I can't pick up new nausea meds for 3 more days, so I'm reduced back to the state of disaster I was before that lovely prescription. With it, I just feel like throwing up, and without it I literally throw up. A lot. I just had a nice 2am surprise. I was not this sick with Lyra. But even with that grumbling, I see it as an indication that something is still going as it should. Hopefully.
Unable to go back to sleep, I'm now rambling. Still not back into an art routine. Not even close. My energy levels have been so low, and my brain feels mushy and uncreative.
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On a mostly daily basis I still wonder why Lyra died. Why the abruption happened. Why my body failed not only myself, but my firstborn. I carried her with love, and did everything I was supposed to. But she still died. The abruption seemed to happen for no reason. No pain, no indication. No nothing. Just death.
How am I supposed to think this time will be different? I have this stupid notion that if we can make it til next week, I'll be able to breathe easier. But I won't. I have these milestones...make it to 12 weeks, then 20, then 30, and if we can pass Lyra's death week, then maybe we can bring this one home. I feel like I have to have increments of hope, or else I'll go mad.
I want a guarantee. I want the naive concept that when I announce to people that we'll be having a baby in early February, that I actually believe it. That there are no "if's" or "maybe's" or worried glances.
Yet, we still plan like we'll bring this one home. We've figured out where we'll put a little mini crib in our tiny apartment. And we were foolish enough to buy something for this little one already. Isn't that naivety on some level? Or maybe arrogance? That enough bad has happened to us, and surely it can't happen again?
The "logical" side of my brain screams this one will die too, while it battles with the hopeful side of my brain that just hopes it will be different this time.
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I need to visit Lyra's grave again. I missed June because of how sick I was. A 2 hour round trip didn't sound so good earlier on with the instability of my stomach. Then I feel guilty because I haven't been there in a long while...To tend to the overgrowing grass and dirt that piles up. To bring "fresh" fake flowers and check on her tiger. I don't know that anyone else ever visits her. We know several people who live in that town, but I don't know if they visit. There's no counter like on a blog to show how many visitors she's had. For all I know, we're the only one's. And that thought makes me very sad. It's rather silly to think that others would be so concerned with it though. I mean, really. Memorial day, and maybe birthdays are the standard for obligatory attendance to a grave. I'm just sensitive because I'm the mom, and this is all I can do to "take care" of her.
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I know this blog has tanked. It was supposed to be mainly my art. Not so much rambling. I hope to get back up on the horse again here soon, so to speak.
Thank you for your continued encouragement and support. I've been reading everyone's blogs, but not commenting as much as of late. I lurk.
Ramble away if it helps. I have all these milestones as well but it's not really getting easier. The thing that helped was/is feeling movements. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI wish we could all have our naiviety back or a guarantee about this time.
Maddie x
Lurk away. You need to do what you need to do to survive this pregnancy. I wont lie, it is going to be tough. Filled with lots of "ifs" not "whens". I'm not sure there is any other way around it, especially when a loss is all you know.
ReplyDeleteI will be thinking of you so much, and hoping with everything I've got for the very best outcome.
You will bring this precious baby home.
xo
I am so with you right now. You make it to a "milestone," and then what? There's no free pass, no one waiting to provide safe passage. I think, the first time around for most of us, we worry about miscarriage--it's so much more common. "If I can just make it out of the first trimester . . ."
ReplyDeleteWell.
Hope is pretty much all we have, huh? Because statistics don't mean jack, especially when you've already BEEN a rotten one. But know that I'm hoping for you, remembering with you, and right there with you.
Hang in there, and ramble as needed.
hi Rachel,
ReplyDeleteI really don't think your blog has 'tanked'!
I guess I see the blog as being about your process toward living again. I don't think it needs to follow a set path or pattern!
I began following you because your art captivated me. I keep following whether you post art or not because I feel such appreciation for people who share honestly of themselves and their journey. I think your sharing is so valuable in this fakey fake world.
My heart goes out to you with your internal battle between hoping and fearing to hope.
I realise that it may not mean anything to you but I wanted to share my own personal belief (which I *don't* think of as empirical truth). I believe our loved ones can feel us loving and thinking about them no matter where we are, whether we visit their grave or not. I had a tree dedicated to my husband in an arboretum in lieu of a grave (because he didn't want one but loved the arboretum). I don't drive and am too sick to take the hours long public transit so I have visited there less than 5 times int he last 6 years... part of me does sometimes feel guilty and at the same time I KNOW he would understand, would know it is not a sign of me loving him any less.
My personal belief is that Lyra knows how much you love and cherish her, how much you miss her and grieve for her. I believe that a part of you is at her grave every time you think about it. (but I'm pretty flaky/kooky :)
Thank you for sharing so honestly and I hope nothing I wrote was offensive!
:-)
your blog has not tanked!
ReplyDeletei feel the same way when pregnant-like my brain is mushy an uncreative. am just SLOWLY getting back both energy and creativity and i am 23 weeks! it seems like in pregnancy not only your body must be 100% pregnant, but your mind too! lol
i really hope you get relief from your sickness- i had one pregnancy like that- terrible vomiting all day and night for 6 months- thank you Lucca!
Thank you so much for designing our letterhead even though you were not feeling well. We greatly appreciate you and your creative skills! When I cannot physically visit Lyra at the church, I go to the picture of her site and read the "Tiger Beside Her" poem,and I feel close to her. I already feel love for your new baby, too, & I pray that this new life will help to fill you with joy in the empty places. You all are much loved. Thanks again for helping us with our project. Love to you, V
ReplyDeleteI don't think you are rambling or naive at all. I love it when you share your art, I love it when you share your thoughts. It's good to anticipate the positive because that hope is what keeps us going. We recognize that reality is a mix of heartache and joy, and sometimes we need to focus mostly on the joy to stay alive.
ReplyDeleteWell, hope that you get your energy back soon. Ugh, what I wouldn't do for those magic little pills. How many perfectly good slices of pizza and tuna casserole have been wasted down the toilet. :)
No tankage. :)
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you in all of this - really putting the good, the back and the ugly out there. Know that there are so many of us out there pulling for you!
xoxo
Yeah, I think your blog should be here for when you need it, or want it. And it should never be an obligation. The nausea is just terrible. Sending you non-spinning vibes and lots of love.
ReplyDeleteI came here because of your artwork, but your writing is an art that you're good at too.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you can eventually have a peaceful pregnancy and enjoy every minute of it.
Yes, your blog has definitely not tanked. I like hearing your ramblings. :) I hope your sickness gets better. I'm right there with you. I keep wondering about everything. Everything I say about this pregnancy is an "if". I even mentioned to someone today, "assuming everything is ok..." Ugh. I have those milestones too, only mine are days. I'm constantly thinking to myself, well I got through today! Hang in there!! :)
ReplyDeleteI had a lot of nausea with both of my pregnancies. After having my second baby, I read that nausea is a sign of a strong baby implant. Praying for a smooth pregnancy and healthy baby!
ReplyDeletehi sweetheart your doing a great job, i'm sorry that you are feeling so sick, it will pass at least this is a known. its hard to have confidence i know but there is no reason that we can't arrogantly expect the best like everyone else does. i still go in those same timeframes as you even though i'm convincing myself all will be well, i think its just natural. i'm sure your little lyra comes down to meet you when you visit her, but the rest of the time she is off doing what she does. i'm sure she's not waiting there alone , sending loads of love, anne xxx
ReplyDeleteLike everyone has said, your blog has not tanked... and you are just being honest and doing what you need to do. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, it is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, we're here for you. xo