Today marks the beginning of the 30th week of this pregnancy. My irrational side says this is when doom ensues. My rational side says doom can ensue anytime...not just at 30 weeks. Ha...real positivity, eh?
Lyra died sometime between 30 weeks - 30 weeks, 2 days. The freakish nature of not having a cause or my not having felt any pain or symptoms of placental abruption haunt me. Not knowing that she was distressed, that her heart was slowing, and that she was dying swirl around and around in my brain.
I fear not knowing again. Either not knowing about another abruption, or one of the other billion things that can go wrong. I know this is a separate pregnancy, with a different baby. But I'm still the body having carried both Lyra and now Simon. There's that element that is still the same in both pregnancies. I fear it's capabilities to keep him alive and safe.
I still proceed each day though. I still talk to Simon, and am glad when he kicks...even when it hurts. I have gathered some other baby items in preparation for him. I've had two more dreams about holding him...alive and breathing. I think these things show good progress considering all that goes through my mind. I try to keep a lid on the crazy, but it's been comforting to read posts, comments and emails from other women who have made it through a pregnancy after loss...that I'm not abnormal in my fears, thoughts and hopes.
I'm thankful for everyone's words of support and encouragement so far and as we continue on...both friends online and in real life.