I look over the mess of files, trying to decipher the method to my madness.
I remember exactly what had come over me. “My daughter just died. Did we really just bury her?” How could this have happened without me knowing? My daughter just died.”
My freelance design project turned out to be due immediately after Christmas, just two weeks after we found out Lyra's heart stopped beating. There was no one else to do the project for me, so I just pushed through and got it done. The brochures turned out fine...great even. But it was all done in a haze with my heart barely beating.
And as I looked over my files to do some revisions on that brochure this past week, I realized how out of it I had been. I didn't do anything irresponsible in regards to my client's work, I just didn't do what I normally did in taking better notes, and being better organized. It just wasn't my normal method of operation.
Of course, we here in the BL community know that after your baby(s) die, there's no going back to “normal”. It's a new state of being that we exist in. And I was very much reminded of that as I worked on this project again. My brain sought out answers to questions that were popping up, and I just couldn't remember what I had done...why I had done certain things in a certain way.
But I do remember her sweet hands, and those perfect little feet of hers. And that the nurses said she had red hair. And that she was everything we'd been hoping for. And that I loved her so much.
I'm finishing up that project this week, establishing some better notes and files to work with in case there are future revisions. This time I have a little boy squealing and reminding me that he needs a nap.
But as memories of her hang in the air, it feels like he and Lyra are occupying the same moment together.