"What I Mean When I Say My Daughter Was Stillborn"

This brilliant article is over at Still Standing Magazine...read to understand, to feel less alone, to learn or to continue grieving. Much love.

Thankful Tuesday 8.2.11

Three things I'm thankful for, or excited over, or just a listing of shtuff.

1. The band Mumford and Sons. New discovery for me...I know, I'm late to the music scene

2. August. Because August means cooler weather...and moisture....right!?  *looks to the sky and shakes fist*

3. A yummy, yummy carne asada recipe that reminded me of when we lived in California. It's simple, but delicious.

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Are you ready for a new season?

Wordless Wednesdays

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And on a not so wordless note:
Did you know that the "Right Where I Am" project had 160 participants? I read that in the wee hours this morning and my jaw dropped (I've obviously fallen behind in my reading of them all). And then I read from Angie's post that Josh at JACKatRANDOM created something that pulled the whole project into one unifying piece. It's amazing. I feel all mushy gushy and I don't really know what else to say, but thank you to Angie, and to Josh, and to all of you who participated and shared your perspective in where you are at.

Thankful Tuesday 7.19.11

I seem to be in a rut, but I'm working on sharing projects I've been doing, and I'll be trying to do more weekday "assignments"...such as Thankful Tuesday, Wordless Wednesday, etc. Those give me an idea of what to shoot for. We'll see how it goes. So bear with me, and if you have time I'd love to know if I still have anyone following or not. It'd be a nice little boost of confidence :)
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3 things I'm thankful for:

1. I made some discovery water bottles. I'm loving the glitter, dice, some change, and confetti!! One of the bottles has mostly glitter in it, which reminds me of Angie's post mentioning mind jars.

2. The temps this morning were almost what you'd consider "cool", so we sat outside on our crispy, dead grass and watched Dinah catch grasshoppers. It's fun to see her enjoy being outside. She's lost a considerable amount of weight, and though I'm sure this first summer is a severe adjustment temperature wise, she's doing really well. Love that kitty.

3. Our new couches are wonderful. Our living room feels welcoming and comfortable. We painted an accent wall purple, and got some curtains. It feels like a room you want to spend time in. Which is just the goal for us, and for having people over.

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What is something you are thankful for today?

Random: Wind and Projects

I'm sitting here in a quiet house, listening to the loud wind outside. There is always wind. I thought it was windy in our last location, but where we are now is even windier. Good hair days only happen if you stay inside and never leave the house. And if there are a few moments of no wind, you about fall over because you're so used to leaning into it all the time.


It's a constant. Which is comforting in it's own bizarre way.


Sweet Cynthia contacted me after she lost her little baby girl, Nara, and we exchanged some messages, one of which included this: "I will go and say "Lyra" to the wind. It's a windy day. It will travel far...she will be an international traveler." 


I may still grumble about the wind, but since that message, I have looked at the wind differently. I have used that phrase with other BLM's as well now, because there is so much wind here to help the names of so many loved babies travel far and wide. I'm thankful for that new perspective, and the inspiration from Cynthia.


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Simon, at 4.5 months, is:

-teething (it's quite an ordeal...poor little guy)

-enjoying his toes immensely (when he's not in the thralls of pain)

-practicing his sitting up (he loves the Bumbo his friend James lent to him)

-laughing and giggling even when we're not trying to make him do so

-still refusing to roll from tummy to back (he knows how since he did it several times when we was "younger"...he's just being stubborn)

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Somehow I've still managed to do a few projects...all inspired by things posted on Pin.terest. I think I've done 5 total: 
1) refashioning of some flip flops
2) refashioning frames for a cool display setup thingy (terribly unclear)
3) No Bake Vanilla Cake Batter Chocolate Truffles (yumm!)
4) started a painting
5) making a summer scarf


I have to work on things in 15 minute spurts...Simon distracts me. And I'm actually quite impatient. If it takes too long or is too detailed, I implode. It's a rather large drawback to being a creative person...you think I'd have worked through that by now :)


So many good ideas floating around out there...
And I like the feeling of creativity again.

Right Where I Am: One year, Five months

For the initial jump start for this post, jump over here.
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One year and five months makes it sound like a long time has passed since Lyra died. I suppose it kind of is. I now have Simon here...almost 4 months old. Things have changed. We've moved twice since she's been gone. We have a  house now. We have new neighbors...hell, we have a new town. That in itself changes everything. 


