Wednesday, November 17, 2010


We watched Alice in Wonderland recently. I'd mostly heard grumbles about it, but sometimes I like the grumbly movies for an odd reason or another. I must say that both L and I liked it quite a lot. I bring it up for the purpose of one quote in the movie that I took very much to heart...Alice is told, "‎You used to be much more..."muchier." You've lost your muchness." Alice of course goes on to find her "muchness"...the courage and strength and 'fill-in-the-blank-with-whatever-character trait-a-great-woman-should-have". But ever since the movie finished, I've been contemplating my "muchness"...or lack thereof. 

I didn't mean to concern anyone by not having been on any of the social networks lately. Thank you to those who sent comments or emails to see how I've been doing. Nothing terrible has happened. I just have felt disconnected. Or a lack of something to say. Or I have something to say, but it's just me pushing the repeat button on everything I always say. 

I feel like everyone just wants us to be happy (which is wonderful! Who wouldn't want to be happy?). But we're not. And though I do go to a small ladies group twice a month now, and go to lunch or coffee with friends, or hold a conversation in some social setting - I'm not ok. It's progress that I can do all those things. I see that. I do have good days. Some times multiples in a row. I'm proud of that. But I'm still really struggling with Lyra's death. I feel weak admitting that. I feel weak admitting I've fallen off the AEDM bandwagon. I feel weak that I am so overwhelmed with the holidays. And part of me worries someone in this world thinks I'm not doing enough. I'm not pulling myself up by my bootstraps or jumping back on the horse. I should be motivating myself and having positive thoughts which will propel me into being okay. And I struggle with the disappointment or disapproval I might get from people in my being honest and saying that this is where I'm at. Still. (And let's make it clear that I'm not upset with people wishing positive things for our lives. I'm thankful for people who care about our well being and only want the best. This last paragraph is not some snarky finger pointing at anyone. It's about my feelings on myself.)

See where the "muchness" quote hit home for me? I used to be "muchier" before last December. 

I had a very honest discussion about my artwork and grief with some people at a local coffee shop this past Sunday. I was invited to share, and of course got nervous about it. Started to try and "organize" my thoughts and what I'd say. A day or two before I realized that was unfair to how this whole process started. After Lyra died I didn't sit down and say, "Ok, let's set up a time table of when to do my art, what I'll do, and if the perspective is spot on." Nope, I just grabbed whatever and did whatever came out...what I was feeling. Instead of speaking my crazy, though I did do a fair share of that too, I created my crazy in some art form or another. So, for this discussion I went in with no notes or anything. Just my art, and my crazy :) I felt good about the morning. I got some really positive comments about my work, and my process. I knew it was such a specific area of grief, and tried to connect to the fact that there are so many other things that people can grieve about. And that a creative medium can be helpful in processing those feelings.

So after that experience, and writing about how I'm feeling in this post, I wonder why I'm not spewing this onto a canvas?  I'm a hypocrite. 

In other news, Simon is measuring almost two weeks ahead. I passed the glucose test. I start weekly appointments now. We'll do a cyst sono check-up in a month. All good things.

I'll finish this too long of a post up by acknowledging that I know there are people with worse scenarios than me. I'm not saying that my grumbles trump anyone else's. I'm just trying to be honest about myself. I hope to keep pondering "muchness" and how I can return to my "muchier" disposition, all the while hoping that my lack of it doesn't affect Simon's "muchness" factor.


  1. Hi Rachel,

    First thank you for sharing your truth. It is genuine and it is real, and doesn't go away by pretneding it's not there.

    Second, I really believe there are no 'shoulds'. Just what 'is'. And if what is, is negative or emptiness I don't think this is reason to be any less real or accepting of it than the positivity. In the struggle for peace and happiness, i think, is where we find the most discontent. Some times we just have to sit in our own muck and let that be ok.

    I think that your ability to post your feelings is a good place to start. The only judge to worry about is yourself, (so let yourself off the hook ;).) Sad is OK. It's just as real and authentic and justified and any other dimension of this human experience.

    Sending Love


  2. Oh, honey, aedm is demanding and hard, and if you aren't feeling it, it should not ever make you feel like you aren't doing enough. Just existing is hard enough. You are reaching Lyra's first birthday, and that is emotionally a really really difficult time. I would suggest finding a television show that is now on DVD and just getting them all from Netflix and watching them until you give birth. Don't worry about painting, or writing, or blogging or being on social networks or doing anything. Just my two cents. I think without anything else but eating breakfast and existing, you are doing six impossible things by breakfast, if you know what I mean. xo

  3. Rach, I can so relate to many of your feelings here. Lyra's death is one thing, but the pregnancy with Simon is another thing all together, and all rolled in together - it is little wonder some days are all going to seem too much for you.
    Try and keep your chin up and know you are loved and supported here.

  4. I understand so much of what you say here, and it helps to know feelings I have and can't quite describe, others are feeling too.
    Pregnancy after loss is probably the closest I've come to insanity.

  5. Hello,
    I've been following your blog for a while. Angela at little bird suggested I introduce myself as I am a Kansan too. I struggle with many similar feelings and find it very positive for you to admit your weaknesses out loud so to speak. I will be thinking of you and Lyra today as you mark 11 months since her passing. Much love to you! ~Missy

  6. you have received some wonderful advice and consolations from some of my favourite women on here, so everything they said and know that i feel the same too, i'm hardly writing these days myself but am always reading and right there with you. its great to be so honest about the way you feel, poop to everyones expectations honey, this is your journey, sending loads of love and although i love love love your art, i have missed your posts, so thanks. xxx

  7. I hear you. Retreat as you need--know you are thought of and cared about very much. Simon's muchness will be oh-so-much.
    xo MB

  8. Trying again as my comment keeps getting eaten by Blogger.

    I liked Alice in Wonderland too although I was wary because of the grumbles. I don't know but I suspect your muchness is still there even if you can't quite feel it at the moment? And I don't think that your Simon will have less of anything for having you as his mother. xo

  9. Thank you for your honesty...please be kind to yourself. I think Kate is very wise. Sending love to you, Simon, and your beloved.