Thursday, August 26, 2010


Warning: Cynical, pessimistic, crazy post coming up.

My 16 week appointment was this afternoon.

For whatever reason, I was absolutely sure they weren't going to be able to find a heartbeat. I feel gun shy about my instincts. I had no clue something was wrong with Lyra. Why do I suddenly think I'll know now, just because it's a different baby? Every ache and pain I wonder if I'm ignoring something huge and S.uh is already dead. Or I could freak out and call the on-call number and find out everything is ok, until the next hour when I freak out again. I know the 'rather be safe than sorry' routine, but we did that with Lyra, and then she still died. I've actually been remarkably calm, outwardly. I just have crazy thoughts about being resigned to the fact that this baby is probably going to die too. That way, if S.uh comes to us alive and kicking, I'll be happy and surprised, instead of depressed and sad like last time. (As if this is like a term paper that I expected a C on and got an A+ instead. They are sooooo comparable...)

Granted, the above paragraph is just a portion of what battles in my brain. It's always there, but not always as overwhelmingly flagrant as it is right now...or at other times. L and I still talk about what crib will fit in our bitty apartment, and try to give this baby as much of what it deserves in our awaiting his/her arrival as in a 'normal' pregnancy. We have names ready, and try to envision carrying this wee one in a carrier as we go about life. So there's a bit of normal mixed in there sometimes.

So, back to the appointment - it showed everything to be fine. Another fine display of a good, strong heartbeat. No concerns. My 20 week sonogram will be with the same high risk doctor we met with before we were pregnant. We'll hopefully find out the sex of the baby, and see that everything is growing and developing as it should.

We just have to make it those 4 weeks to that appointment :)

I've included a 16 week picture...just because it's one of the things I try to do to be normal and celebrate S.uh.


  1. So glad to hear that the appointment went well & everything appears to be developing perfectly.
    I'm the same way in expecting the worst and then being happy if things turn out differently. Definitely a necessary coping mechanism to survive after such intense loss, how else can we protect our hearts?
    Your picture is super cute by the way, pregnancy looks good on you:)

  2. Being pregnant with a rainbow baby is so emotional draining and everything makes your paranoid...You don't get to a point where you can breath and go "okay, we've made it this far" and believe that you will bring a baby home..." At least, I never did!

    Your belly is very adorable!

  3. I am right there with you, girl. At every sonogram I hold my breath until I see the heart beating. I broke out in a sweat before the genetic anomaly screen.

    This is also why I rejected the offer of a Doppler--I'd be the crazy lady in the supermarket, blocking the aisle with my belly exposed and squirting goo on myself. Oh, and panicking.

    So glad you had a good appt today, and letting you know you're not alone.

  4. Glad to see that your 16 week appointment went well. Wish that things didn't have to be so hard for you... will be thinking about you at the 20 week point.

  5. Oh yes ~ I too am saying 'normal things' yet often thinking 'well, I doubt it' as I say it. I think you are so right about wanting to prepare emotionally for one thing and be happy when the outcome is far better. I have finally gotten some peace after our anatomy scan on Wed...yet, I still hear the whisper in the back of my brain that says...things can still happen or go wrong. It is so very hard. I hope that you find peace, on some level soon. Hang in there sweetie!

  6. I can understand this so well. x

  7. Glad to see that your worst fears were not realized and that your little one continues to do great!

  8. i had an appointment today too and even said to the dr that i thought the baby was dead .... who says that! anyway, not dead like yours, had a heartbeat. its not easy curls , is it. your belly is very cute xxx

  9. I think I could have written this post myself! I've already had one breakdown before an appointment. I was convinced I would go in there and we wouldn't hear a heartbeat. Then I'm okay, then the next week rolls around and I'm right back to worrying and thinking the worst. I wish it didn't have to be this way for us. Glad your appointment went well and hope all continue to go well! :) xoxoxo

  10. Happy to hear your appointment went well! I was nervous every appointment before I lost Oliver, I can't imagine what it will be like after a loss. Hang in there, I know nothing will help until that little one is in your arms.