I sometimes wonder when this depressed funk will dissolve into something more philosophical and wise. I feel like I'm just whining and sad. I know I've said this in a conversation with another babylost mama, but if I'm repeating myself here, forgive me. I'm not hopeless, but I'm not overly hopeful either. At least not hopeful on the "getting over it" front. I don't see how it's possible to feel less pain when every day/event/holiday/family reunion/homecoming is another thing my daughter won't get to be a part of. I know it will change and be a different sort of pain - or at least that's what I'm told. I mentioned to my husband last night, "I'm sure this will get tiring, but how can I ignore the things that she would have been a part of?" I'm lucky enough to have married such a wonderful man, because he just reassured me and said we shouldn't forget those things. It's impossible to.
We are probably going to the town her grave is in after church. We'll leave some flowers and enjoy the nice weather.
So happy Easter to all of you out there. I have a question for you: What songs/artists are on your repeat list? They don't have to necessarily pertain to babyloss. The artists I'm listening to for my mood lately have been: Joanna Newsom, Eisley, and Sufjan Stevens.
I compulsively listen to Daisy May. Some Nick Drake and some Indigo Girls in the mix. Daisy May's songs aren't about babyloss, but certain lines or verses resonate with me and touch something very deep. They are also great to sing along to. Which is a bit safer then crying when you are driving a car.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I just Googled the three you listed. Quite nice. Sufjan is from Detroit, where I grew up. I will definitely be listening to more of these.
ReplyDeleteHappy Easter to you & Lyra. I've been listening to a lot of Pink lately.
ReplyDeleteThe first year of holiday's were really hard for us. REALLY hard. I cried for each one, thinking how Liam should have been here, doing this or that, or us doing this or that for him. The second year was hit or miss, depending on the holiday. Mother's day kicked my sad booty last year but Christmas last year was pretty alright. This year? Well, today was a really nice day for us. We are not over Liam, never will be. But over time the ability to carry on grows stronger.
ReplyDeleteAs far as music, I have not ever compiled a play list but we listened to "Emotionalism" by the Avett brothers alot. Another of their CDs touched us to, but that first one reaches right into our hearts.
I blast "Jane" by Jefferson Starship and shout along. I like it to be so loud that I can't hear my own voice screaming...the words aren't really pertinent to anything in my life or yours, but the guitar solo rocks, and let's admit it, shouting is carthatic for most anything that ails ya.
ReplyDeleteHorse Feathers are good. Wood Pigeon sounds like a cross between Sufjan and Elliott Smith to me. They are from Canada. One of my favorite songs is Short Trip Home by Edgar Meyer, I've always thought I would want it to be played at my funeral. The Dodos and Thao With The get Down Stay down are both fun. Fleet Foxes and Andrew Bird. Meursault from Scotland and Samamidon. Just a few.:)
ReplyDeleteOhhh, Rachel. I am just over two years into this mess of loss. Please know that you absolutely do not have to rush this. This? This is the rest of your life. It won't always be as raw. Grief is fatiguing. I still have days full of fatigue for what I think is no reason, but sweets, your body is processing it still. Please be kind to yourself. You literally have to take it day by day, hour by hour sometimes. There is no right or wrong way to feel.
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