I had a very kind individual who knows about Lyra, tell me in excitement for Simon's arrival, that it's amazing how much one's heart will grow with the birth of this first baby. I calmly agreed, saying in my head that I knew how much a mother's heart grows...I experienced it with Lyra. That this was not my first experience with loving a child. Though I didn't get to bring Lyra home and nurture her and raise her, my heart still expanded.
I walked away from that conversation knowing the person intended only to make a connection to me...to share an experience. They meant no harm, and they don't realize my experience fully. But it makes me wonder how many people will see Simon as our first, even if they know about Lyra.
I, of course, can't control how people feel and how they view our family. I can only do my part to actively remember her, and try not to take it personally when she is forgotten or overlooked. It's awkward for people, and I'm still learning how to do all this too.
I keep riding the fence about how I'm supposed to be feeling. Excitement? Anxiousness? Fear? Happiness? "Supposed to be" of course is where my therapist stops me and asks me to rephrase it to just, "how I'm feeling". I'm continually confused because if I feel excited about the possibility that Simon will be alright and alive, then I feel like I'm stepping away from my post at grieving over Lyra...I'm stepping further away from a shared experience with friends and recent moms who experience baby death...I'm gaining a more "normal" look to the outside world.
I told a close BLM friend that I have this selfish perspective that my grief is unique. That I feel like I deserve something extra because my baby died. Maybe that's why I balk at the idea that I will look "normal" to other people. That this makes me less accessible to other BLM's. That Lyra is minimized because I will hopefully have a child to take up my time and energy.
I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else. I probably am driving you all crazy because I'm not just "happy" or "sad". It's always a confusing mixture of both. With a big dose of selfishness added in. And so continues the process of figuring out this grief, and life in general...right?