As my cough continued, and my nose ran on, I thumped around the kitchen. I slammed doors and threw items forcefully in the trash. L looked at me out of the corner of his eye and quietly asked if everything was okay.
Yesterday was International Bereaved Mother's Day.
And I forgot. I did not change my profile picture on fb. I did not send messages to my fellow BLM's.
All I knew was that I was missing my first half marathon. I had not ran or exercised in two weeks. And my not-cheap, first experience at a half marathon was not happening. The thumping and slamming was my pity party (and it also included a batch of no-bake cookies).
When had I become emotional about non-dead baby things? For three years I've been an advocate for awareness on anything related to miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, and infertility. For three years I scoffed at things I felt were unimportant, but that "normal" people deemed important...missing a tv show, work drama, etc.
Part of me wishes I'd been astute enough to plan for this half marathon on IBMD day, so that I could run for me and my fellow mama's. Part of me wonders if I'm losing my touch with the BLM world, and what that means. I'm confused about this new role I have, this new hobby and lifestyle. About who I'm becoming yet.
I hope you felt valued yesterday. I hope you feel valued every day, even if you don't have your baby(s) in your arms. I hope you know that even if I don't write here, I'm still thinking of you all, and of your baby(s). Sending love.
I relate to so much of this. I was in the middle of my own pity party to pay any attention to baby-loss related anything. I felt, and feel, like a schmuck. But my lack of writing and commenting does not reflect my lack of reading and loving.
ReplyDeleteAh, life.
I'm still sorry you missed your half this weekend. It will happen. For the both of us :)
xo
I think you are being hard on yourself. I didn't do much...and honestly, didn't feel like doing much. I didn't change my profile picture. I took a picture for Still Standing but in truth, it was an afterthought when I woke up and realized I 'should'. Because the reality is that I just didn't want to. I know that sounds harsh. I don't mean it to. I think we live in the reality that others only have in their faces on days like yesterday and honestly, pretty much on my FB list knows how I feel about pretty much everything, haha. BLM friends know they are loved and treasured every day. Infertility friends the same. "Regular" friends feel sorry for me most of the time anyway.
ReplyDeleteIt's ok. Identities change. Whether our children had lived or not, seasons of life would change. Remembrance doesn't always require action and grief doesn't really always require remembrance because it is so ingrained in who we've become.
Hoping you feel better soon!!!!
Your frustration and disappointment about missing your first half due to illness is understandable. You have trained so hard and looked forward to this new challenge. Please try to be gentle to yourself around the timing of the race and the day. I knew it was IBMD but did not feel the strong need or connection to change my profile picture on FB or do anything public about it. I think now that I have done 5 1/2 years of grief work and mourning and connected with so many amazing BLMs that something has settled inside. And of course having a rainbow baby makes such a huge difference in the peace and healing inside me. I thought about changing my picture, even looked at old photos of my grief art, but it felt forced so I didn't. Part of me, like you, felt confused but mostly I realized this is healing and love and finding my way in the present. I hope you can sort through the confusion and find the truth of where you are. And there is nothing wrong with a good old fashion cookie eating pity party sometimes. Love to you.
ReplyDeleteRachel, clearly you haven't lost touch with the BLM world. You're here; we're here. How we choose to express our loss, how we advocate for awareness, how we live in both the BLM and "normal" world will continue to shift and change as time passes, as we change. Like most changes it is awkward sometimes. I sometimes struggle to explain how I feel now to myself—fully feeling the joy despite the absence?—never mind to anyone else. I've always said that we get to have bad days, too. Just because you know intimately Bad Days, doesn't mean you're spared run of the mill bad days. You had one. It does suck that you were sick after all your work and training. Hell, you're one of the many people (many of them BLM) who inspire me in my running. I met you as a BLM, but I'm glad to know you as a person.
ReplyDeleteRemarkable issues here. I am very happy to look your article.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much and I'm taking a look ahead to touch you. Will you kindly drop me a mail?
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