Today was filled with much activity. Simon is always active, moving and bouncing and running and laughing or squealing. He has more teeth coming in finally...though it means he's uncomfortable and sometimes has unpleasant moments.
Our local fitness center had their grand opening, and we went in support. It's been open since the first of February, and I've been a consistent member...attending classes and using the equipment. I helped demonstrate (with others) some elements of the kickboxing class to those who were interested or didn't know what it was like. Physical fitness has become a huge element of health and sanity for me lately. One person joked, "You are skinny and you chase after him (Simon) all day, you don't need to be working out here!" I inwardly cringed, because I don't believe it's about size, but about my ability to climb the stairs or chase after my son or push the mower without feeling like I'm about to pass out. That gives me more self confidence than a particular size that we are supposed to try for. Plus, there's enough against our human bodies in this world - if this is one area that I can try and prolong and elevate my quality of life to see my son grow up and to grow old with L, then I'm going to do it.
We got rain the last few days. And sun and warmth yesterday and today. Which makes the grass grow tall. So I mowed today while Simon napped. L dug up some stuff and took care of a few things on his to-do list. And we took a long walk around town later, to get Simon out in the fresh air. It's amazing how much good it does him to get outside each day.
It was a good, full day. What activity did you see or participate in this weekend?
Showing posts with label rambling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rambling. Show all posts
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Random: Surprise Tree
L and I had decided that we weren't going to really decorate for Christmas this year. We put up 4 items, and called it good.
Today however, L called and told me to come join him for a late lunch break. When I showed up to his work, he whisked me away to a local tree farm to pick out a tree for our apartment. He knows how much I love surprises :)
So here is our fabulous tree! Dinah is fairly well mannered with our tree and ornaments, from what I remember of last year. It smells so good and definitely brightens the apartment. I love it...and I love the man below, holding the snoopy ornament :)
Today however, L called and told me to come join him for a late lunch break. When I showed up to his work, he whisked me away to a local tree farm to pick out a tree for our apartment. He knows how much I love surprises :)
So here is our fabulous tree! Dinah is fairly well mannered with our tree and ornaments, from what I remember of last year. It smells so good and definitely brightens the apartment. I love it...and I love the man below, holding the snoopy ornament :)
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
12.1.10
A small section of the giant painting. I'm feeling really good about it. I have quite a few bumps and wrinkles from the collage part of it, but I'm not fretting about it. It's a learning process :)
---
Bullet point listing time:
- I got my hair trimmed today. Always feels good to just let someone else take care of something like your hair. My stylist is super easy to talk to and it's always a good experience.
- My Dr's appointment for this week went well. Newest info is that I'm not supposed to be doing much of anything...pretty much just resting at all times. He never mentioned the actual terminology "bedrest", but he mostly wants me sitting or lying down. I think since we don't know what caused the abruption before, he wants to eliminate as many scenarios as possible that could bring another about. If I'm just a lump on a log, then we have less to worry about. I'm going to request a butler monkey, as Angie has done.
- We got a few Christmas decorations up. Our apartment is so tiny, there's no room for a tree, but it feels subtly festive...which fits our mood just right.
- This made me laugh, and is somewhat true of our apartment building.
- Today has been ok. That's a good start for such a difficult month :)
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Random: Thanksgiving
Hands were held around the table as the blessing was said. The smell of delicious food wafted up and the nieces and nephews squirmed and smiled as they waited for the words of thanksgiving to be completed. Some of the adults breathed a sigh of relief as they were hungry and ready to eat, while others took a sigh of relief as they finally got to sit down for a moment and take a break. Food was distributed and mouths were full.
There was a brief moment of contentment, which is really all you can hope for when you have 17 people gathered, six of whom are under the age of 10. That moment is documented with a mental picture and later dwelled upon late after the kids are all in bed, or after everyone has dispersed back to their hometowns. Sometimes it's discussed out loud, and other times it tumbles around quietly in the shadows of our brains, reminding us later on what we are grateful for and why we still continue to gather together.
I was not expecting to recognize that moment this year. I missed Lyra every second of this holiday and I was painfully aware that there was a grandchild who wasn't able to add to the laughter and chaos. But I'm glad I did see the glimmer of that moment around the table, and am thankful for all that it represents.
