Everything preterm labor related says to go to the hospital if you have more than 4 contractions in an hour and back pain and you know the list...so I went into the hospital Sunday night. I was hesitant to go in because it was the same day we went in to the hospital to check on Lyra one year ago. They monitored me for a while and did the "check to see if labor might happen in the next two weeks" test. It came back negative, and they discharged me telling me to return if the contractions/pain got worse. They disappeared by Monday afternoon.
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I know some of my posts recently have been predominantly about Simon and this pregnancy. I'm trying to not just repeat myself about how much I miss Lyra, or feel guilty still, or whatever pertains to grief. Sometimes I read other BLM posts that state exactly what I'm feeling so much more succinctly than I could, so I don't bother trying to write it myself. I also haven't done a lot of art lately, which is what I intended this blog to be mainly about. But I'm realizing I have to be open to how things develop and change...including myself. My therapist today reinforced that I need to take care of me first and foremost and not fall back into worrying about what other people think or might be uncomfortable about in regards to my grief and this pregnancy. It's easy for me to start worrying about this blog...that I'll lose followers if I don't do enough art, or if I talk about Simon too much, or am grammatically incorrect. Silly me...it's not about you (sorry). This is my space to be angry and sort things out and heal. If I find others who connect with me, great. If I don't, then ultimately it's still a step at a time for me, with whatever rambling I present, or painting I do, or picture I take. In fact, saying all this is a big step in itself... :)
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Today was supposed to be the follow-up sono for the cysts, but there was a mix-up of some sort and it ended up being a bio-physical one instead. Getting that straightened out is on the schedule for tomorrow when I meet with my doc.
The last sono tech I had curtly responded to any questions I had, "I just take pictures." The one today was amiable and so very encouraging and friendly. She unknowingly gave me a huge boost in spirit by asking about the abruption with Lyra. I mentioned I didn't have any external bleeding and no pain whatsoever. She responded, "You know we learn in school that there is supposed to be pain, but in my experience with abruptions, there are many women who never had any pain." I told her that it was unfortunate, but terribly reassuring to hear that. It made me feel less abnormal, and I needed that this week.
I'm including a 3-D picture of Simon. The sono tech mentioned that he had big, pouty lips...and that he does! His nose is also way bigger than Lyra's was. I think he's great though :)
So glad the contractions stopped and that the test came back negative. I have had two of those tests and they gave me so much relief! You are right, this is your space to do what you want, to say what you want, and to post when you want. I enjoy learning more about Simon, hearing about Lyra, and seeing your artwork. XO
ReplyDeleteSo happy to hear the contractions stopped. I can't imagine the concern! Simon is amazing and beautiful. Love the photo and thanks for sharing. Wishing you peace in these final weeks.
ReplyDeleteHow very scary for you, especially with the timing! So glad your adorable little Simon is doing well. And of course your blog should be your place to just say what you need to say without censoring yourself for others. It's free therapy, though your couselor sounds very good, too. Of course having lots of people rooting for you and enjoying your artwork is a nice bonus!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, you scared me with that title! My heart about jumped out of my chest, I'm SO thankful to read that you and Simon are okay. How awful for you to go through that scare on a day holding so much significance with Lyra...I'm so sorry my friend. Remember I am always, always, always a phone call away and I will be there so quickly if you need! Your therapist gave wonderful advice, good for you for getting out whatever feelings you need to. You're right this is supposed to be your safe space for whatever you need it to be. I'm glad you're recognizing that and allowing yourself to freely acknowledge your feelings. So much love to you my fabulous friend ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteSo glad to hear everything is OK!
ReplyDeleteI love the photo of Simon - amazing to see the little person he already is.
And glad to hear this blog is about you. I know it can be hard for me to put myself first sometimes (most times?). As I think about my own current pregnancy, I hope I can teach my daughter to take care of herself too. You'll be a great role model for Simon. :)
What a beautiful little Simon-face! So lovely.
ReplyDeleteI think you are spot on about the blog. You'll never be able to predict what people want to read, whereas you are the best person to work out what you need to write about at any given time.
Re - pain and abruption - I had no pain either when mine happened. I had read all the books and thought that you'd know an abruption was happening because of a) pain and b) bleeding, and I had neither, even with a complete abruption. Clearly it is an area where they need better research, or to listen to women more.
