Friday, October 22, 2010


Nothing much to report after the doctor's appointment yesterday...which in reality is good. Will have a follow-up sono in 4 weeks to see if the cysts have disappeared. Nothing else indicating a need to be concerned about d.s., and we won't be doing the amnio. We just continue to wait.

I'm getting bumped up to appointments every 2 weeks now as we get closer to week 30 of this pregnancy. Heard his little heartbeat...he kicked the doppler a couple of times. Glad he's helps my peace of mind.
And following up with having "peace of mind", I'm really struggling with feeling fearful about another placental abruption. Of not knowing again that something is wrong. I was with some friends last night and one of them got word about a family member having an emergency c-section. The baby was 4 lbs, and apparently his/her heart rate was dropping so they got him/her out ASAP and as far as I heard, is doing well. I'm glad for another tragedy avoided. I held it together, and thought of something else, but all the way home and as I was falling asleep, all I could think about was how that should have been us too. That we should have known...and gotten Lyra out. That ideally, instead of her being dead, and us fumbling around in this life now, that at 3.5 lbs she would have spent some time in the NICU, and then we would have brought her home. When do I stop replaying that last week over in my head? I'm not supposed to feel guilty, and that none of this was my fault. But my body still failed. It's all unexplained. There's no preventative measures to take that are any different than what we did the first time around. We're just tip toeing now, and hoping closer monitoring will be the difference if something goes wrong again.

Some days I'm tired of trying to be ok. Other days I'm tired of feeling sad. And I hope I'm not harming Simon with all this emotional roller coaster that is me. Poor little guy.
A big pick me up arrived today though: The Still Life 365 Traveling Journal!! So much beautiful work...I'm amazed at the talent, thoughtfulness, and beauty that each person has contributed to it. And I'm terribly excited about showing the gnome around town. I'll have some pictures to share later on :)


  1. This journey that you are on isn't easy and each day that goes by, you bring more joy into peoples' lives by writing here and interacting with them in person too. Don't feel guilty (easier said than done though, eh?) and know that as you go about your days, you are being the best mom to Lyra and to Simon.

  2. It is definitely not easy and I replay that last weekend in my head over and over. Hate it. I guess we can't help it if all we wanted to do was the best for our babies and in the end, there was nothing we could do. Glad to hear everything continues to go well. Hang in there. XO

  3. I am so with you. I know you know, rationally, that you did absolutely nothing wrong. This is an absolute truth. Why can't we accept it?

    I've been trying, at the advice of my therapist, to be "mindful," or to live only in the present moment. It's damn hard. Also, i keep telling myself that this is a different pregnancy, a new, different baby. Things won't necessarily go the same way. Most likely they won't . . .

    but then did I just jinx myself for thinking that, for writing it?!

    Anyway. I just want you to know you're not alone in your thoughts and feelings. You have my complete support--hang in there.

    Big hugs, xo

  4. I am glad Simon is doing well.
    Don't worry about your emotional roller-coasters, it is supposed to be healthy for babies in utero to experience that. That is how life is.... I know how all those flashbacks and memories can be when you are carrying a new life. It is not easy, but you are doing so beautifully (hugs))

  5. I'm so glad things are looking more positive. I agree with your decision not to do the amnio - too much risk and they can't change anything if it IS positive...which it likely is NOT. And by the off chance that he does have DS, resources and friends will rally around you and you will have all the information you need. My wish for you is peace. I wish your heart could be at peace.