Monday, September 27, 2010


I got together again with the BLM who visited Lyra's grave with me (let's call her 'R'). As I sat with R, learning to knit and to teach how to crochet, we talked about the happenings of the last week of our lives; the land mines of social situations, the happiness in good news, and the hope of what our futures may hold. I got to see her daughter's memorial in their house, and their sweet nursery too. It felt good to see how another family remembers their our functional everyday shows the love for that child. She let me cry about how confused I was feeling, and listened with patience as I rambled trying to piece together all my thoughts. I felt embraced...despite all my crazy.  It was a good day.
I can't say I've bounced back from what I was feeling in my previous post. After announcing about Simon, I got an email that said (paraphrasing here) that this is a transition on top of a transition. L said that we had a vision of what our family looked like when we were pregnant with Lyra...him and I and a little girl. We are transitioning away from that vision...letting it go and embracing this new image of what our family might be. I think it has hit me so hard because I haven't let go of that original vision yet...that image that we had prepared for and looked forward to. 

I hope it didn't come across that I was disappointed to have this baby boy. Quite the opposite. I know how lucky I am with this second chance at making our family. I just haven't let go of Lyra yet. Not that I ever will, but I hadn't considered how final this new baby would make her death. We are moving on with life, and it's harder than I thought.

So in the midst of all these crazy feelings, I felt it was vitally important for Lyra and Simon to come together in an image. To show this transition in our lives, and embrace our two children. Of course the stars mean so much to me, so they are an obvious component in indicating Lyra. Simon is in my belly, but with his own unique pattern and personality. Our path is unknown, as you can only take a day at a time...but it will be with both of them in our lives.

My children


  1. Your art is beautiful. Wishing you a safe pregnancy and healthy baby. I am your opposite in many ways - I have a gorgeous daughter who so wanted to be a big sister and her little brother died due to a placental abruption at 23 weeks. I will hold a vision of your rainbow baby in your arms.

  2. Beautiful representation of your family. I love your art! Thinking of you...

  3. 'Not that I ever will, but I hadn't considered how final this new baby would make her death. We are moving on with life, and it's harder than I thought'

    This hit me really hard a number of times in my pregnancy with Max. It was like we were making a new life without Matilda at the center of it and that hurt.


  4. I really get this post. I really, really do. I had to let go of the vision of our little family of three - mum, dad and baby girl and embrace everything about my little boy growing inside - and she'd only been gone six months when I fell pregnant again. I know how conflicting it can feel to lose one sex then fall pregnant with the opposite sex, despite how very grateful you feel.
    Always happy to be a shoulder for you if you need it. Please don't ever hesitate to send an email.

  5. So beautifully said. I love this piece. It's so meaningful & beautiful.

  6. hey curls, i thought i had posted on your last entry but lately i've been writing and not hitting the post button ... vague. firstly, simon is a great name for a boy i have many good friends called simon. for me finding out i was having a girl ( the opposite to harvey) was at first painful because i wouldn't be getting the opportunity to have a baby that reminded me so much of him. having a girl was indeed very removed from him. i then realised that it was actually a blessing for me. because of my age i probably won't have any more children so harvey would always have that special place of being my only son and dotti would be my only daughter. a complete family.
    as final as death is, our firstborns will always be integrated into our new family's and thought about with every new event and milestone that passes. there is still such a long road ahead of us but as we grow and surround ourselves with more love and new life i like to believe that both lyra and harvey will have a more fundamental place in our family's lives and we as parents will be more confident of the way this is and secure in knowing it will always be. sending love xxx anne

    beautiful artwork by the way

    i also passed on an award to you to say thanks x

  7. The painting is stunning! I love it. I have been so impressed lately by the emotions which can be only expressed through art. Your painting here is a wonderful example of that. THank you for sharing this. I really love it.

    Give it time and your vision will morph into a family that holds Simon and Lyra. It happens on it's own. I struggled for a year after Liam to find a vision of us ever having another baby, then it happened and we TTC. ANd then we had to change our vision again, something that would not just include a baby, but someone else's child that we will adopt. But still, each time we talk of our future child, we say "him". Our vision holds a boy, even 3 years later. I prepared for a boy, was ready for a boy and still my mouth says "boy". We are always correcting ourselves, adding on ".... or a girl" at the last second.

    Work through this struggle, but know it is not Lyra you are moving away from, but Simon you are making room for. Your are expanding, and not just in your belly!

  8. 'Not that I ever will, but I hadn't considered how final this new baby would make her death. We are moving on with life, and it's harder than I thought'

    Right there with you........right there.... Thinking of you and your whole family.

  9. this is such a powerful post Rachel. thank you for sharing your feelings and process. you are making me think about things I never would have otherwise and become a more sensitive person.
    I am so sorry for this crazy jumble of emotions you are going through.
    I love that you painted a piece with both Lyra and Simon in it! that is *powerful*!
    And the painting is so beautiful too - wow!

  10. Oh My! This makes so much sense, I think this is what I'm struggling with right now, I totally get this.
    Beautiful work as always. x

  11. I love this. So beautiful and so true. XO

  12. Love this artwork, it's so beautiful! You are such a talented, amazing person and I'm so thankful to call you a friend. Thinking of you as you process all of the emotions that come with this latest news, much love my friend ((hugs))

  13. This is just beautiful - such a good thing to put them both in the same picture. This is a hard thing to do, knowing your two beloved babies won't get a chance to grow up together. Sending lots of love & light, xxxh

  14. One of your most beautiful pieces so far...and I LOVE the name Simon!