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It seems there is a bandwagon that everyone desires to be on, and recently a whole slew of people have been able to jump on. I read each new pregnancy post, and wish for that person and their family to be happy. To make it through the coming months and come out with a live baby and some amount of peace, if that's possible after losing a child.
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I have been decidedly absent lately; from this blog; from friends; from life in general. I have not felt creative. I have not been free of emotions, but just of the energy to express what I'm feeling. I think I'm depressed. Not based on just this last slump, but over a period of time. I I have no fear in taking the steps to go about mending that. It just is what it is.
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We've been struggling as marriage partners: about Lyra, about life situations, about each other, about ourselves. I haven't had my full attention on grieving this past month. I haven't made any steps towards being more of myself, in my attempt to give some attention to my marriage. It's ironic that if I'm truly grieving, I'm completely self-centered and leave L to fend for himself. If I give attention to him, I end up forgetting to move forward myself. I'm terrible at multi-tasking right now. And no one talks about the struggles that happen in a marriage after your baby dies. There's the struggle with relationships with family and friends - but what about the crazy shit that can occur with each other?
I told another BLM in an email that I never realized how grief would kick you in every tender spot you had. I expected to be sad about losing my daughter. I expected to be misunderstood by people. But to be so unbelievably kicked in the face by grief in regards to my own marriage. This man is my best friend, my companion, my encourager and my love. And we are on two different worlds, when we really could use each other in the same world. I am not blaming him for anything or pointing a finger -this is just what it's like right now. This is an aspect of grief that just sucks. I don't know why it took 6 months to hit us in this way. But the reality is that it has.
As we work on ourselves, and work towards finding each other amidst our grief, we have a small beacon of light shining. The bandwagon stopped by, and we were lucky enough to get the opportunity to jump on: I'm 9 weeks, 2 days pregnant. We had our first appointment and sonogram yesterday, and there was a fast, little heartbeat. This little baby has some pretty messed up parents, but we already love this little one so much. L nicknamed it "Baby S.uh" (pronounced like Sue), after the 300lb defensive back lineman on the Ne.braska Hu.skers football team. Har har.
Nothing is guaranteed. Everything will be an "if" in the coming months. This doesn't fix anything. In fact, it complicates things.
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I won't get a separate blog. I understand if some are not able to follow anymore. I don't mean to be insensitive, but I started this blog for my art and words, which encompass all my life; my grief in losing Lyra, the sporadic bits of joy I have, this new little sweet pea growing, and whatever else that may happen in between. I don't know how to separate all those out to their own little spheres.
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I feel a huge amount of guilt about being pregnant. I'm one of "those people" who can get pregnant easily. We got pregnant with Lyra quickly, and this time around we weren't specifically trying, but it just happened. I know it's unfair. I know too many people, especially after joining this community, who have spent so much time, love, energy, and money in trying to bring a baby into their lives. Some have their babies, some lose their babies, and some are never able to have their babies. I feel a significant sense of injustice in that, and I feel that I contribute to it in some way. Either for my naivety before, or my ability to be pregnant now.
L and my mom would say that I'm not to shoulder the weight of everyone's feelings. I have a nasty tendency to do so. I'm terribly empathetic, and a people pleaser. Although a strength on some levels, it's also a big, gigantic weakness of mine.
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One day at a time. That's all I can do right now.
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Pencil & Pen
Oh, this is just lovely news. I can relate to your feelings, so, so much. This was me just over 12 months ago. Feeling on the one hand so happy to be preg again but on the other, like such a shit that it came so quickly and easily to me when others had struggled so much. Many continue to struggle to this day. I will be thinking of you so much in the coming months, and hanging on your every post. I also hope you and your husband can find that spark in your marriage again. It is so sad what babyloss does to the rest of our lives. The ripple effect of the grief.
ReplyDeleteSending love and strength.
Sally
I'm so pleased to hear of your pregnancy. I know those feelings of guilt and the "If's", but like Sally, I'll be here, just sitting with you and willing you on. x
ReplyDeleteoh sweet curls, so very happy for you and sad for you and there right with you too. what a blessing, i'm sure if you and your husband know fundamentally that you love each other that this will shine through in the end. so very happy to be sharing this journey with you and so very very happy for you, just happy for you and i did shed a tear or two in reading this i'll have to admit! but only out of joy, sending loads of love xxx anne
ReplyDeleteCongratulations mama! i am so happy for the new little heart beating under yours.
ReplyDeletei totally get all the marriage junk. the last two months have been ell over here. it is just hard.
Wishing you many blessings with your pregnancy ... will be sending good wishes for you and your husband and the little pea.