There was a brief moment of contentment, which is really all you can hope for when you have 17 people gathered, six of whom are under the age of 10. That moment is documented with a mental picture and later dwelled upon late after the kids are all in bed, or after everyone has dispersed back to their hometowns. Sometimes it's discussed out loud, and other times it tumbles around quietly in the shadows of our brains, reminding us later on what we are grateful for and why we still continue to gather together.
I was not expecting to recognize that moment this year. I missed Lyra every second of this holiday and I was painfully aware that there was a grandchild who wasn't able to add to the laughter and chaos. But I'm glad I did see the glimmer of that moment around the table, and am thankful for all that it represents.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
October: Day 20
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss
I would have to say that I haven't given as much time to my hobbies since Lyra died. I used to read a lot more, and crochet more. Now I do more art and spend more time on blogs. I have vamped up my usage of postage stamps though...I've sent more mail since Lyra died than in my whole life probably (though I'm miserable at mailing things to family).
As a bunny trail, I'm old-fashioned when it comes to mail and books. I like opening the mailbox and then opening and holding that letter or ATC or whatever was sent in my hands. It has texture, and smell. Someone took time to write it, just for me.
And books...they have a texture and smell. I'm not a fan of electronic methods of reading...I like holding a book, feeling the weight of it, and flipping the pages. Our goal is to have a library room someday.
I would have to say that I haven't given as much time to my hobbies since Lyra died. I used to read a lot more, and crochet more. Now I do more art and spend more time on blogs. I have vamped up my usage of postage stamps though...I've sent more mail since Lyra died than in my whole life probably (though I'm miserable at mailing things to family).
As a bunny trail, I'm old-fashioned when it comes to mail and books. I like opening the mailbox and then opening and holding that letter or ATC or whatever was sent in my hands. It has texture, and smell. Someone took time to write it, just for me.
And books...they have a texture and smell. I'm not a fan of electronic methods of reading...I like holding a book, feeling the weight of it, and flipping the pages. Our goal is to have a library room someday.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
10.12.10
Sketchbook pages 15 & 16
Pen/Watercolor & Pen/Ink
----
Good things from this weekend:
- My first ever marathon...I was part of a cheering crew for a friend. I made this sign for it!
- Yummy food and fun with my family back home.
- Two grocery bags of little boy clothes.
- Rain.
Hard things from this weekend:
- Picking up the stuff we stored after Lyra died.
- Sorting through her clothes to find the gender neutral ones.
- *sob*
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Random
Last Friday just kicked me in the teeth. From emotional low (normal dead baby bad day), to emotional low (failed social interaction), to a further emotional low (ambiguously worrisome current baby news).
I'd like to say thank you to everyone who emailed or left words of love and support. We still feel a bit low here, but it was a big encouragement to read your comments. In fact I keep rereading them to keep the bad vibes at bay.
Tomorrow I hope to call the doctor's office and get some questions answered. I just scribbled down what the doctor said when he called, and didn't have any questions formulated by the time he was done explaining. Along similar not-so-quick-thinking lines, I'm one of those people who, when insulted, will come up with the perfect comeback 3 hours later. It's a real helpful trait.
I have confidence the cysts will go away - my concern is not with them. They in themselves are not harmful. I know we are probably overreacting in feeling so concerned about this eensy chance in their association with d.s. We just feel burned by the percentages in having an unknown complete placental abruption and our daughter being stillborn. Although we have a 99% chance that these cysts indicate nothing in regards to our baby's chromosomal development, we know all too well that being good, or having the right faith, or having positive thoughts doesn't give us immunity. I'd have liked to think that I could play my dead baby card and get a free pass, but I guess that's not how this game is played.
Your thoughts, prayers, vibes, etc. are greatly appreciated. And I do promise some art this week...enough of these rambling words :)
I'd like to say thank you to everyone who emailed or left words of love and support. We still feel a bit low here, but it was a big encouragement to read your comments. In fact I keep rereading them to keep the bad vibes at bay.
Tomorrow I hope to call the doctor's office and get some questions answered. I just scribbled down what the doctor said when he called, and didn't have any questions formulated by the time he was done explaining. Along similar not-so-quick-thinking lines, I'm one of those people who, when insulted, will come up with the perfect comeback 3 hours later. It's a real helpful trait.
