I'm a day late. The 18th of every month used to scream out at me...mocking me with yet another month without my daughter in my life. Eventually, and I don't know when exactly, I became lost to what day it was, even in regards to the 18th. Some days I'd be filling out some paper work or writing a check and realize it was the day...however many months out from the original day in December. Even if I wasn't aware of the immediate date, I'd find myself emotional to a small degree. When I came to see that it was the 18th, I'd wonder if I subconsciously was reacting to it still. Even if I didn't buy flowers for the house to remember, or light a candle, but if I was upset or more irritable then on some level I was still reacting and remembering.
Yesterday marked 16 months since Lyra died. I only remembered later in the day as I was making dinner. But I don't feel so terribly guilty because everyday I remember her. There's a star by Simon's crib, and a star by the changing table. He often stares at the star by the changing table, and I tell him that was made to remember his sister. So she is here; her memory a strong part of our lives still. I just sometimes miss the time marker. Am I alone in this, or are there others of you who have done the same?
I'm wearing Simon right now, and he's fast asleep. I kiss the top of his head as many times as I can in a day, before he starts moving around too much for me to get some in. He'll be 3 months on May 1st and he's weighing in at 15lbs, and in 3-6 months clothing. Some of the best smiles he gives are from being sung to or just after waking up. I'm usually only up twice a night with him -he sometimes sleeps the first 4-5 hours in his crib, or else he's just in bed with us. He's really a pretty easy baby, and we feel lucky for that. We just love him and enjoy him so much and try to just enjoy every day with him.
I'm working on a piece to submit to the Exhale Magazine's Visual Arts Contest. Have you thought about what you could submit for the theme, "Seeing Within"?