a close BLM friend that I have this selfish perspective that my grief is unique. That I feel like I deserve something extra because my baby died. Maybe that's why I balk at the idea that I will look "normal" to other people. That this makes me less accessible to other BLM's. That Lyra is minimized because I will hopefully have a child to take up my time and energy.

I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else. I probably am driving you all crazy because I'm not just "happy" or "sad". It's always a confusing mixture of both.  With a big dose of selfishness added in. And so continues the process of figuring out this grief, and life in general...right?

Random: Reports and Awards

Last Friday I got a call about the echo and scan report. Cyst still on the brain. Head still measuring large. The echo was clean though, so that's a good sign.

Today was my last appointment before being induced. At 38 weeks the sono tech measured Simon at 8lbs 3oz, but also reminded me that their equipment was usually on the heavier end of measuring, by maybe half a pound. One week left though, unless Simon gets antsy and wants out sooner!

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For those who haven't, you need to check out the Faces 2 Faces group directory to see if there is a group formed in your area. Three of us gathered here in town last night for our first meeting, and hopefully there can be more connections made in coming weeks and months as word is spread about this group!

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I want to thank Letters to Claire and Butterfly Mom for giving me awards this past week. I'm sure over the last few months I should have given credit to many others for awards, or gifts, or thoughtful gestures. I want to be sure and say that if I haven't publicly announced or posted pictures of things you sent or done for Lyra or me (and even Simon), it's not because I don't appreciate it. I hold each of them close to my heart. So although this seems to be a big generic 'thank you', there is a spot on my dresser where I put items/notes/remembrances of the mama's who send a gift, or write, or award things to me. I am grateful for the online and real life friends who stick by me and continue to encourage me...this could get all mushy, but I'll just stop there.

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I'm currently reading They Were Still Born . Highly recommending it to those who have experienced a stillbirth of a child, or for family members of those who have.

Random: Dream

I had another dream about Simon. He was newborn, and we were in California again. I wanted to take him to the beach, so I jumped on my bike and had him in a sling I think. It brought back good memories of traveling through the state and the scenic variety of mountains to agricultural plots to beaches. And added a bit of hope that he might just arrive safely.

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No report was sent to my doctor this week about his heart echo and brain scan. Hearing what the sono tech had told me though, my doctor believe she wouldn't have told me everything looked good if it didn't. She would have danced around it by saying, "I'm not a doctor, I only take the pictures." I expect to know more about it this coming week though.

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And we just wait. This next week is my last appointment (!).

1.17.11

This post, paired with the last post, are perfect examples of the dual mindset I have right now. One shows a woman full and very pregnant...how lucky and grateful I am to be in this state of life again. Today is showing emptiness...a previous experience, or a continued experience as a BLM?

I know I've belabored this point, but I just miss Lyra. And despite the goodness of Simon, and our anxious waiting for him to be here, there's always a part of our family missing...a part of me that feels empty without her. This drawing is just a small aspect of a moment in my day...it's not a constant image. But it's there, floating around, as an experience that will forever be a part of my life.

I think life after losing your child is about duality, which this bit below perfectly describes:


"Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity."

-Author Unknown-

1.14.11

One of my birthday gifts was a collection of 36 Copic markers. This was one of the better doodles I've done in practicing with them. I have a ways to go until I'm confidant with them, but I like what versatility they seem to provide. Of course I didn't sketch this in pencil, so after I'd outlined the background circle I saw how obviously un-circle like it was, all I could really do was grumble. Ah well.

Random: Unofficially

Unofficially, his heart looks fine according to the tech. Cyst is still there. The official report from the specialist with be available next week, if there are to be any hidden "you should be aware of" statements.


Officially, this kid still has a massive head and is 6 lbs, 13 oz.


Officially, a February 1st induction date was set for me yesterday. 


Officially, thank you for your thoughts, love and wishes for Simon's well being. He's one lucky guy to have all you out there rooting for him. I know I am also incredibly lucky to have you all encouraging me. I hope I have a certified, "all clear" to report back next week.
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If you are friends with me on fb or elsewhere I've already saturated the social networks with info on this link: http://bit.ly/gpkn8c. It might be a good read for the male counterparts out there who don't hear a lot of feedback from other dad's on their experience with stillbirth. Plus, it's fairly well known sports guys who are willing to discuss it.
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My first copy of "They Were Still Born " arrived today. It was one of the presents L got me for my birthday! I hope to donate one to my local library here before I leave, and one in our new town too.

Random: 1.11.11

So, this arrived in the mail yesterday!

I ordered it from etsy, and am super excited to have this as my necklace for Lyra this coming year. This artist customized it specifically with the Lyra constellation, and I'm just thrilled to start wearing it!

