Random

We watched Alice in Wonderland recently. I'd mostly heard grumbles about it, but sometimes I like the grumbly movies for an odd reason or another. I must say that both L and I liked it quite a lot. I bring it up for the purpose of one quote in the movie that I took very much to heart...Alice is told, "‎You used to be much more..."muchier." You've lost your muchness." Alice of course goes on to find her "muchness"...the courage and strength and 'fill-in-the-blank-with-whatever-character trait-a-great-woman-should-have". But ever since the movie finished, I've been contemplating my "muchness"...or lack thereof. 

I didn't mean to concern anyone by not having been on any of the social networks lately. Thank you to those who sent comments or emails to see how I've been doing. Nothing terrible has happened. I just have felt disconnected. Or a lack of something to say. Or I have something to say, but it's just me pushing the repeat button on everything I always say. 

I feel like everyone just wants us to be happy (which is wonderful! Who wouldn't want to be happy?). But we're not. And though I do go to a small ladies group twice a month now, and go to lunch or coffee with friends, or hold a conversation in some social setting - I'm not ok. It's progress that I can do all those things. I see that. I do have good days. Some times multiples in a row. I'm proud of that. But I'm still really struggling with Lyra's death. I feel weak admitting that. I feel weak admitting I've fallen off the AEDM bandwagon. I feel weak that I am so overwhelmed with the holidays. And part of me worries someone in this world thinks I'm not doing enough. I'm not pulling myself up by my bootstraps or jumping back on the horse. I should be motivating myself and having positive thoughts which will propel me into being okay. And I struggle with the disappointment or disapproval I might get from people in my being honest and saying that this is where I'm at. Still. (And let's make it clear that I'm not upset with people wishing positive things for our lives. I'm thankful for people who care about our well being and only want the best. This last paragraph is not some snarky finger pointing at anyone. It's about my feelings on myself.)

See where the "muchness" quote hit home for me? I used to be "muchier" before last December. 

I had a very honest discussion about my artwork and grief with some people at a local coffee shop this past Sunday. I was invited to share, and of course got nervous about it. Started to try and "organize" my thoughts and what I'd say. A day or two before I realized that was unfair to how this whole process started. After Lyra died I didn't sit down and say, "Ok, let's set up a time table of when to do my art, what I'll do, and if the perspective is spot on." Nope, I just grabbed whatever and did whatever came out...what I was feeling. Instead of speaking my crazy, though I did do a fair share of that too, I created my crazy in some art form or another. So, for this discussion I went in with no notes or anything. Just my art, and my crazy :) I felt good about the morning. I got some really positive comments about my work, and my process. I knew it was such a specific area of grief, and tried to connect to the fact that there are so many other things that people can grieve about. And that a creative medium can be helpful in processing those feelings.

So after that experience, and writing about how I'm feeling in this post, I wonder why I'm not spewing this onto a canvas?  I'm a hypocrite. 

In other news, Simon is measuring almost two weeks ahead. I passed the glucose test. I start weekly appointments now. We'll do a cyst sono check-up in a month. All good things.

I'll finish this too long of a post up by acknowledging that I know there are people with worse scenarios than me. I'm not saying that my grumbles trump anyone else's. I'm just trying to be honest about myself. I hope to keep pondering "muchness" and how I can return to my "muchier" disposition, all the while hoping that my lack of it doesn't affect Simon's "muchness" factor.