I'm a day late. The 18th of every month used to scream out at me...mocking me with yet another month without my daughter in my life. Eventually, and I don't know when exactly, I became lost to what day it was, even in regards to the 18th. Some days I'd be filling out some paper work or writing a check and realize it was the day...however many months out from the original day in December. Even if I wasn't aware of the immediate date, I'd find myself emotional to a small degree. When I came to see that it was the 18th, I'd wonder if I subconsciously was reacting to it still. Even if I didn't buy flowers for the house to remember, or light a candle, but if I was upset or more irritable then on some level I was still reacting and remembering.
Yesterday marked 16 months since Lyra died. I only remembered later in the day as I was making dinner. But I don't feel so terribly guilty because everyday I remember her. There's a star by Simon's crib, and a star by the changing table. He often stares at the star by the changing table, and I tell him that was made to remember his sister. So she is here; her memory a strong part of our lives still. I just sometimes miss the time marker. Am I alone in this, or are there others of you who have done the same?
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I'm wearing Simon right now, and he's fast asleep. I kiss the top of his head as many times as I can in a day, before he starts moving around too much for me to get some in. He'll be 3 months on May 1st and he's weighing in at 15lbs, and in 3-6 months clothing. Some of the best smiles he gives are from being sung to or just after waking up. I'm usually only up twice a night with him -he sometimes sleeps the first 4-5 hours in his crib, or else he's just in bed with us. He's really a pretty easy baby, and we feel lucky for that. We just love him and enjoy him so much and try to just enjoy every day with him.
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I'm working on a piece to submit to the Exhale Magazine's Visual Arts Contest. Have you thought about what you could submit for the theme, "Seeing Within"?
i often lose track of the anniversaries, and feel guilty when i realize it. kenny's 1-year anniversary is coming up very soon.
ReplyDeleteIt was many, many months before I stopped dreading the 22nd. I'm 18 months out and sometimes I see it coming, most times it's filling out paperwork or writing something on the calendar when I realize it's the 22nd. At that point, I usually just stop and take a minute to remember my little man before continuing what I was doing.
ReplyDeleteI used to feel terrible guilt, but now not so much. Like you, I remember every day. That makes the passing of the 22nd easier to handle - he's not forgotten, but a part of my everyday life.
IF I could submit art for the theme "Seeing Within", it would show my "game face" with a shadow of what's really going on inside. Outside I'm smiling, talking, interacting...doing all a human should do. Inside, sometimes I still cry and rage, even when I'm smiling on the outside. No one see's beyond the game face...
Well, I am in a little different situation, as O's month birthdays are the same as Calla's--the 9th of every month. I knew they'd be the same when everything went down, and was worried it would be bittersweet. And it is.
ReplyDeleteBut, although I think of her all the time, every day, it helps to have a happy, smiling, living baby looking in my camera every 9th, and that helps me think of the day a little bit more positively.
I don't know. It's all so strange, still. Sounds like your big boy is doing great--good for you, mama :)
I too have had moments where I'm almost through the day and then suddenly it hits me, its the 27th...such and such months since she died. It's always such a smack in the face, but I do think it's normal and okay to begin to focus on other things in our lives besides these monthly anniversaries. As you said we still think of our daughters on a daily basis.
ReplyDeleteI love hearing you talk about Simon and how much you enjoy him. I cannot wait for the day to hold my rainbow and shower him or her with kisses! Sounds fantastic!
It was the 19th here yesterday (though probably still is where you are) and it didn't occur to me right away that it was her month anniversary. This probably started happening around the same time it did for you. After the year mark, after the second baby arrived. I know it doesn't mean they are forgotten though, far from it.
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I'm the same - I used to know it was coming and not forget for a minute. Sometimes now I do until later in the day or when I go to write the date down. Next Saturday (the 30th) is 18 months though and that's been playing on my mind. I try not to feel guilty because I do think about her every day regardless of the date but sometimes the distance makes her feel so far away and that hurts in a different way to the initial raw overwhelming pain in the beginning.
ReplyDeleteFor me it was every Thursday night. I would watch the clock all night Thursday reliving what I was doing at that moment up until the clock changed to midnight Friday, the time she was born, and then I would go to sleep. It went away eventually and the realization some Thursday nights was like a slap in the face... how could I not be recounting?! But like you and all of the other ladies here have said, I think of her every day so it lessens the guilt.
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On the Simon front... 15lbs!! Way to grow little buddy! I love that he looks at Lyra's star on the wall. Melt your heart goodness!
x <3 o
I'm glad that Simon is growing so well and I think it is positively wonderful that you put up stars in memory of Lyra. Waking up to the 3rd is like waking up to the barrell of a shotgun. I suppose it will pass after the year mark and not feel like such a kick to the gut. I hope so anyways. Love to you mama~
ReplyDeletei'm pretty much completely unaware of what date it is since dot came along rach, i still think of harvey every day though xxx
ReplyDeleteI find myself emotional around the 4th, even when I don't consciously remember what day it is. There must be something about those monthly anniversaries.
ReplyDeleteMy situation is a bit different...When I lost Nara, I still had her 1 1/2 year old brother and her 12 year old brother to tend to. The business of tending to kids and trying to seem ok for them can sometimes be so overwhelming...and I daydream about being able to focus more on my Nara. I wonder how I would have fit tending to her into our busy lives. But I know, I know having no children to tend to would give way toooo much time to think. I worry my thinking will undo me still, but if I had even more time to think...I know it would somehow be worse yet. The busy-ness of Motherhood is a blessing, dear Momma. Lyra shines down on you and smiles to see you finally getting to hear the coos and smell the poos and have that tiny heartbeat against your heart. She knows and God knows you think of her all day long as you watch Simon grow and thrive and are in complete awe of him. It is good.
ReplyDeleteI have just found your blog, and this particular entry has me crying. Today is my son's 7 month birthday. I anticipate it every month. I feel like the 10th and the 12th of every month for the rest of my life will be held exclusively for him.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how I'll feel in a year, but right now...today...they are markers of his life that I can't ignore.