Wednesday, March 30, 2011

3.30.11

Well, we are moving ahead in our remodel of Simon's room. I've been working on the pictures for his room, and below are some sketchbook workings of what I think I'll do. He's got so many monkeys and frogs and land creatures on his outfits and toys, I thought I'd bring out some sea creatures for him to get used to. Just because we're land locked doesn't mean he can't know about the sea :)

L has been working hard on getting the walls ready to paint. He got the wallpaper torn off, which has been the easiest part since it was like vinyl. Next came scraping the glue off, which the following picture shows in it's clumped and gross looking form after being scraped off.

The next step we're on is finding any left behind patches of glue and smoothing everything out. Then I think we'll be ready to paint...hopefully this weekend or the following week. I'm working on a wall pattern as well...though I'm still in the brainstorming process right now.

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I wrote this to a friend the other day: "I do like being a mother. It's fairly inexplicable the emotions I have for him. They are so far expanded beyond what I felt for Lyra...just for the sheer fact that he's a continually changing child. She's forever a baby, a memory. He's learning and growing and now smiling. It's interesting and confusing how I feel about my two children." 

Some days it feels like she never existed. And I hate that. Like it was just a bad dream. And yet it's a relief too (which I also hate). Like there can be good days, and even some all in a row. And being happy to some degree. Being in a new house and the time Simon takes almost makes it possible to look normal again. ALMOST. And looking normal doesn't mean anything. Because ultimately I know I'm just compartmentalizing my feelings right now. I know I'm still broken. I know there is a part of me that can't believe I have a dead daughter. And angry that it is true. And as most any rainbow baby mama will write about, it sucks to know all that you missed out on with your dead child, while you watch your rainbow baby grow.

I keep singing the same song...Simon is a joy and I miss Lyra.

6 comments:

  1. Love the sketches, you are so incredibly talented my friend! The varied feelings you're experiencing sound understandable to me. If we make it out of this pregnancy with a healthy baby I imagine I'll feel much the same way thankful for the moments with the new baby, but filled with grief at all that was lost with Lily, such an impossible mixture of emotions! Love to you guys, can't wait to see pictures of the room once it's finished!

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  2. So lovely to hear that Simon is a joy and love the sketches for his wall... it's so understandable that you miss Lyra and may she be with you in heart and spirit as the good days multiply in number xoxo

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  3. I totally get where you are coming from with how you feel towards Lyra and Simon. There are some days where I still cannot belive this is my life. It amazes me that I can feel so sad yet be so happy at the same time.

    By the way, I love your sketches. Simon will love his new room. xo

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  4. It is interesting and confusing. That's the best way to put it. I look at my life and often think of Hope as something bad that happened to ME. Not that she was a person in her own right and that she lived a life, and she died. And that she could have been so amazing. But she died. Sometimes, I just get stuck in the pity party for me and the awful thing that happened to me. To ME.
    I wish I knew her like I knew Angus. I wish you knew Lyra like you knew Simon.
    xo

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  5. Love the sketches--it's going to be a great room to grow up in :)

    I hear you. Just last night, as I was listening to O perform his baby gobbledegook in his loud baby voice, I found myself wondering what Calla's voice would have been like. And I know I'll never know. BUt it's a strange place to exist. I mean, she's my child, why don't I know anything about her?

    I am with Sally. I feel somedays like I just need to go have my own little pity party about this thing that happened to ME.

    Sending hugs and love, and cheek smooshes to that cute little dude of yours :)
    xo

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  6. Simon is going to have a beautiful room. Aren't projects fun?

    And sending much love as you sing your song. It's your song and it will resonate with you as long as you are alive.

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