Sunday, February 6, 2011

Random: Feeling

I have a live baby. And that's kinda weird.

It shouldn't be. Lots of people have live babies. But since Lyra died, I didn't trust it would actually happen for us again. Call it lack of faith, or optimism or good mojo.

And we worked so hard to keep Simon alive and well while I was pregnant. That was our entire mindset - was to just make it the next appointment with a heartbeat and as few issues as possible. Hoping death and bad luck would stay away this time.

We're one of the lucky ones. It did stay away. But we didn't fully engage ourselves in what the implications of bringing home a live baby were. Holy shit. He's here and we get to keep him!

I'm waiting to feel again though. These 5 days with Simon have been crazy awesome. Not easy by any means, but he just is simply wonderful. And I don't think I've let myself feel so I don't ruin it. Or maybe it's just the baby-moon that everyone talks about. I'm kinda just waiting to crash and burn emotionally...with the normal hormonal imbalance and newborn stresses that happen, along with the grief of what we've missed with Lyra. I'm sure you can look forward to a post about all that sometime...

But for now, I'm relishing the sweetness that is my son. I know it's not easy always...we're all at different life stages and grief stages, but thank you for welcoming him, and for your happiness for us. I've not commented lately, but am keeping up with all your posts.

Wishing everyone a bright moment of happiness this coming week.

12 comments:

  1. It's a strange feeling, that, "Oh my goodness, we REALLY get to keep him?!" feeling :) But it a wonderful one.

    Looking forward to keeping up with your adventures with Simon. I know you will find the balance between joy and grief, and Lyra will always have an equal place in your heart.

    Much love and good vibes!
    xo

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  2. lyra doesnt judge you on how much you love her or miss her by your level of grief and she must be happy for you to have simon in your life now and so much less of your focus on the grief she inadvertantly caused you to feel by leaving your arms, invision her smiling at you and L sending you peace while watching over her brother with love. this excerzize helped us with our children and made the dark hours more brightly.

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  3. Continue to relish it my friend. Meeting Simon was definitely my bright spot this week, he is amazing! He reminded me of how badly I really do want this baby. The joy you're experiencing with him is a tribute to Lyra and I know she is looking down on you three happy that you are cherishing these first fantastic memories together and remembering her in the midst of it all. So much love to you guys ((hugs))

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  4. All I can say is be gentle with yourselves over the coming days and weeks, stay in the moment and feel what you feel. It's an emotional roller coaster bringing home a live baby after all you've been through.
    Give that boy a big kiss from me. x

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  5. I can only imagine - the joy, the fear, the excitement, the sadness.... Sending strength and love to you guys!

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  6. Sending you love. It is just such an odd place of disbelief and joy. Sending you both a ton of love. xo

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  7. He is adorable!! Can't wait to meet him!! So happy that you got to bring him home too!!!!!!

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  8. Take every moment as it comes, and know that you are surrounded by so many other mammas who send you strength and light. He is beautiful, and I know that his sister is smiling at all of you with love and admiration.

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  9. I can relate so much! This was a lovely post.
    Thank you.
    xo

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  10. i am still reeling from having dorothy home. i can relate to not feeling too, in my case , i never thought i would have a baby that is the same as most other babies, now i have one and its a wonderous spin out xxx

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  11. Enjoy every moment with that baby :) You are right, it is not easy by any means, but it is so wonderful!

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  12. With, with, with you....it's not easy, there are lots of emotions, it's SO surreal and hard to believe, and yet...UH- MAZ- ING!

    And can I say, I think every baby is adorable, of course....but seriously, those cheeks of your boy are DELICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!! That picture is soooooo great!
    xoxo

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