I got together again with the BLM who visited Lyra's grave with me (let's call her 'R'). As I sat with R, learning to knit and to teach how to crochet, we talked about the happenings of the last week of our lives; the land mines of social situations, the happiness in good news, and the hope of what our futures may hold. I got to see her daughter's memorial in their house, and their sweet nursery too. It felt good to see how another family remembers their child...how our functional everyday shows the love for that child. She let me cry about how confused I was feeling, and listened with patience as I rambled trying to piece together all my thoughts. I felt embraced...despite all my crazy. It was a good day.
I can't say I've bounced back from what I was feeling in my previous post. After announcing about Simon, I got an email that said (paraphrasing here) that this is a transition on top of a transition. L said that we had a vision of what our family looked like when we were pregnant with Lyra...him and I and a little girl. We are transitioning away from that vision...letting it go and embracing this new image of what our family might be. I think it has hit me so hard because I haven't let go of that original vision yet...that image that we had prepared for and looked forward to.
I hope it didn't come across that I was disappointed to have this baby boy. Quite the opposite. I know how lucky I am with this second chance at making our family. I just haven't let go of Lyra yet. Not that I ever will, but I hadn't considered how final this new baby would make her death. We are moving on with life, and it's harder than I thought.
So in the midst of all these crazy feelings, I felt it was vitally important for Lyra and Simon to come together in an image. To show this transition in our lives, and embrace our two children. Of course the stars mean so much to me, so they are an obvious component in indicating Lyra. Simon is in my belly, but with his own unique pattern and personality. Our path is unknown, as you can only take a day at a time...but it will be with both of them in our lives.