As I stumble to the bathroom for the fourth time in the night, the thought crosses my mind that this interrupted sleep is good practice for when the baby is here. I envision holding her and feeding her and rocking her back to sleep.
Then I groggily chastise myself for forgetting that it will be Simon, and not Lyra. I'd think an entire year without her would change that...that having seen his boy parts every week now would have brought him out from underneath her shadow. He is the reality that we hope to bring home within the next month, whereas she is gone.
I'm slowly getting excited as the concept of us bringing a baby home seems to get closer. I know there's still plenty that can go wrong. But I'm hoping nothing does...I want to meet my son and look him in the eyes and connect to him. To establish him as his own person.
I just really miss her though.
Getting up in the middle of the night, I find myself thinking the most profound thoughts of the day. There's lots of processing for you right now as you anticipate Simon and remember Lyra.
ReplyDeletePraying that when you meet him, you can look him in the eyes and see him and see Lyra too.
Sadly, I feel the same way and I have my rainbow baby BOY...Sometimes I still do forget that HE is a HE and not Kinley who I lost last January...I never even saw Kinley (21 weeks) but was SO excited to finally have a little girl...I love my new baby boy, but it still stings...
ReplyDeleteThinking of you with strength and hope for the coming weeks.
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine how hard it must be to think of and prepare for this new life when the one that came before is there in every corner of your mind...
I am new to your blog, I wanted to say hello and that I find myself forgetting that my son isn't the baby I lost 5 years ago. I mean it just seems so crazy to me that I would forget that. And no he doesn't replace that baby.....I wonder sometimes if I will ever be able to look at him without wondering what my other baby would have been like.
ReplyDeleteEnough with that.....yes your bathroom trips will help you!! I remember hating that I couldn't sleep more than 2 hours without having to get up. Good practice for the new baby.
Take care!!
Danielle
Grief and joy all mixed into one. I know the feelings all too well.
ReplyDeleteI stumble back and forth between how will I feel if I have another girl and how will I feel if I never have a little girl? 22 days and I will know and I am sure either way it will be bittersweet.
Right here with you.
xo
I can relate very well. Thinking of you the next few weeks and hoping things continue to go well!
ReplyDeleteThe joy of pregnancy and the grief of loss combined can bring on so many emotions. I often wonder if I will have the opportunity to have another boy someday and I know I love this girl I am carrying so much already all the while loving Emma and Chase more and more with each passing day. I cannot believe how close you are to meeting your boy! I hear you with the bathroom trips in the night. I usually am up every 2 hours at this point.
ReplyDeleteThinking of sweet Lyra... xo
I remember feeling the same way with Lily's pregnancy that it was good practice for lack of sleep. Even now I'm already having to pee 4 or more times a night!!! Thinking of you and hoping so much things continue smoothly. Pregnancy after loss brings into play such a complex intensity of emotions, joy mixed with grief and so many other things. Lots of love to you ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI know.
ReplyDeletexo
(((hugs)))
ReplyDelete