I have confidence the cysts will go away - my concern is not with them. They in themselves are not harmful. I know we are probably overreacting in feeling so concerned about this eensy chance in their association with d.s. We just feel burned by the percentages in having an unknown complete placental abruption and our daughter being stillborn. Although we have a 99% chance that these cysts indicate nothing in regards to our baby's chromosomal development, we know all too well that being good, or having the right faith, or having positive thoughts doesn't give us immunity. I'd have liked to think that I could play my dead baby card and get a free pass, but I guess that's not how this game is played.
Your thoughts, prayers, vibes, etc. are greatly appreciated. And I do promise some art this week...enough of these rambling words :)
Monday, September 27, 2010
9.27.10
I got together again with the BLM who visited Lyra's grave with me (let's call her 'R'). As I sat with R, learning to knit and to teach how to crochet, we talked about the happenings of the last week of our lives; the land mines of social situations, the happiness in good news, and the hope of what our futures may hold. I got to see her daughter's memorial in their house, and their sweet nursery too. It felt good to see how another family remembers their child...how our functional everyday shows the love for that child. She let me cry about how confused I was feeling, and listened with patience as I rambled trying to piece together all my thoughts. I felt embraced...despite all my crazy. It was a good day.
----
I can't say I've bounced back from what I was feeling in my previous post. After announcing about Simon, I got an email that said (paraphrasing here) that this is a transition on top of a transition. L said that we had a vision of what our family looked like when we were pregnant with Lyra...him and I and a little girl. We are transitioning away from that vision...letting it go and embracing this new image of what our family might be. I think it has hit me so hard because I haven't let go of that original vision yet...that image that we had prepared for and looked forward to.
I hope it didn't come across that I was disappointed to have this baby boy. Quite the opposite. I know how lucky I am with this second chance at making our family. I just haven't let go of Lyra yet. Not that I ever will, but I hadn't considered how final this new baby would make her death. We are moving on with life, and it's harder than I thought.
So in the midst of all these crazy feelings, I felt it was vitally important for Lyra and Simon to come together in an image. To show this transition in our lives, and embrace our two children. Of course the stars mean so much to me, so they are an obvious component in indicating Lyra. Simon is in my belly, but with his own unique pattern and personality. Our path is unknown, as you can only take a day at a time...but it will be with both of them in our lives.
My children
11x14
Acrylics
Friday, September 24, 2010
Random
I didn't think I'd be so sad. Everything feels really raw again, like right after we lost her. Because we're having a boy. Because this pregnancy is a new cycle of life, and it's not with Lyra.
It's with Simon. Our son.
He's weighing in at 13oz and a nice good heartbeat at 154bpm. He was in high action, and switched sides several times during the sono, making the tech really work at getting the measurements. He made it obvious for us that he was a boy, which was appreciated, as I didn't want to have to wait. We'll get the high risk specialist's analysis, as well as my normal doctor's analysis of the pics and measurements sometime next week...or rather we'll hope for no phone call as they'll only call if it looks as if there is something to be concerned about.
After my sono at the high risk specialist, I had an appointment with my normal doctor (so I spent like 4 hours in a waiting room yesterday). He was out on delivery, and since it was a basic check up and I wasn't freaking out, I saw a nurse practitioner I've never seen before. She was friendly and nice, and made the mistake of asking about my child at home. Because of course my charts show I've delivered a baby. I told her about the stillbirth, and she covered everything nicely and I didn't hate her. Just wish the damn charts would highlight the fact I lost my first child so I wouldn't have to keep explaining it to new medical people.
Despite feeling sad, I am glad for this new cycle of life...for our boy. I look forward to the possibility of finger painting, and toy cars, and catching turtles and frogs with him. I just wish his big sister were to be around for her share of this life too. I don't want her to be forgotten now.
It's with Simon. Our son.
He's weighing in at 13oz and a nice good heartbeat at 154bpm. He was in high action, and switched sides several times during the sono, making the tech really work at getting the measurements. He made it obvious for us that he was a boy, which was appreciated, as I didn't want to have to wait. We'll get the high risk specialist's analysis, as well as my normal doctor's analysis of the pics and measurements sometime next week...or rather we'll hope for no phone call as they'll only call if it looks as if there is something to be concerned about.