And it was perfect timing as today is my birthday. I don't remember much of my birthday last year...everything was still really foggy and we were just so sad. It was hard to feel celebratory over a birthday when our daughter died less than a month earlier. I think we were still moving to this apartment, so we probably packed and moved a bunch of stuff. And L surprised me with a really nice cardigan. I guess I do remember a little bit.

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Thursday is Simon's heart echo and brain scan. If you could, send a good vibe or prayer that there is nothing to be concerned about. I'm trying not to worry since we don't have full information yet. Once we have something more solid, either with the echo/scan, or when he's born, then we can know more about whether to worry or not. (Easier said than done...)

I'm still having contractions throughout the day, but not painful ones, so I'm not expecting him to make an entrance as of yet. I don't know the whole natural labor thing, as I was induced with Lyra. L is hoping he comes within the next 8 days though, so his birthdate can be a palindrome...I should have expected that marrying a math/computer science guy :)

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Wishing you all some peaceful moments this week.

Random: Progression

Simon is still measuring ahead. He always passes his biophysical with flying colors too.

Today the doctor checked me out and I'm at 3 cm dilated, and 90% effaced. He was surprised, but not at all concerned. He believed Simon would come before our 39 week induction plan. We'll just see when this little guy comes. I've read that people sit at this stage for 2 weeks, and all sorts of variations in between, so I'm not expecting him tonight or anything. Again, his weight is somewhere in the upper 6lb range already, so the doctor is confidant he'd be just fine if he came soon. I'd feel better knowing that he's safe and sound, with no abruption or other issues...and I'm surprisingly calm about the whole labor and delivery scenario even.

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Random: Bathroom trips

As I stumble to the bathroom for the fourth time in the night, the thought crosses my mind that this interrupted sleep is good practice for when the baby is here. I envision holding her and feeding her and rocking her back to sleep.

Then I groggily chastise myself for forgetting that it will be Simon, and not Lyra. I'd think an entire year without her would change that...that having seen his boy parts every week now would have brought him out from underneath her shadow. He is the reality that we hope to bring home within the next month, whereas she is gone.

I'm slowly getting excited as the concept of us bringing a baby home seems to get closer. I know there's still plenty that can go wrong. But I'm hoping nothing does...I want to meet my son and look him in the eyes and connect to him. To establish him as his own person.

I just really miss her though.

Random: Cyst Update

Bio-physical looked good:
Simon opened his mouth and swallowed, grabbed at his face, and is measuring ahead at 5lbs, 9oz.

The cyst has not grown. 

According to the specialist who works with my doctor, his head size is in the 97th percentile (1.9 on the standard deviation scale...macro.cephaly is usually diagnosed at 2.0). Pair that with the cyst, and that is enough of a concern to warrant an extra sono of his brain again, and an echo of his heart to check for any problems. That appointment is schedule in January. My doctor explicitly said that they have not diagnosed him with macro.cephaly, or anything else for that matter...but they just want to do these extra steps to find out if there is anything to be concerned about. If he has heart issues, they can be ready for it when he's born and it might point us in a direction of what syndrome or scenario we can anticipate in how to best take care of him.

Or it could all be nothing and he'll be just fine. 

We can only take a day at a time.

Random: Cyst Sonogram

My doctor was irate about the sonogram mix-up, so he made sure I got in today to get the cysts checked out. Simon decided to burrow his head down in my pelvis so the tech had a hard time seeing his brain. After a bit of work she saw there was one cyst still remaining on the left side (boo); the one on the right had disappeared (yay).

The doctor's not concerned about there still being a cyst, unless it's gotten bigger. I'm hoping Simon's heart and leg and arm measurements are all ok too, as those can sometimes help indicate if there's something else to be concerned about. The full report will be sent to my doctor so I'll know much more (hopefully) next week when I meet with him again.

Although not bad news, it's not an "All Clear", which would be one less thing to worry about.

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I'm so thankful for the ornaments I've received in the mail that were made while thinking of Lyra. I've gotten several other things in remembrance of her, and a good friend even made a donation in memory of her. And the comments here have been very encouraging. I've looked them over several times when I've started to feel down. I feel obligated to hold it all together, though I don't know what that will prove. So much is planned during these days and I've turned down so many things because it's supposed to be a fun and festive time (in regards to parties)- not deeply thoughtful and sad. And I haven't reached the point where I can just avoid talking about her or why this time of year is significant, and talk about Simon like everything's just peachy in our lives.

I just miss her, and what we were to have with her in our lives.

