Monday, January 17, 2011


This post, paired with the last post, are perfect examples of the dual mindset I have right now. One shows a woman full and very lucky and grateful I am to be in this state of life again. Today is showing emptiness...a previous experience, or a continued experience as a BLM?

I know I've belabored this point, but I just miss Lyra. And despite the goodness of Simon, and our anxious waiting for him to be here, there's always a part of our family missing...a part of me that feels empty without her. This drawing is just a small aspect of a moment in my's not a constant image. But it's there, floating around, as an experience that will forever be a part of my life.

I think life after losing your child is about duality, which this bit below perfectly describes:

"Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity."

-Author Unknown-


  1. And, these dual emotions become even more compounded once your rainbow baby makes their entrance or at least it was that way for me.

    I've seen that poem many times and it never gets old...

    Thinking of you and ((hugs))

  2. That poem is very touching, especially the reminder that a bereaved mother takes on all forms.

    Praying for you.

  3. That poem is exactly it, isn't it?
    Thinking of you. I know how hard the end is. I don't know how I did it, to be honest.

  4. That poem is just perfect. Thinking of you. XO

  5. That poem is beautiful and as you said I think it is a part of life after loss, there is always a tinge of grief even in moments of joy. I had to share this poem with you too...I came across it on another blog yesterday and thought it was beautiful. Been thinking about you so much these past couple of days, sending lots of love & hope your way ((hugs))

    A Different Child
    by Pandora MacMillian

    People notice
    There's a special glow around you.
    You grow
    Surrounded by love,
    Never doubting you are wanted;
    Only look at the pride and joy
    In your mother and father's eyes.

    And if sometimes
    Between the smiles
    There's a trace of tears,
    One day
    You'll understand.

    You'll understand
    There was once another child
    A different child
    Who was in their hopes and dreams.

    That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
    That child will never keep them up at night
    In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
    Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
    When mother and father miss so much
    That different child.

    May hope and love wrap you warmly
    And may you learn the lesson forever
    How infinitely precious
    How infinitely fragile
    Is this life on earth.

    One day, as a young man or woman
    You may see another mother's tears
    Another father's silent grief
    Then you, and you alone
    Will understand
    And offer the greatest comfort.

    When all hope seems lost,
    You will tell them
    With great compassion,
    "I know how you feel.
    I'm only here
    Because my mother tried again.

  6. I think the idea of duality sums it up perfectly. And the quote fits perfectly. I am experiencing my own tender day today - not quite sad, not quite happy... life isn't as it was supposed to be, and yet it still is.

    Thinking of you, Lyra, Simon and your dear husband.

  7. I don't know if you follow Lori's blog Lori Does Maryland, but I think you'll really relate to her last post about what it's like having a new baby after losing her first child.

  8. you expressed this so beautifully.

  9. You know.. I focus on all the beautiful things that remind me of Claire, her picture little face, her tiny hands and feet, the miracle that she was born alive, how I felt holding her, dreaming about her after she died, etc. But the trauma of holding her while she died, of saying goodbye before she was cremated, of moving ashes into an urn.. these things are there equally, the duality of good and bad memories. The terrible portions are tattooed onto our minds permanently and there are times, when the only thing we can think about is the fact that they died. This piece conveys a lot, as always, very talented.

  10. Thank you for sharing your art and the poem. I feel so disconnected to the world. I can connect to this. That is a gift. 19 days. I hadn't been here for a while. Wow! I'm so excited to "meet" Simon.

  11. So, so true: "She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity".

    Thanks for sharing this poem. Love it. Thinking of you and your family. Hoping to meet Simon soon. xoxo