After my sono at the high risk specialist, I had an appointment with my normal doctor (so I spent like 4 hours in a waiting room yesterday). He was out on delivery, and since it was a basic check up and I wasn't freaking out, I saw a nurse practitioner I've never seen before. She was friendly and nice, and made the mistake of asking about my child at home. Because of course my charts show I've delivered a baby. I told her about the stillbirth, and she covered everything nicely and I didn't hate her. Just wish the damn charts would highlight the fact I lost my first child so I wouldn't have to keep explaining it to new medical people.
Despite feeling sad, I am glad for this new cycle of life...for our boy. I look forward to the possibility of finger painting, and toy cars, and catching turtles and frogs with him. I just wish his big sister were to be around for her share of this life too. I don't want her to be forgotten now.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Random
I have labels for my post. But apparently not enough. I couldn't find one particular post I'd written, and consequently went month by month searching for it. Then followed my creating many more labels to make finding things easier in the future.
One of the drafts I had sitting around, I accidentally posted last night. I didn't realize it til after I'd relabeled everything and looked at my front page. By that time, I had several comments already, so I left it. Thank you for those comments - looking back I don't remember the specific reason for not having posted it originally. Maybe it was more complaining? I don't recall. But thank you for reading it, and responding anyway :)
----
I've been crocheting again. Testing out a pattern to try this weekend when I get together with a friend. She might try to teach me knitting, and I will try to teach her crocheting. Another fun thing to look forward to :)
----
Baby S.uh and I have hit the halfway point. I feel kicks more consistently now, and that relieves a lot of worry. Two days til we hope to find out if it's a boy or girl. Can you tell I'm bad at waiting?
----
I've been figuring the layout for my sketchbook project. Something I probably should have done at the very beginning, but it's working out fine at the moment. Should have some scans to show soon.
One of the drafts I had sitting around, I accidentally posted last night. I didn't realize it til after I'd relabeled everything and looked at my front page. By that time, I had several comments already, so I left it. Thank you for those comments - looking back I don't remember the specific reason for not having posted it originally. Maybe it was more complaining? I don't recall. But thank you for reading it, and responding anyway :)
----
I've been crocheting again. Testing out a pattern to try this weekend when I get together with a friend. She might try to teach me knitting, and I will try to teach her crocheting. Another fun thing to look forward to :)
----
Baby S.uh and I have hit the halfway point. I feel kicks more consistently now, and that relieves a lot of worry. Two days til we hope to find out if it's a boy or girl. Can you tell I'm bad at waiting?
----
I've been figuring the layout for my sketchbook project. Something I probably should have done at the very beginning, but it's working out fine at the moment. Should have some scans to show soon.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Random
I don't know how to pretend it didn't happen. If a complete stranger asks if I've been sick with this pregnancy, I don't know how to just say "Yes.". I say, "I was pretty sick with my first, and this time around has been worse."
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Random
The good and bad for the day trip on Saturday:
Bad:
- A rather warm day
- I don't do well in social situations anymore. Before Lyra died, I was just normally awkward. Now I'm just terribly skittish, weird, and don't know how to answer simple small-talky kind of questions. I already knew this, but thought this time might be different for the arts and crafts fair? Nope.
- A/C in vehicle threatened to go out on us
- 9 months without my daughter
Good:
- My spirits were lifted immensely by the friend I got to spend the day with.
- Lyra's tiger was still there and her flowers hadn't faded!
- Future scheming for getting together
- Free lemonade iced tea at coffee shop
- Did I mention I had good company?!?
Friday, September 17, 2010
Random
Working on my sketchbook project. Not ready to show any new pages quite yet.
-----
So excited for it to be Friday. It's one day closer to our sonogram next week. It's one day closer to my husband's weekend. And it's one day closer to tomorrow!
Tomorrow, a fellow BLM/blogger/friend, is going with me to the town Lyra is buried. I usually end up going by myself, on some random day, just because I have to see it. To make sure the tiger is still there. There's something really important to me about her being visited. To show she's cared for - that she's not abandoned. I'm glad for this friend's willingness to go and be a part of that with me. I'd love to know that other people are visiting her too.
There's also an arts/crafts fair that will be going on in the town, so we'll go and peruse and probably run into old college friends. Maybe get some Christmas shopping done...
I think it will be a day of remembering, laughing, mourning, sharing, shopping, and eating. And I'm looking forward to it :)
-----
So excited for it to be Friday. It's one day closer to our sonogram next week. It's one day closer to my husband's weekend. And it's one day closer to tomorrow!
