Warning: Cynical, pessimistic, crazy post coming up.
My 16 week appointment was this afternoon.
For whatever reason, I was absolutely sure they weren't going to be able to find a heartbeat. I feel gun shy about my instincts. I had no clue something was wrong with Lyra. Why do I suddenly think I'll know now, just because it's a different baby? Every ache and pain I wonder if I'm ignoring something huge and S.uh is already dead. Or I could freak out and call the on-call number and find out everything is ok, until the next hour when I freak out again. I know the 'rather be safe than sorry' routine, but we did that with Lyra, and then she still died. I've actually been remarkably calm, outwardly. I just have crazy thoughts about being resigned to the fact that this baby is probably going to die too. That way, if S.uh comes to us alive and kicking, I'll be happy and surprised, instead of depressed and sad like last time. (As if this is like a term paper that I expected a C on and got an A+ instead. They are sooooo comparable...)
Granted, the above paragraph is just a portion of what battles in my brain. It's always there, but not always as overwhelmingly flagrant as it is right now...or at other times. L and I still talk about what crib will fit in our bitty apartment, and try to give this baby as much of what it deserves in our awaiting his/her arrival as in a 'normal' pregnancy. We have names ready, and try to envision carrying this wee one in a carrier as we go about life. So there's a bit of normal mixed in there sometimes.
So, back to the appointment - it showed everything to be fine. Another fine display of a good, strong heartbeat. No concerns. My 20 week sonogram will be with the same high risk doctor we met with before we were pregnant. We'll hopefully find out the sex of the baby, and see that everything is growing and developing as it should.
We just have to make it those 4 weeks to that appointment :)
I've included a 16 week picture...just because it's one of the things I try to do to be normal and celebrate S.uh.