"That is one of the strangest side effects of the whole story. I am a thing worse than a cautionary tale: I am a horror story, an example of something terrible gone wrong when you least expect it, and for no good reason, a story to be kept from pregnant women, a story so grim and lessonless it's better not to think about at all."
Elizabeth McCracken in An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination (p.43)
FB continues to have announcements of births and pregnancy announcements. I have not put my news on there yet. I'm still waiting, "in case". I want to join in the mirth and joy and happy bubbles of "oohs and aahs." That's the normal thing to do. But I'm no longer normal. I may be pregnant again, but I still represent the nightmare of every pregnant woman.
Today is a yo-yo day. I feel like I want to start doing stuff for this new baby, but I'm waiting til tomorrow's appointment to make sure we're "in the clear". Up and down, up and down.
I totally get it. That line resonated with me from that book-as did pretty much the entire book. I have refused to put pregnancy-related FB updates up, but occasionally I'll post a link to my blog. That way, the people who actually "care" will know what's going on--the rest can wait for, well, whatever comes next.
ReplyDeleteOr doesn't--and they'll never be the wiser. Thinking of you and your appt tomorrow :)
praying for a great appointment tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, and sending positive thoughts for tomm's appointment.
ReplyDeleteI just came across your blog. I'm sorry for your loss. There were so many lines from her book that spoke right to the truth of the matter. Good luck with your appointment and I look forward to following your blog.
ReplyDeleteI have read that book several times. Was very important to me, and still is. My husband is even finally reading it now.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you before the appointment. I know what a mine field FB can be. I got off when Hope died and stayed off for 18 months. I have only just got back on, six or so months ago. Most of it still feels uneasy to me, even with a live child here to share with my "friends".
xo
lyra's tiger is really looking over her when you can't be there. what a sweet notion. and im glad they left him.
ReplyDeleteholding hope for you for tomorrow's appt. i was thinking today of telling everyone right away when im preg next time. telling them later than i should have really made no difference anyway. and i want to be able to celebrate each day that baby is alive and with me. everyone is different and i totally understand waiting. just one of the random topics i ruminate on a lot.
if you don't mind me asking, did you have a nursery ready for Lyra and if so, would you share pictures?
I get it too...I still feel that same way. I will pray that the yo-yo feelings slow down and that you find a happy medium. A place where the 'good news' feels safe to share. Thank you for sharing it with all of us!
ReplyDeleteThinking about you & hoping tomorrows appointment goes smoothly & only brings good news your way! I got that book last week & will start reading it when I finish the one I'm reading now, I've heard really good things about it.
ReplyDeleteI'd love to get together sometime, besides the photographer who did our pictures at the hospital I have not met any BLM's in person. You can e-mail me at rebecca.keunen@gmail.com to talk details. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way for tomorrow!
The quote has me wondering that maybe I should pick up the book. I will definitely be praying for you tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteYoyo is right... I can relate!
ReplyDeleteWith every other pregnancy we had told almost everyone by 6 weeks as we thought in case something happens at least people will know and we can then turn to them for support. This time around we were so hesitant. We told close family at 3w5d! and our close friends at 6 weeks but then we kind of stalled out afraid to tell anyone, afraid of losing another babe, afraid of making it all real.
Some days it still doesn't feel real. I don't think it will until I feel "Cinco" move or until s/he is in my arms.
Just another side effect of loss... ho hum.
Good luck tomorrow. xoxo
This is something I can perhaps relate to. The experience of recovery is illutibly tainted....like a stain on a favorite pair of blue jeans, every day a subtle reminder of what has gone wrong and what may again....and I find it difficult to express any essential honesty whatsoever about my recovery. I feel obligated to repeat the words "All is well, all is well" as if the mantra itself is enough to make it so. But it is not so, can never be so in the broadest sense. And so the challenge then becomes to live not according to experience but in spite of it, or in defiance of it......and even this defiance suffers from the taint. It smacks of self-mutilation.
ReplyDeleteEventually I hope to arrive at a place of fearlessness, wherein I can express my hopes and dreams as proper and native to the sequence of events....to live at home within my experience rather than in a constant state of combat against the unseen IT that haunts my waking moments and my nightmares and whispers, even on the best days, about the possibility of a new pain arising in my chest.
And so I take my fear outside of myself and objectify it and in doing so, rediscover something I had forgotten about myself —essential honesty— and find myself face to face with the sudden recognition that whatever happens, I can become myself again, or, better, that I will still be me.
good luck with tomorrows appointment curls! i can completely relate to not wanting to go public. i'm scared stiff to. i'm sure its also to do with harvey's memory, my age, my emotional state, blah blah blah. now that i'm beginning to show i feel like hiding in case strangers make comments! xxx anne
ReplyDelete