Tomorrow, a fellow BLM/blogger/friend, is going with me to the town Lyra is buried. I usually end up going by myself, on some random day, just because I have to see it. To make sure the tiger is still there. There's something really important to me about her being visited. To show she's cared for - that she's not abandoned. I'm glad for this friend's willingness to go and be a part of that with me. I'd love to know that other people are visiting her too.
There's also an arts/crafts fair that will be going on in the town, so we'll go and peruse and probably run into old college friends. Maybe get some Christmas shopping done...
I think it will be a day of remembering, laughing, mourning, sharing, shopping, and eating. And I'm looking forward to it :)
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Random
I just spent half an hour scouring blogs to try and find a post I thought I remembered so I could link it here my own post. My brain either never filed the blogger/post information , or it's just severely lost somewhere in there (so sorry to the original blogger). But ever since reading aforementioned ghost post, and hearing another friend mention a safety deposit box, the thought had been niggling my brain that we should have one as well. Of course for our important documents, but also for things of Lyra's.
I opened one two weeks ago. It took me til today to finally sit down and print out pictures, her story and decide what would leave her little hospital memory box so it could be safe in case something happened to our apartment. Ugh. I feel so strongly about making her stuff safe because it's all we have of her...the pictures and blanket and outfit she wore. We don't have her here to bounce around and create new memories and pictures.
Jill! Thank you! It was still bothering me that I couldn't put my finger on where I had read it. Yes - you got me started thinking about the safety deposit box. I now have your post linked above.
---
Baby S.uh is at 19 weeks already. I've been feeling kicks every now and again...not aggressively enough to spell out a normal routine though. A week from tomorrow we'll have the sono to find out the sex. So excited. Please pray/send vibes that S.uh shows his/her goods so I don't have to wait any longer. I'm terrible at being patient.
---
On a creative note, or maybe an organizational note, I'm going to try and organize my recipes. *Cue foreboding music* This is a daunting task for me. There are 973 different ways to do it: on the computer, hand written, a combo of both, software, note cards, full sheets, recipe box, binder and of course how to separate all the recipes. I want to do what works for me. But I don't know what works!! Right now I have a mish mash of recipes stuffed in a folder. WHEN I actually get around to cooking or baking something, I shuffle through everything 11 times to find the recipe, or I just end up giving up and going to allrecipes.com and hoping to find something identical. I *think* what I want to do is a binder system, with the recipe sheets from magazines, or hand written, or typed up in their protective sheets, and I can just pull them out of the binder, and then pop them back in??
Tell me how you keep your recipes and what works for you?
I opened one two weeks ago. It took me til today to finally sit down and print out pictures, her story and decide what would leave her little hospital memory box so it could be safe in case something happened to our apartment. Ugh. I feel so strongly about making her stuff safe because it's all we have of her...the pictures and blanket and outfit she wore. We don't have her here to bounce around and create new memories and pictures.
Jill! Thank you! It was still bothering me that I couldn't put my finger on where I had read it. Yes - you got me started thinking about the safety deposit box. I now have your post linked above.
Baby S.uh is at 19 weeks already. I've been feeling kicks every now and again...not aggressively enough to spell out a normal routine though. A week from tomorrow we'll have the sono to find out the sex. So excited. Please pray/send vibes that S.uh shows his/her goods so I don't have to wait any longer. I'm terrible at being patient.
---
On a creative note, or maybe an organizational note, I'm going to try and organize my recipes. *Cue foreboding music* This is a daunting task for me. There are 973 different ways to do it: on the computer, hand written, a combo of both, software, note cards, full sheets, recipe box, binder and of course how to separate all the recipes. I want to do what works for me. But I don't know what works!! Right now I have a mish mash of recipes stuffed in a folder. WHEN I actually get around to cooking or baking something, I shuffle through everything 11 times to find the recipe, or I just end up giving up and going to allrecipes.com and hoping to find something identical. I *think* what I want to do is a binder system, with the recipe sheets from magazines, or hand written, or typed up in their protective sheets, and I can just pull them out of the binder, and then pop them back in??
Tell me how you keep your recipes and what works for you?
Friday, September 10, 2010
Random
Home again. And thankful for our little humble abode. We so enjoyed our time with both sides of our families in the mountains and out on the plains. Getting a way for a time always brings a little perspective, even if it's just, "We needed this."