Random: Hospital & 32 week sono

Everything preterm labor related says to go to the hospital if you have more than 4 contractions in an hour and back pain and you know the list...so I went into the hospital Sunday night.  I was hesitant to go in because it was the same day we went in to the hospital to check on Lyra one year ago. They monitored me for a while and did the "check to see if labor might happen in the next two weeks" test. It came back negative, and they discharged me telling me to return if the contractions/pain got worse. They disappeared by Monday afternoon.

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I know some of my posts recently have been predominantly about Simon and this pregnancy. I'm trying to not just repeat myself about how much I miss Lyra, or feel guilty still, or whatever pertains to grief. Sometimes I read other BLM posts that state exactly what I'm feeling so much more succinctly than I could, so I don't bother trying to write it myself.  I also haven't done a lot of art lately, which is what I intended this blog to be mainly about. But I'm realizing I have to be open to how things develop and change...including myself. My therapist today reinforced that I need to take care of me first and foremost and not fall back into worrying about what other people think or might be uncomfortable about in regards to my grief and this pregnancy. It's easy for me to start worrying about this blog...that I'll lose followers if I don't do enough art, or if I talk about Simon too much, or am grammatically incorrect. Silly me...it's not about you (sorry). This is my space to be angry and sort things out and heal. If I find others who connect with me, great. If I don't, then ultimately it's still a step at a time for me, with whatever rambling I present, or painting I do, or picture I take. In fact, saying all this is a big step in itself... :)

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Today was supposed to be the follow-up sono for the cysts, but there was a mix-up of some sort and it ended up being a bio-physical one instead. Getting that straightened out is on the schedule for tomorrow when I meet with my doc.

The last sono tech I had curtly responded to any questions I had, "I just take pictures." The one today was amiable and so very encouraging and friendly. She unknowingly gave me a huge boost in spirit by asking about the abruption with Lyra. I mentioned I didn't have any external bleeding and no pain whatsoever. She responded, "You know we learn in school that there is supposed to be pain, but in my experience with abruptions, there are many women who never had any pain." I told her that it was unfortunate, but terribly reassuring to hear that. It made me feel less abnormal, and I needed that this week.

I'm including a 3-D picture of Simon. The sono tech mentioned that he had big, pouty lips...and that he does! His nose is also way bigger than Lyra's was. I think he's great though :)

Random: Appointments

Feeling positive after my doctor's appointment today. We have scheduled the cyst checking sonogram for next week!

AND weekly bio-physicals will be added to my normal weekly appointments from now on...woohoo! I'm more than happy to comply when we'll be seeing how many times Simon moves during a certain time period, and keeping and eye on the amniotic fluid and everything...every single week! I feel very very reassured and taken care of.

Ending there, so this stays a short and positive post!

Random

Today I'm 30 weeks, 3 days pregnant.

I've never been this pregnant before.

This is new territory I'm stepping into.

12.1.10

A small section of the giant painting. I'm feeling really good about it. I have quite a few bumps and wrinkles from the collage part of it, but I'm not fretting about it. It's a learning process :)

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Bullet point listing time:

- I got my hair trimmed today. Always feels good to just let someone else take care of something like your hair. My stylist is super easy to talk to and it's always a good experience.

- My Dr's appointment for this week went well. Newest info is that I'm not supposed to be doing much of anything...pretty much just resting at all times. He never mentioned the actual terminology "bedrest", but he mostly wants me sitting or lying down. I think since we don't know what caused the abruption before, he wants to eliminate as many scenarios as possible that could bring another about. If I'm just a lump on a log, then we have less to worry about. I'm going to request a butler monkey, as Angie has done.

- We got a few Christmas decorations up. Our apartment is so tiny, there's no room for a tree, but it feels subtly festive...which fits our mood just right.

- This made me laugh, and is somewhat true of our apartment building. 

- Today has been ok. That's a good start for such a difficult month :)

Random: 30 weeks

Today marks the beginning of the 30th week of this pregnancy. My irrational side says this is when doom ensues. My rational side says doom can ensue anytime...not just at 30 weeks. Ha...real positivity, eh?

Lyra died sometime between 30 weeks - 30 weeks, 2 days. The freakish nature of not having a cause or my not having felt any pain or symptoms of placental abruption haunt me. Not knowing that she was distressed, that her heart was slowing, and that she was dying swirl around and around in my brain.

I fear not knowing again. Either not knowing about another abruption, or one of the other billion things that can go wrong. I know this is a separate pregnancy, with a different baby. But I'm still the body having carried both Lyra and now Simon. There's that element that is still the same in both pregnancies. I fear it's capabilities to keep him alive and safe.