The rawness is gone, but the grief has left an indelible mark on me. I don't cry as often. But the tears are right below the surface some days. I think of her many times throughout my day, and as I discover new things with Simon, I sometimes faze out imagining how she would have been. It may be imaginary interest, but I feel good when Simon gazes at the stars I've put near the changing table or by his crib...or as he giggles at the mobile or pictures we made for her that he now enjoys. It feels like she is a tangible piece of our family and he's interacting with her, even if she can't be here.


But then I step outside the safe boundaries of our home, and re-enter the real world where it looks like we have just one child. And I try to interact with other moms and kids in a semi-normal capacity. Moving back to my hometown means some people know what happened. But even then, she's never really brought up. And those who don't know, ask about her tattooed footprints on my foot and to ease the silence after telling them, I change the subject to some newfound delight about Simon. It's just easier that way, and I'm ok with it. That's just how it will be.


I don't know what I expect from others still. You think I'd have figured that out by now. 


I've found myself falling back into my perfectionism state of mind. It may be the moving, or parenting a live child and fearing failure in that, or just my self critic popping up with a grand zeal again...but whatever the case, I've lost the ability to not care what people think. I feel I've lost a bit of what Lyra brought to me. I do hate that part of moving further away from the rawness of the grief. The raw emotion and grief gave me blinders to the expectations of others...to the fear of falling and failing. I did what felt natural and instinctive, and it felt good to be free. And I've slowly been shackled again. Maybe just because I haven't had time to do as much art. Maybe because I feel looked down upon for staying at home with Simon. So many reasons I could blame it on. But ultimately, I've allowed it to happen.


I feel like I just repeat myself. I have nothing new to offer to the already existing BLM's. The new ones, sure...they are looking for any and all bits of information that prove they can survive this. But I'm not good at interacting with lots of blogs and comments and I'm sure you've all noticed that. I feel like this blog saved my life...that this beautiful blogging community reached out and held me afloat on those hard days. But I don't feel like I'm contributing anything anymore. I'm feeling more disconnected, and alone. I'm not blaming the BLM community for that...but myself. I don't know what to write, and without posting any new art, what do I have? And sometimes what I feel like writing, I don't feel comfortable sharing with the real life readers I know stop by. I've considered closing this blog. But I haven't come to any solid conclusion about that. Maybe it's just run it's course in regards to being an external outlet for my grief. Maybe my grieving is more internal now...in a healthy way. Maybe it's not so healthy. I don't know.


I cringe internally a lot in regards to how grief in general is handled. When bad things happen to other people, and hearing what words are said and how easily it is swept under the rug. I have intentions of creating a FoLFoH group this way. And maybe signing up to help photograph for families...I don't think there's anyone in this neck of the woods who does that. It's heart-wrenching to think a family wouldn't get pictures with their child(ren). Of course I haven't initiated any of that though.


I know I tear up when I read another new story or hear from a friend about a miscarriage/stillbirth/infant death. It often make me flash back to certain moments in those days during and after her death. It doesn't wreck my whole day anymore though.


And because I do wear my heart on my sleeve, and because I believe and hope that maybe it may help another family or BLM feel less awful...I'm still angry and bitter. Mostly at God and religion. I hate to admit that. There are real life people who will be disappointed to read those words. I don't want to be fixed, or have a big, long, drawn out discussion about why I'm wrong. Or what I'm supposed to believe. Or whatever. But I'm not comfortable with the notion that God did this and has some great reason and plan for her death and for my life. And I'm not comfortable abandoning it all either. As I think I would have said before Lyra's death, I'm a life long student, and I'm still learning and figuring stuff out. 


I am "glad" to not feel so bogged down...the weight of it all seems less most days. It's more manageable. Course I'm lucky to have Simon to distract me and keep me busy. I don't know how I would look if I didn't have him here. I wonder how to tell him about her. Or his friends about her. Again, my tattoo is easy to point out, and I wonder how many kids or their parents I'll frighten by telling them babies die.


She's always here...right in my heart...In our home...In our family. I wonder how my grief will look in another year. And how we will continue to remember her.
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Thankfully Angie has brilliant ideas, and gave me an outlet to perhaps throw out something new here. I hope others will describe where they are at in their grief journey...it's important to see. As Angie stated:"Now, it's your turn. Where are you in your grief? Emotionally. Physically. Psychically. Title your post, "Right Where I Am:(Time since your child's death)". then come back here and link your blog post on the Mr. Linky. Click other participants and read about right where they are. Comment if you can. Just a thank you for telling me about right where you are. If you don't want to write a full post, why not just comment here and tell me the time since your loss(es) and anything else you want to share. Spread the word around the community by linking back to this post, so people can find out what grief is like on all stops on the road."