I'm slowly catching up on comments and posts. I have a few pictures from our trip, but am still feeling rather out of it upon returning home, so will get those another up another time. The following are a few "highlights" of events or thoughts for our holiday.
- I felt exceedingly fragile not being able to climb and hike like I normally would have. I was a slow little turtle, and worried about falling the whole time. L told me that I was being responsible and looking out for little S.uh. That made me seem less dorky.
- I loved the cooler temps. 100+ (F) temps make life seem like it's ending. Temps under 90 make life seem manageable and even slightly enjoyable :)
- Laying on the floor at L's parents house, watching nieces running around, I saw a handful of jewelry beads laying on the floor that had remained untouched and unnoticed for several hours. I said outloud that this was the first time since I've been a part of the family (5 years) that we haven't had to be uber vigilant about picking stuff up off the floor, out of the reach of babies rolling or crawling around. Of course, after saying that, I got kicked in the head with the reality that I should have a 7 month grabbing at things. This is the first time we don't have a baby in the family, and it's because Lyra died. She's dead.
- We did have a good time. We enjoyed ourselves. I enjoyed myself.
-----
In two weeks we hope to be able to tell the sex of little S.uh. I'm hoping for a girl. Not to replace Lyra, but because that's what we prepared for. I know how to take care of little girls.
L wants a boy. He wants to protect Lyra. He doesn't want us to have a new little girl, and wonder her whole life if that's what Lyra would have done too. If Lyra would have looked like that. If she would have acted like that. To give a bit of separation for identity and allow Lyra and another daughter her own space. That made me perfectly content if we end up having a boy. L has some pretty grounded ways of looking at things, while allowing me my whimsical thinking still. I appreciate his viewpoints, and love how considerate he is of our family.
I think if we do have a girl, we'll be sure and be careful not see her as a duplicate, or a do-over. If Lyra had lived, and we had another girl, they'd have their separate personalities, and ideas and notions. It's hard because Lyra was our firstborn, so we don't have any experience with other children.
I know we'll be excited either way. I just want to know NOW though :)
I'm slowly catching up on comments and posts. I have a few pictures from our trip, but am still feeling rather out of it upon returning home, so will get those another up another time. The following are a few "highlights" of events or thoughts for our holiday.
- I felt exceedingly fragile not being able to climb and hike like I normally would have. I was a slow little turtle, and worried about falling the whole time. L told me that I was being responsible and looking out for little S.uh. That made me seem less dorky.
- I loved the cooler temps. 100+ (F) temps make life seem like it's ending. Temps under 90 make life seem manageable and even slightly enjoyable :)
- Laying on the floor at L's parents house, watching nieces running around, I saw a handful of jewelry beads laying on the floor that had remained untouched and unnoticed for several hours. I said outloud that this was the first time since I've been a part of the family (5 years) that we haven't had to be uber vigilant about picking stuff up off the floor, out of the reach of babies rolling or crawling around. Of course, after saying that, I got kicked in the head with the reality that I should have a 7 month grabbing at things. This is the first time we don't have a baby in the family, and it's because Lyra died. She's dead.
- We did have a good time. We enjoyed ourselves. I enjoyed myself.
-----
In two weeks we hope to be able to tell the sex of little S.uh. I'm hoping for a girl. Not to replace Lyra, but because that's what we prepared for. I know how to take care of little girls.
L wants a boy. He wants to protect Lyra. He doesn't want us to have a new little girl, and wonder her whole life if that's what Lyra would have done too. If Lyra would have looked like that. If she would have acted like that. To give a bit of separation for identity and allow Lyra and another daughter her own space. That made me perfectly content if we end up having a boy. L has some pretty grounded ways of looking at things, while allowing me my whimsical thinking still. I appreciate his viewpoints, and love how considerate he is of our family.
I think if we do have a girl, we'll be sure and be careful not see her as a duplicate, or a do-over. If Lyra had lived, and we had another girl, they'd have their separate personalities, and ideas and notions. It's hard because Lyra was our firstborn, so we don't have any experience with other children.
I know we'll be excited either way. I just want to know NOW though :)
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Random
Warning: Cynical, pessimistic, crazy post coming up.
My 16 week appointment was this afternoon.