Take care xxxh
Oh my! Look at that lovely ittle face!
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to your worries about your blog. I do exactly the same thing, and often think others can put into words this world of grief so much better than I can.
Thinking of you, and interested to read whatever you need to post. x
glad everything has stopped re pre term labour for you and simon . use your blog for whatever you want honey, i do, its got to be of benefit to you and help you heal and move forward and yes we do all change. i wrote in my blog heaps at first and now less and less, but thats what i needed to do, i still have outbursts in it when i need them, we all go through it and we all understand. now..... on to that picture!!! simon is so beautiful looking! i can't believe that this time in a couple of months we will have pictures of real live babies on our blogs!!! its so incredible after such a journey. i'm so glad i got to travel it with people like you xx anne
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ReplyDeleteHello Simon! We love you.
ReplyDeletexo
Woah, so glad those contractions stopped for you. He looks so sweet :D
ReplyDeleteOy vey--so much for a drama-free pregnancy, huh? SOOO glad things turned out OK :) Simon is SO CUTE! Can't wait to see a pic when he's out here, too--if you choose to share, of course!
ReplyDeleteYou're doing great!
xo
So scary to go to the hospital...glad everything is fine. Simon face is perfect. He has beautiful everything. Thank you for posting that. Those 3-d pictures are so friggin' amazing. As for the blog, I am glad you are claiming this space as your own. We love you--the good, the bad, the ugly and the arty of you. You aren't going to scare us away. I promise.
ReplyDeleteso glad everything is ok. and i agree, this is your space, use it for whatever you feel like. those who love you, and care will be right here with you. simon is adorable. love the pouty lips - Juju had some pouty lips too. ♥
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine your emotion and stress as you went to the hospital on this signifant week in your pregnancy! I am so happy that things with Simon are fine.
ReplyDeleteAnd about this blog. . .well, you took the words right out of my mouth. I too worry that I am either too repetitive, boring, or just not worth writing about. Regardless, your space is for you alone. We all just like reading and following your journey since we get it and want to know that we are not feeling so singularly alone in our feelings. And I think that you write your feelings and what is going on in your head and world ~ just perfectly.
I also suspect that (like me) your art either suffers with you OR grows depending upon where you are emotionally. As you know, inspiration can't be canned and opened on demand. . .it is a fickle thing.
Hope that you can focus on Simon and the end of this journey with a smile and not so much stress and anticipation of something bad happening again. If you can, write me and tell me how to get there too!
By the way ~ I think that the fact that you have a name for Simon is a good sign. I can't even bring myself to think about naming this little person yet. Poor little baby 'no name' may be here before I even get my shit together.
Glad contractions pittered out. Simon's little face is just so very cute but I am glad you still have to wait a while to meet him! Much love and strength to you!
ReplyDeleteGlad everything is okay! And look at his little face!!!! :) And never worry about what others think, this is your space and yours alone! XO
ReplyDeletewhat a handsome face!!! you are right-it is not about US , it is about YOU! i love reading whatever you want to post :)
ReplyDeleteOur stories are so similiar regardig the abruption. We are so close as well in our rainbow baby pregnancies. I actually just went in ealry to my doc appt. today for back pain & stomach tightness. Contractions were noted but I am home now & hoping they ease up. I relate so much to what you said about repeating & keeping up with the blog. I think I have come to a point now where I write it to document this point in my life. To vent & set free my worries, emotions & love for my children.
ReplyDeleteI am glad all is well with you. I love the 3D shot!!
it's good to hear that everything is okay. it must have difficult to go to the hospital. you're right, this space is about you and what YOU NEED.
ReplyDeletebtw, you're little is so adorable :).
Oh, it's s good to see Simon and know all is well... he's cute as heck.
ReplyDeleteAbout the blogging... this blog is your space, your healing tool, your piece of virtual land where you can be just like you want, do what you need and write whatever you fancy. I love your art and your writing - will come back no matter what you do or how you do it. Because it's about you.
xo
Simon is beautiful. We saw a picture of H like this. I couldn't believe we got to see his face before we met him! It was so encouraging to us, as I'm sure this is to you. When H was born, he looked JUST LIKE the picture.
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