Thankful Tuesdays

3 Things I'm thankful for:

1. I got this surprise in the mail from Frost's mom (I LOVE surprises). It definitely lifted my spirits and I've appreciate the thoughtfulness and beauty of it. Notice Lyra's constellation she etched in....just perfect.

2. Skytimes had an ATC swap, and I got the Star one she had created! It's beautiful, and reminds me of my sweet Lyra.

3. I have to thank two lovely ladies for their thoughtfulness in passing along an award to me: Jessica at Too Beautiful for Earth and Anne at Harveys World. 

Here are the rules for the award:

   1. Accept the award and post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers.

3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.

Here are my top ten in no particular order:

1. Butterflies for Alexandra 
2. Missing Nara 
3. Teddy Bear Tins 
4. The Road Less Travelled 
5. Dear Stevie 
6. There Will Be Rest 
7. Walks with Frost 
8. Lily's Mommy Forever 
9. Tuesday's Hope 
10. Handprint on my Heart 

Link

I don't mean to quote out of context, so please be sure and read the whole post here from the blog "Ferdinand's Gifts ". The whole blog is brilliant, and I am continually drawn to much of what Janis has to say about grief and life after her son died. 

The following particularly helped give shape to some of what I've been feeling. 

Thank you Janis. Always remembering Ferdinand.

"Please do not be afraid to look upon my grief. It is not contagious. My grief is a part of my life, it will never go away, unless my heart is dead, and I no longer can love. Grief and love are intimately connected. So yes, even though it is not contagious, it may still touch you one day. Actually, it will. You may already have grieved, and mourned, without knowing it. If it had not been in your past, it will be in your future, because you are a living being, who actively participates in life, and therefore you have people, and things that you love, and one day you will lose them, and you will grieve."

"Please do not fear my grief. It is not death. On the contrary, it is throbbing with life. Only the living can grieve, even if they may feel like dying or feel they are dead. Grief is the dance between the dead and the living.

I feel grief, because I have feelings. Grief is a feeling, albeit a big one. Feelings are how we respond and interact with this world and our experiences. They come and go, but they always exist. I am not afraid to feel what I have to feel, because they are all about who I am and what my life is. In meditation we watch feelings come and go. We acknowledge these feelings and honor their place in our lives. Enlightenment is not about having no feelings. It is about embracing these feelings with grace and wisdom. It is appreciating these feelings and feeling compassion for all beings knowing that we will all have these feelings. Sometimes my grief is a small puff of passing cloud. Sometimes it is a light breeze, or a fleeting lightning in the distant horizon. Other times it is a raging storm that will not let up. It had also been a burst of rainbow.

I feel grief, I experience it, but it is not my name. You need not fear me. I am not an inconvenience, although I’ll admit sometimes I do not make for pleasant company. But I’m afraid there will always be times when I would not make for jolly or charming company, even if my son had not died. And the truth is, no one is always perfect company. This is just life, and we are all trying our best."

Thankful Tuesdays

(releasing this late Monday night, intended for Tuesday)
3 things I'm thankful for:

1) the Dave Matthews Band concert I was able to go to this past weekend! It's one of two bands that I really want to see live (the other being U2).

2) Rain that we've recently gotten that has finally cooled things off, even if only for two days.

3) This website: Glow in the Woods . I'm actually kinda new to it in this past month. I don't know how it didn't hit my radar before then. But it's got a dynamic posts by various writers who have experienced baby death. There's community questions and dialogue. Check it out.

Sketchbook Project

At 5am this morning, when I couldn't sleep, I was surfing my google reader and Creative Kismet had some information about the Sketchbook Project . After browsing their website, I have signed up and am busily thinking on my theme: Great Hopes, Massive Failures. I'm still doing the Creative Everyday Challenge (C.E.D.) this is just an added challenge. Which begs for me to explain how I'm going to manage to do this new project, when I've been less than everyday, heck, less than weekly on the C.E.D.?

Ha. I laugh in the face of obligatory feelings though. At least right now. I'm excited to do this project. And I even have an inkling to pick up my brushes and watercolor paper again. There is an ebb and flow in creativity. My ebbs have just been longer than my flows lately :)

One more day to leave a comment on the giveaway post . I choose the winner tomorrow!