For whatever reason, I was absolutely sure they weren't going to be able to find a heartbeat. I feel gun shy about my instincts. I had no clue something was wrong with Lyra. Why do I suddenly think I'll know now, just because it's a different baby? Every ache and pain I wonder if I'm ignoring something huge and S.uh is already dead. Or I could freak out and call the on-call number and find out everything is ok, until the next hour when I freak out again. I know the 'rather be safe than sorry' routine, but we did that with Lyra, and then she still died. I've actually been remarkably calm, outwardly. I just have crazy thoughts about being resigned to the fact that this baby is probably going to die too. That way, if S.uh comes to us alive and kicking, I'll be happy and surprised, instead of depressed and sad like last time. (As if this is like a term paper that I expected a C on and got an A+ instead. They are sooooo comparable...)
Granted, the above paragraph is just a portion of what battles in my brain. It's always there, but not always as overwhelmingly flagrant as it is right now...or at other times. L and I still talk about what crib will fit in our bitty apartment, and try to give this baby as much of what it deserves in our awaiting his/her arrival as in a 'normal' pregnancy. We have names ready, and try to envision carrying this wee one in a carrier as we go about life. So there's a bit of normal mixed in there sometimes.
So, back to the appointment - it showed everything to be fine. Another fine display of a good, strong heartbeat. No concerns. My 20 week sonogram will be with the same high risk doctor we met with before we were pregnant. We'll hopefully find out the sex of the baby, and see that everything is growing and developing as it should.
We just have to make it those 4 weeks to that appointment :)
I've included a 16 week picture...just because it's one of the things I try to do to be normal and celebrate S.uh.
My 16 week appointment was this afternoon.
For whatever reason, I was absolutely sure they weren't going to be able to find a heartbeat. I feel gun shy about my instincts. I had no clue something was wrong with Lyra. Why do I suddenly think I'll know now, just because it's a different baby? Every ache and pain I wonder if I'm ignoring something huge and S.uh is already dead. Or I could freak out and call the on-call number and find out everything is ok, until the next hour when I freak out again. I know the 'rather be safe than sorry' routine, but we did that with Lyra, and then she still died. I've actually been remarkably calm, outwardly. I just have crazy thoughts about being resigned to the fact that this baby is probably going to die too. That way, if S.uh comes to us alive and kicking, I'll be happy and surprised, instead of depressed and sad like last time. (As if this is like a term paper that I expected a C on and got an A+ instead. They are sooooo comparable...)
Granted, the above paragraph is just a portion of what battles in my brain. It's always there, but not always as overwhelmingly flagrant as it is right now...or at other times. L and I still talk about what crib will fit in our bitty apartment, and try to give this baby as much of what it deserves in our awaiting his/her arrival as in a 'normal' pregnancy. We have names ready, and try to envision carrying this wee one in a carrier as we go about life. So there's a bit of normal mixed in there sometimes.
So, back to the appointment - it showed everything to be fine. Another fine display of a good, strong heartbeat. No concerns. My 20 week sonogram will be with the same high risk doctor we met with before we were pregnant. We'll hopefully find out the sex of the baby, and see that everything is growing and developing as it should.
We just have to make it those 4 weeks to that appointment :)
I've included a 16 week picture...just because it's one of the things I try to do to be normal and celebrate S.uh.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Random
Another second,
Another minute,
Another hour,
Another day,
Another month...
...All without you, Lyra.
I subconsciously know when the 18th rolls around each month. The actual day usually surprises me though. Maybe now for the fact that I've survived the raw, depths-of-despair pain that blanketed me those many months. The fog comes and goes unpredictably still, but there is a bit of a breeze slowly making its way back into my life...bringing glimpses of color with it occasionally. I'm learning to not feel guilty about that...to embrace that color when it shows.
To some it looks like I'm "better". I'm able to push off the fog and hold myself in a social moment when I need to now. I can do it a few hours, and then the fog usually slides back over me again. You're never far from my mind no matter what I'm doing though. I'll never be "ok" living this life without you.
As always, I love you and miss you dearly.
Mom.
Another minute,
Another hour,
Another day,
Another month...
...All without you, Lyra.
I subconsciously know when the 18th rolls around each month. The actual day usually surprises me though. Maybe now for the fact that I've survived the raw, depths-of-despair pain that blanketed me those many months. The fog comes and goes unpredictably still, but there is a bit of a breeze slowly making its way back into my life...bringing glimpses of color with it occasionally. I'm learning to not feel guilty about that...to embrace that color when it shows.