I still proceed each day though. I still talk to Simon, and am glad when he kicks...even when it hurts. I have gathered some other baby items in preparation for him. I've had two more dreams about holding him...alive and breathing. I think these things show good progress considering all that goes through my mind. I try to keep a lid on the crazy, but it's been comforting to read posts, comments and emails from other women who have made it through a pregnancy after loss...that I'm not abnormal in my fears, thoughts and hopes.

I'm thankful for everyone's words of support and encouragement so far and as we continue on...both friends online and in real life.

Random

We watched Alice in Wonderland recently. I'd mostly heard grumbles about it, but sometimes I like the grumbly movies for an odd reason or another. I must say that both L and I liked it quite a lot. I bring it up for the purpose of one quote in the movie that I took very much to heart...Alice is told, "‎You used to be much more..."muchier." You've lost your muchness." Alice of course goes on to find her "muchness"...the courage and strength and 'fill-in-the-blank-with-whatever-character trait-a-great-woman-should-have". But ever since the movie finished, I've been contemplating my "muchness"...or lack thereof. 

I didn't mean to concern anyone by not having been on any of the social networks lately. Thank you to those who sent comments or emails to see how I've been doing. Nothing terrible has happened. I just have felt disconnected. Or a lack of something to say. Or I have something to say, but it's just me pushing the repeat button on everything I always say. 

I feel like everyone just wants us to be happy (which is wonderful! Who wouldn't want to be happy?). But we're not. And though I do go to a small ladies group twice a month now, and go to lunch or coffee with friends, or hold a conversation in some social setting - I'm not ok. It's progress that I can do all those things. I see that. I do have good days. Some times multiples in a row. I'm proud of that. But I'm still really struggling with Lyra's death. I feel weak admitting that. I feel weak admitting I've fallen off the AEDM bandwagon. I feel weak that I am so overwhelmed with the holidays. And part of me worries someone in this world thinks I'm not doing enough. I'm not pulling myself up by my bootstraps or jumping back on the horse. I should be motivating myself and having positive thoughts which will propel me into being okay. And I struggle with the disappointment or disapproval I might get from people in my being honest and saying that this is where I'm at. Still. (And let's make it clear that I'm not upset with people wishing positive things for our lives. I'm thankful for people who care about our well being and only want the best. This last paragraph is not some snarky finger pointing at anyone. It's about my feelings on myself.)

See where the "muchness" quote hit home for me? I used to be "muchier" before last December. 

I had a very honest discussion about my artwork and grief with some people at a local coffee shop this past Sunday. I was invited to share, and of course got nervous about it. Started to try and "organize" my thoughts and what I'd say. A day or two before I realized that was unfair to how this whole process started. After Lyra died I didn't sit down and say, "Ok, let's set up a time table of when to do my art, what I'll do, and if the perspective is spot on." Nope, I just grabbed whatever and did whatever came out...what I was feeling. Instead of speaking my crazy, though I did do a fair share of that too, I created my crazy in some art form or another. So, for this discussion I went in with no notes or anything. Just my art, and my crazy :) I felt good about the morning. I got some really positive comments about my work, and my process. I knew it was such a specific area of grief, and tried to connect to the fact that there are so many other things that people can grieve about. And that a creative medium can be helpful in processing those feelings.

So after that experience, and writing about how I'm feeling in this post, I wonder why I'm not spewing this onto a canvas?  I'm a hypocrite. 

In other news, Simon is measuring almost two weeks ahead. I passed the glucose test. I start weekly appointments now. We'll do a cyst sono check-up in a month. All good things.

I'll finish this too long of a post up by acknowledging that I know there are people with worse scenarios than me. I'm not saying that my grumbles trump anyone else's. I'm just trying to be honest about myself. I hope to keep pondering "muchness" and how I can return to my "muchier" disposition, all the while hoping that my lack of it doesn't affect Simon's "muchness" factor.

Random

Yesterday was another appointment. And the dreaded glucose test, and I only say dreaded because when pregnant with Lyra I couldn't keep it down. I did fine yesterday though. Not much new to report...which again, is good. Sono to check on the cysts is not yet scheduled.

I've been having a hard time, with nothing in particular pin pointed; or if there is, my thoughts are muddled. I'm really not looking forward to the holidays...I've been struggling to know how to honor the day we delivered Lyra and held her for the first time. It's in between U.S. Thanksgiving and Christmas, but close enough that the grief taints both holidays. I'd like to just hibernate and be a grumpy bear missing her baby bear. Our families have been, and continue to be gracious with us in our grief. I'm sure I'll have some hibernating times, but it is also good to embrace the love from our families and not let these possible memories slip by.

I visit Lyra's grave today for her November visit. Time to gather her pumpkin, and check on the glass stars that were left last time. I have confidence now that her Tiger will still be there, untouched &  keeping watch.