Thursday, June 17, 2010


I haven't done anything creatively this week. I have plenty of ideas, just haven't had to oomph to do it as I've been feeling not so hot.

Last night we watched Kar.ate Kid 2, after watching the first installment the night before. I've never seen them, and L believes I haven't really experienced the essence of karate-ness and a classic coming of age movie unless I watch them. Now I get the weird chopstick/fly jokes. However, at the end of each movie, I complained about it ending on such a high note. Both movies (will the 3rd?) end with the big fight scene that the entire movie has been leading up to. Boom. They're done. And happy. The end.

Countless other movies I like end that way:
[Guy meets girl. Fight. Make-up. Marry. Happy.]
[Robot cleaning earth. Finds plant. Meets girl. Saves earth. Happy] 
[Man's dad dies. Loses horse to brumbies. Overcomes all obstacles. Gets brumbies. Happy.] 

In grade school I liked to write. I'd write stories that now I assume were for school projects. They would be fanciful and creative and fun. And then everything would end in one fell swoop, "And then they died." I'm not sure if it was due to a time constraint or that I just got tired of writing, and so this was a "legitimate" way to end the story. Fortunately I did not go on to have a writing career, and only painfully submit others to my writing on this blog, or in personal emails.

L reminded me of this morbid ending to my stories as I complained about the conclusions of these two movies. He was joking, of course, and I cut the movie director some slack. Happy endings aren't bad. They give hope. They bring a smile. Of course, if they were real stories, we aren't foolish enough to think that their life is perfect. They go on to have more trials, and more happy endings to whatever installment of life they are in.

I'm ready to know what our ending is or even what our options could be, for this most recent installment of our life:
[Couple pregnant. Baby dies. Move to Hawaii. Happy.]
[Couple pregnant. Baby dies. Get pregnant. Bring home live baby. Happy.]
[Couple pregnant. Baby dies. Build house. Have goats and tree swing. Happy.]
[Couple pregnant. Baby dies. Get brumbies. Happy.] I guess this would also entail moving to NZ.

I don't know what our situation ends up as. I sure as hell know that there won't be a movie based on it. But, today at least, I know it won't always feel as bad as it does right now. And I know that Hawaii, or a live baby, or a tree swing would not necessarily mean happiness either. The situation itself may be lovely, but if I'm out of whack, then it won't be happy. We all know those family vacations where you're standing on some beautiful mountain top, but everyone is pissed for having been crammed in the car for 9 hours. 

Humans are capable of ruining their own goodness. I am capable of remaining neck deep in my grief, and not looking for ways to get out. I have my art, but it's mostly sad. I'm not keeping my feelings pent up, but I'm not moving past my guilt, my fear, my self pity. I'm not saying I should be over it. I don't think I ever shall be over it. There will be new obstacles and tragedies to overcome as well. That is life. But I would like to have some inkling of hope that we end up happy at some point. I think we deserve to believe that's possible.


  1. Wow, I have to disagree that you shouldn't go on to have a writing career. :) This is a great post. I am a big movie nut so your plot comparisons totally resonate with me. I think about the elusive "happy" feeling all the time, I just don't know how to get there. I think I just need to have another baby and then I will get there, but that's a whole lot of pressure to put on my next child, and I know I need to get happy for myself first, if that makes any sense.

    I have hope, for both of us, that we will end up with some kind of a "happy ending." You're absolutely right that we deserve to believe it's possible.


  2. Me too. I think we all deserve some hope. XO

  3. I think we are all looking for the happy ending, and I think we all know that there will be happy moments, and there will be sad ones, and in our cases the happy ones will always be tinged with the sadness of the missing person.
    I try to just feel how I'm feeling, just be with it, and I think that's what you do too.
    Your work is sad,but it captures feelings so well, and there is beauty and honesty in that.
    Do what you need to do creatively and maybe the happy work will come, I think it will, I already see hope in some of your pieces.
    I think it's ok too to create a hopeful piece one day and a sad piece the next. This is how our lives are.
    Eeeek, sorry I'm waffling and probably not making much sense.
    Just know that your work and your blog inspires me. I wish we'd never had to meet under these circumstances,but I'm glad that our paths crossed.
    Much love to you,be gentle with yourself.x

  4. For a long while after Liam I could not watch happy ending movies. I wanted to throw an object through the screen when the ending turned everything into something happy and tidy. I was angry and bitter than my ending was not happy and moved farther from tidy each day.

    Slowly I am able to watch silly movies with happy style endings and not feel the overpowering urge to destroy and yell "BS!" toward the screen!

    We all deserve happy endings though. Happiness will find it's way into your heart, ever so slightly at first but one day you will lay in bed and realize you felt happy most of the day and will be shocked at that revelation. But I also know that anticipating and planning what will bring happiness only brings disapointment, so the happy has to find it's own way, time and plot.


  5. Yes. End your story with a "happy". Find a way, somehow, to get there. There is always reason to hope.