To some it looks like I'm "better". I'm able to push off the fog and hold myself in a social moment when I need to now. I can do it a few hours, and then the fog usually slides back over me again. You're never far from my mind no matter what I'm doing though. I'll never be "ok" living this life without you.
As always, I love you and miss you dearly.
Mom.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Random
Got together with another BLM this morning. We've met up before, so we just fell into our thoughts and feelings together...sometimes teary, sometimes laughing at our jaded-ness. Though our experiences differ, and our paths aren't the same, there's still a connectedness which I am so thankful for; a camaraderie in this crazy, abnormal life we now lead.
And today is 14 weeks. I think little S.uh is growing. I have a bit of a bump now. I took a picture. And then looked back at my 14 week picture with Lyra. And just cried. Sometimes I just want her. And I'm not supposed to be here with this one. Lyra is supposed to be here. But it's just not how it is. I have this little one growing. And I'm happy. And still sad. Confusing, eh? (and fearful that voicing all that somehow jinxes everything)
One paragraph is happy. The other dreary and sad. Such are my emotions nowadays. I blame hormones. And having a dead baby.
And today is 14 weeks. I think little S.uh is growing. I have a bit of a bump now. I took a picture. And then looked back at my 14 week picture with Lyra. And just cried. Sometimes I just want her. And I'm not supposed to be here with this one. Lyra is supposed to be here. But it's just not how it is. I have this little one growing. And I'm happy. And still sad. Confusing, eh? (and fearful that voicing all that somehow jinxes everything)
One paragraph is happy. The other dreary and sad. Such are my emotions nowadays. I blame hormones. And having a dead baby.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
8.7.10
My Critic has made a reappearance.
This sketchbook project has brought him back with insults and doubts blazing. After rebinding my sketchbook with watercolor paper, I promptly left it alone. I made the excuse that I needed to do some practice sketching first. In my head I followed that statement up with, "so I can be sure and appear professional and good and not mess up the sketchbook. I may not have gone to a fine arts school, but that doesn't mean I'm not actually good." Some version of that kept cycling through my brain. After finally voicing it out loud to L one night, he said something along the effects of, "Just dive in. This isn't a competition. Even if it were, just be you." He's been giving me that advice a lot lately...the 'just be you' part. I do love that man for many reasons...that being one of them. So, I had a hand in this first round of battles with the Critic. Hopefully I can handle the bastard on my own from now on. But it's nice knowing I have backup if I need it.
The following is the first pages of my sketchbook project. The binding is slightly atrocious, so please overlook that :) I am quite delighted with it thus far though, and look forward to filling the rest of it up!
This sketchbook project has brought him back with insults and doubts blazing. After rebinding my sketchbook with watercolor paper, I promptly left it alone. I made the excuse that I needed to do some practice sketching first. In my head I followed that statement up with, "so I can be sure and appear professional and good and not mess up the sketchbook. I may not have gone to a fine arts school, but that doesn't mean I'm not actually good." Some version of that kept cycling through my brain. After finally voicing it out loud to L one night, he said something along the effects of, "Just dive in. This isn't a competition. Even if it were, just be you." He's been giving me that advice a lot lately...the 'just be you' part. I do love that man for many reasons...that being one of them. So, I had a hand in this first round of battles with the Critic. Hopefully I can handle the bastard on my own from now on. But it's nice knowing I have backup if I need it.
The following is the first pages of my sketchbook project. The binding is slightly atrocious, so please overlook that :) I am quite delighted with it thus far though, and look forward to filling the rest of it up!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Random
Why is it that some things don't phase me as much: Such as the sears baby portrait junk ad I got in the mail today.
And some things just knock me down: Another milestone that we're missing out on in regards to babies around Lyra's 'supposed to be' age. I suppose that will always be something I notice. I wish I could just shake it all off and be normal and fine.
I have a cherry pie in the oven...intended to be a surprise for L. It will still serve that purpose, but will also be some comfort food for me now.
And some things just knock me down: Another milestone that we're missing out on in regards to babies around Lyra's 'supposed to be' age. I suppose that will always be something I notice. I wish I could just shake it all off and be normal and fine.
I have a cherry pie in the oven...intended to be a surprise for L. It will still serve that purpose, but will also be some comfort food for me now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)