Today marks the beginning of the 30th week of this pregnancy. My irrational side says this is when doom ensues. My rational side says doom can ensue anytime...not just at 30 weeks. Ha...real positivity, eh?
Lyra died sometime between 30 weeks - 30 weeks, 2 days. The freakish nature of not having a cause or my not having felt any pain or symptoms of placental abruption haunt me. Not knowing that she was distressed, that her heart was slowing, and that she was dying swirl around and around in my brain.
I fear not knowing again. Either not knowing about another abruption, or one of the other billion things that can go wrong. I know this is a separate pregnancy, with a different baby. But I'm still the body having carried both Lyra and now Simon. There's that element that is still the same in both pregnancies. I fear it's capabilities to keep him alive and safe.
I still proceed each day though. I still talk to Simon, and am glad when he kicks...even when it hurts. I have gathered some other baby items in preparation for him. I've had two more dreams about holding him...alive and breathing. I think these things show good progress considering all that goes through my mind. I try to keep a lid on the crazy, but it's been comforting to read posts, comments and emails from other women who have made it through a pregnancy after loss...that I'm not abnormal in my fears, thoughts and hopes.
I'm thankful for everyone's words of support and encouragement so far and as we continue on...both friends online and in real life.
keeping you in my thoughts and prayers during the next 10 wks. xoxo
ReplyDeletewow, I would imagine this must be such a hard time for you. Even I, an outsider, find the thoughts and feelings you are having, the hopes and fears, totally normal in your situation. I wish I had better words to express what I'm feeling... I admire you for sharing your journey honestly here, for finding ways to carry on in spite of the fear and still in the midst of your grief.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you have those dreams.
thinking of all 4 of you and holding you in my heart with healing energy.
~♥~
Gosh, I know. You'll make it through. I hope it gets a little . . . less heavy? Easier? Less anxious? after this point. I know how it goes, though.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you this week, as always. Thinking of Lyra--and give a little pat to Simon for me ;)
I'm thinking about you always...sending prayers up to Lyra of good health to you and your little Simon. Hang in there...((hugs))
ReplyDeleteWishing you peace through these next ten weeks and praying everything ends in the best possible way. Thinking of you. xx
ReplyDeletei completely understand where you are coming from but you just have to believe that this time it will be different. Harvey and Lyra are protecting us and our little ones, of this i'm sure, sending love xxx anne
ReplyDeleteI know the anxiety that comes with meeting "that" time in your pregnancy. It is so scary and emotional. And once you pass it... it is a little less so however still there. Like I've said before and will continue to say... it's another unfortunate side effect of babyloss. It is unfair that we cannot just relax and enjoy every. single. minute. for the sake of our rainbow but it is what it is.
ReplyDeleteI wish you and Simon a healthy 10 weeks! Can you believe you are down to counting on 2 hands!!
xo
This is so hard. The last 8-10 weeks very nearly brought me undone.
ReplyDeleteHold on mama, it wont be easy but I know you can do this.
xo
Hang in there. I had a thing about 34 weeks (when Matilda stopped moving and was delivered) but my anxiety was just high all the time towards the end.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you as you count down these last weeks.
Maddie x
Love you hon. We are all with you and Lou.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I have an issue with 35 weeks... I feel so far from it, but it's also when I lost Alexandra. I wish we didn't have this anxiety, thinking of you! xo
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine how the days must be for you right now. While I want so badly to enter my next pregnancy and an trying, I know that the road ahead will be full of worry and anxiety. I am sending you much peace and positive thoughts for sweet Simon.... may he grow stronger with each day...
ReplyDeleteI with you!! my abruption happend at full term 40 weeks. so I feel like I don't get to "get over" any hump.. Total weeks of worry for me.. You are not alone!
ReplyDeleteOh, Red. I imagine this must be such a frightening time. Lovely and frightening at the same time. Would having a doppler at home help the anxiety? Maybe the clinic has an old one they could lend you. My clinic lent us one and I listened to Nara's heart beating multiple times a day. It always put me at ease.
ReplyDeleteI don't know you well, but you are completely right in feeling that way. The time will go by fast, but not fast enough though. Hang in there and I will keep praying for you.
ReplyDeleteMira
That's the hardest thing, not knowing when your body fails your baby- and knowing that is capable of doing just that. It's hard to trust your body after such a let down.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and Simon.
xo