I didn't think I'd be so sad. Everything feels really raw again, like right after we lost her. Because we're having a boy. Because this pregnancy is a new cycle of life, and it's not with Lyra.
It's with Simon. Our son.
He's weighing in at 13oz and a nice good heartbeat at 154bpm. He was in high action, and switched sides several times during the sono, making the tech really work at getting the measurements. He made it obvious for us that he was a boy, which was appreciated, as I didn't want to have to wait. We'll get the high risk specialist's analysis, as well as my normal doctor's analysis of the pics and measurements sometime next week...or rather we'll hope for no phone call as they'll only call if it looks as if there is something to be concerned about.
After my sono at the high risk specialist, I had an appointment with my normal doctor (so I spent like 4 hours in a waiting room yesterday). He was out on delivery, and since it was a basic check up and I wasn't freaking out, I saw a nurse practitioner I've never seen before. She was friendly and nice, and made the mistake of asking about my child at home. Because of course my charts show I've delivered a baby. I told her about the stillbirth, and she covered everything nicely and I didn't hate her. Just wish the damn charts would highlight the fact I lost my first child so I wouldn't have to keep explaining it to new medical people.
Despite feeling sad, I am glad for this new cycle of life...for our boy. I look forward to the possibility of finger painting, and toy cars, and catching turtles and frogs with him. I just wish his big sister were to be around for her share of this life too. I don't want her to be forgotten now.
thinking of you - I can see how this could bring grief up more.
ReplyDeleteit seems like they could change the charts... it would be so traumatic to have to explain over and over!
So happy and so sad. Did I mention I love his name?
ReplyDeleteI'm finding it difficult to be truly, wholly happy because there still is so much sadness. But I'm wishing you many moments of happiness with this new little dude, during your pregnancy and beyond.
Yes to updating the chart--wha?! Either that, or Yes to having them read more carefully.
And I know what you mean about not forgetting, not letting the big sister be forgotten. Damn, this is all so hard, and foreign, and surreal.
It is so complicated the sad/happy thing. Even when I am truly contented and happy, it is also with the keen knowledge that there is true sorrow that I am currently not feeling, but will. Maybe that makes the contentedness more contented, somehow, I dunno. All I know is that this place you are at--pregnancy after your child's death is really really hard. Sadness, fear, anxiety is all part of it. Feeling bits of tempered joy is awesome. We all already love Simon and are here for you.
ReplyDeleteYes, I have thought of that, too, how learning more about your new baby could be bitter-sweet. I don't think I will have another opportunity to be pregnant, but I worry that if I did "Magical Thinking" would interfere and imagine the baby could be Nara returning...and that if the baby were a 3rd boy that it would take some adjusting...or a 2nd girl would mean I would put too many expectations on her. Such a complicated world we've been launched into. We are loving you while we wait for Simon.
ReplyDeleteSimon is a lovely name. I don't know how to balance those feelings of joy and sadness, do any of us?
ReplyDeleteA boy! Oh yeah! I am happy that you were able to see Simon and that he coorporated.
ReplyDeleteBut I am double sorry that you are feeling this. I understand it though, as I am feeling a lot of the same.
So glad to see Simon, and learn more about him!
ReplyDeleteI think you wrote about this earlier on your blog (hope my memory is correct here) - the dilemna about our next child's gender, after experiencing a loss. Do we want it to be the same, or different? Does it matter? I think in the long run all of us agree a healthy, living baby is all that really matters. But still, we do have our preferences, and attachments, and I think it's healthy to acknowledge those and sit with whatever joy and/or sadness we may feel in finding out our next child's gender.
I'll be perfectly honest and say I'm hoping for a girl. I wanted a daughter with Acacia, and she was with me too briefly. I don't want to replace her, but I still want a daughter. If we have a boy, I will love him just as much, and I will sit with whatever disappointment I feel, and get over it too.
There is joy and excitement about new life, and grief and sadness over life lost.
Thinking of you.
I've been really feeling the grief lately too. I'm not sure what it is. At my sonogram, the tech saw my c-section scar and asked what I had at home. I had to ask her to repeat herself again because it completely threw me off! I finally told her we had a stillborn girl. Ugh, I wish we had bright red charts that said "previous stillbirth"! Anyway, I'm so glad about your baby boy! I know it's bittersweet, but glad to hear things are well. XO
ReplyDeleteJoy with Sorrow. It's such a strange & difficult combo. Thinking of you a lot. Praying for continued healing for your heart.
ReplyDeleteAnd...I'm still just SO in love with his name!! :)
Give me a call sometime if you feel like it. Or let's get coffee again soon.
Congrats with Simon! I love the gender announcement card as well. I can't imagine the feelings you must be having now as you anticipate his arrival and you mourn Lyra. She'll never be forgotten. Simon will always have a big sister, always.
ReplyDeleteThose conflicting feelings are understandable, remembering where you were with Lyra has got to bring emotions to the surface. Thinking of you & hoping things continue smoothly with this pregnancy!
ReplyDeletewhen people ask if we want a boy or girl when we adopt, I say either and I don't want to choose. Such a weighted decision. Reasons for both. I'm thankful not to be able to choose, just like in pregnancy. I know there will be mixed emotions either way...
ReplyDeleteIt is understandable that you are feeling mixed emotions - happy/sad and all that. i'm glad the scans and tests look good.
Nice name too!
Just a few months after Gracie died we were in to see the pediatrician for my son. She couldn't remember who Gracie was, her name was written on his chart. It just made me feel like life was going on for everyone else and nobody was going to remember her or the horrible trajedy we'd been through but me. It's not true but that's how I felt. I'm sorry the grief has been so raw lately for you but these situations seem to do that. Hugs
ReplyDeleteI gave you an award - check out my blog <3
ReplyDelete