Link

Please check out Kristin's new project, Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. She and her team have put together a is a beautiful way to share our stories, and see the faces of others that share in similar sorrows, grief, pain, and hope. I'm so glad for her vision for this, and I hope you consider sharing your story too.


Dear Stevie is Kristin's personal blog, and you might stop by and offer a word of encouragement for this new endeavor.

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My husband started a blog titled The Dark Room .
As he stated in his first post, "The dark room is a dream for a safe place to express our grief, pain, and anger. My own posts I will post in raw form, unedited and uncensored, because it is the most authentic perspective of the moments in which they were written. The goal is not despair, or hopelessness. The very opposite: to find hope in despair. The dark room is a chance to move from pain to healing by allowing the pain to be recognized. Only then can healing tug at our hearts and our souls."

Link

So...I kinda started an Etsy shop.

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It's International Babylost Mother's Day. Much love to all you mama's. Wishing our babies were in our arms today.  Loving you always Lyra.

 

4.19.10

Here I am playing catch-up on the March for Babies walk that was Saturday, the 17th. My camera batteries died, and one of my friends was gracious enough to donate her mad photo skills to get some of the following pics.


I woke up off and on all night long, nervous my alarm wasn't going to wake me up in time. It was a beautiful morning. After the glitch of our meeting place being closed, we got everyone gathered at the stadium for registration.  I knew to expect babies and children everywhere - and there were. 


I  held myself together quite well, except for when I was introduced to another mom who had lost one of her twins 5 years ago. When you stand there and know they have experienced something you have, and they understand where you are at, it's hard to hold it together. You try to keep it to tears with the people who don't know anything, but you just fall apart when they know exactly what it's like.


3 of us had made t-shirts, and I had made little badges for the rest of the walkers to wear.


We walked 2.5 miles, along the local river. I had my mother in law, and several good friends who walked with me, and I was thankful for them taking the time to support me in this. I was terribly disappointed in the local media though. I can't find any article or information on how many people attended, and no pictures from it. I plan to keep looking, but it's usually not this difficult. 


All in all, it was a good thing. I'm thankful to Maggie, because she had something about it on her blog and got me thinking about it.

Links

I'm waiting on some pictures, and then I'll post about the March for Babies walk that was yesterday. 


And I am blushing...two fellow blog mama's Maggie and Maddie have passed on this award to me (yes, my first award):

The rules of this award are:

1. copy and paste the award on your blog.
2. list who gave the award to you and use a link to her/his blog (or hyperlink).
3. list 10 things that make you happy.
4. pass the award on to other bloggers and visit their blog to let them know about the award.
So 10 things that make me happy (in no particular order):
1. Surprises (the good kind)
2. My husband
3. Getting cards by snail mail
4. Fresh, new office/art supplies
5. Lyra
6. Sleeping in
7. Dinah (my kitty)
8. Good friends (both on and offline)
9. Fun outings: Coffee shops, bookstores, parks, local shops
10. Reeces Pieces, Cookie Dough, Butterfingers, and Chewy Sprees


And I pass this award onto the following bloggers (I don't know who may have gotten it already):

1. Jaime @ Handprint on My Heart

2. Annie @ Cradles and Graves

3. Monica @ God's Gracie

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As I'm mostly down in the dumps, I think it's worthy to share something such as this, which made me chuckle fall off my chair laughing.

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I've been so honored by donations made to the March of Dime's 'March for Babies' walk that is happening this coming Saturday. As of now we're sitting at 6 walkers. And we're $15 away from our final goal! Yes, I said final because we already had to raise it once! Thank you everyone for your thoughts, for signing up to walk, or for donating. It means a lot to me, as this is a small way to do something for Lyra...and for all the other babies.

4.13.10

"Creativity is meant in the broadest sense, so it doesn't have to be something art related. Your creative acts could be in cooking, taking pictures, knitting, doodling, writing, dancing, decorating, singing, playing with your kids, brainstorming ideas, gardening, or making art in the form of collage, paint, or clay...or whatever!"  Taken from the Creative Everyday Challenge as a helpful reminder for myself.

Our old neighbors offered their yard for some urban gardening. We leapt at the chance to get to know them better and to keep our hands in the dirt since we're in an apartment now. Below was day 1.

Before

After 

       

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Angie is sharing another of my pieces over at still life 365. I continue to be encouraged by everyone who submits - be sure to look at the previous days. Thank you Angie!