ReplyDeleteso happy for you! dont for a minute feel guilty for being able to get pregnant with ease. we all carry different crosses in our lives and nobody should begrudge you something that goes well for you. try to stay positive, though i have no idea how pregnancy after (or+) grief feels, but i can't imagine that it's easy. also, what you and your husband are going through is just about what happened with T and i. after the initial shock and clinging to each other fades, you just go off in two different directions. hopefully, though, you will come back together. i read a lot about how women and men grieve differently and that helped me tremendously. most importantly, be easy on yourself, you have been through hell and are just trying to regain your footing. it will come, with time. love to you and congratulations to the highest degree :)
ReplyDeletexoxo so excited!
Wow, congrats! I am so, so happy for you. Please don't feel guilty for one second. It's hard for me to read about "normal" (for lack of a better word...) people's pregnancies, but those who have been through losing a child? Man, I LOVE reading about those! It gives me so much hope for myself. I can't wait to follow along and hopefully join you on your journey in a few months :)
ReplyDeleteAs for the marriage thing. I have noticed things getting harder for my husband and I too. For the first month or so after Stevie died, we were both so sad, we clung to each other. Now, he's at the point where he's obviously still sad, but he's able to go about his life without thinking about her all the time. I am not there yet. It's hard. Yesterday we were in the car and one of his friends from college he hadn't seen/talked to in a couple years called. When his friend asked him how he's been, my husband said, "really well actually!" I started crying in the car and couldn't believe he could say that. He explained that he doesn't feel like telling everyone his personal business, etc. But it still hurt and we still ended up fighting about it. This whole grief thing is just so complex and complicated and I hate it.
Sorry for the rambling. Congrats again!
Xo
First Congratulations!
ReplyDeleteI remember before we were ready to try again I couldn't read any pregnancy blogs & each announcement kicked me in the face as you say. I stopped reading peoples blogs who were expecting but didn't make a seperate blog.
I am now expecting & I also find it extremely hard to seperate the two. I just can't. I understand now & I don't think I will making a seperate blog either.
I also understand the guilt. That was one of my first feelings. We learned we were pregnant the month of our daughter's one year anniversary. We also lost her due to placental abruption. We had her memorial service coming up & I somehow felt guilty I was pregnant. It passed eventually as my mind & heart sorted out all these new feelings. You will too. This pregnancy after loss road is not easy but thanks to this community I am still sane.
I also agree with Lis above..after we clung to each other we seperated & dealt completely different. We gave each other understanding to do it our own way & he never questioned any of the things I just needed to do in memory of our daughter. Everyone deals so differently. I wish you & your husband strength to come together again.
So happy for you.
You're paving the way for me and giving me hope that I'll be on the bandwagon too one of these days too. I'm so sorry that the grief has been harsh lately. I'll keep your marriage in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteOh by the way it's horrible how grief effects everything. The other day my husband and I fought about sourcream and it hurt more than any fight we've ever had, obviously it went way deeper that sourcream. Hugs
ReplyDeleteThat bandwagon. Hooray for being on it! Too bad it is such a scary ride.
ReplyDeleteIt keeps circling our block waiting until we are ready to jump on, but we have some surgery to do first ;-) I also have (knock wood) got pregnant really easily in the past.
and... fwiw... we are in couple's counseling too. Don't know if it's the kind of thing you might do, but it is worth every penny to me.
I am so excited for you!! Don't feel bad about being able to get pregnant easily. I am someone who suffers from infertility and I think it is wonderful that you are able to. I am so happy to read your news!! Regarding grief, it tends to sneak up on us at all different times and hits us in different places. Thinking of you and Lyra. xo
ReplyDeleteeven regular 'life' stuff is so hard on relationships... I can only imagine the havoc grief can wreak - since we all process it so differently.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you and hoping that your beacon of light can dispel shadows of guilt.
I'm glad you are going to be still sharing your journey here - the ups, downs, grief and joy.
Congratulations, I'm so happy for you. Pregnancy after a loss is...nerve racking, but you deserve a little happiness. I'm hopeful you'll get your rainbow baby.
ReplyDeletexo
Congratulations on your new little one!
ReplyDeleteI hope that these next few months are gentle and healing for you all in regards.
Jaime
xo
PS When is your EDD? It looks as though we may be about a week or so apart! ;)
Congratulations Rachel! I was definitely not expecting to hear that in this post, but I am so happy and hopeful for you. I know everything is a big "if" right now. Hang in there...one day at a time. That's what I keep saying to myself too. :)
ReplyDeleteI get it all ~ every word you said. I especially understand and experience the separation, the gulf between the one we love most and my grief path. It is a bitter pill to swallow.
ReplyDeleteOn another note~ congratulations on your pregnancy...we are now on the same bandwagon!
I'm a little late here, but congratulations! I know how scary it must be for you, but I hope for the very best, and agree with the one day at a time method. :)
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