I write this post on the tail end of several other bloggers already having written about something similar. Of course I didn't mark who the blogger was, and my mind is crap and can't find the two posts that I am thinking of...please forgive me. I'd like to be sure and say that I'm not writing in response to those posts...I appreciated the dialogue and experience of the women who wrote. I'm writing this based on my own experience in real life, and not in the blogging world.
I'm broaching the topic of the different ways of mothering...mainly the narrow topic of being a stay at home mom (SAHM) and a working out of home mom (WOHM). (I say narrow because I know there are work at home moms, stay at home dads, etc.)
I know people who have chosen to work out of home because they want a career. I know people who have chosen to stay home because they desire that. I know people who would like to be home, but need the income, so have a career out of home. Each is a different avenue of mothering, but it is still that...care for their children. I respect each of those avenues, because I know each decision was not lightly made.
As I've mentioned in another post that I'm not bothering to find the link to, I feel looked down upon because I have chosen to be a SAHM. I'm not going to give reasons for why I think I'm right, or WOHM's are right, or the pros and cons of either of them, because honestly, I'm sure everyone has had their part in this discussion already. I merely wish for the respect back that I've given to others, with the decisions they've made in regards to their families. Respect for the fact that I relish every moment with my son since I don't get any with my daughter. Respect for the fact that L is glad for me to be at home with Simon. Respect for my decision, whether it's something that they would do or not.
And that's all I'll say about that topic.
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I hate being far away from Lyra's grave. I don't know if her tiger's are still there. I don't know if it's mowed, or if the grass has died, or the wind has blown her glass stars off. Simon has struggled so much in the car, that it's been hard to do just the basic travel we've done, without doing extra trips to see her plot. It feels the only way to mother her, and I've failed.
First of all, love the new look! Second, I am with you on the respect issue. I feel the same way about being a SAHM; I cringe when people say to me, "I don't know HOW you do it, I NEVER could!" The implication being, "I could never numb my mind like that, woman." Without getting too political, this to me is the crux of the feminist movement: women have been fighting for years for the CHOICE to stay at home or work or whatever--we are not failures or detriments to the cause because we make that choice.
ReplyDeleteAnyway. You're a great mother to both your children. The awesomest. Don't ever doubt that for a second.
xo
Wow, really could have written this myself, though I think in your country, you mamas experience far more discrimination than we do here in Australia. I know some look down their nose at me, but I don't experience that often. I have heard before, and I think from what I know I agree, that Americans live to work and Australians work to live.
ReplyDeleteJust want to agree with all Mary Beth has said above as well. We're not failures. We're all doing the best we can. You most certainly are.
xo
I agree with everything you've said about the SAHM vs. WAHM debate. I think women need to give each other more credit. I was a SAHM with Meadow for the first three years and Lennon with the first year of their lives and then I was forced to return to work. I hated being away from my babies, but I knew that I had to support them. Both are equal ways of mothering. With Holden I would have had no choice but to be a WAHM from the very beginning and I dreaded it. I was actually unsure if my sanity couldn't even withstand it. Now unfortunately I've learned that my sanity can withstand just about anything. Anyway, as far as being so far from Lyra's grave... I am unsure how far you are but we are about 45-60 minutes from Holden's and I experience the same feelings a lot. I hate even expressing this but we simply don't have the time or gas money to go as often as I'd like (which really is every day). So I understand and I feel like a failure as well. We would not have the time or gas money to do all the things we "should" as parents if he were here, so what is the difference?
ReplyDeleteLove the new look. It is beautiful. I couldn't agree more. I couldn't believe the kinds of things women said to me when I decided to stay home. As Mary Beth said, lots of people say, I don't know HOW you do it. Or I would go nuts. Or I need the intellectual stimulation. This is the decision that works best for our family, and honestly, I love being with my children all day. I find them fascinating and intellectually challenging. What is that Einstein quote, "If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it." My intellectual challenges come from making complicated concepts easy for them to understand, so I have to really understand it myself. Like compassion. Difficult to teach children. I spend my days figuring out that stuff. Anyway, sending you love. xo
ReplyDeleteBefore my husband and I had kids, my dream was to become a veterinarian. I'd have an office wing built next to my house so I could work from home, but the hubby would be a stay at home dad. And that dream flew out the window after Collin died, and after Cooper I realized that wasn't my dream at all. I realized I wanted to spend every moment raising my child and relishing in being with them, and losing Collin only made me more grateful for the time I have with Cooper. I wish I could be a SAHM but we can't afford it financially. My husband wishes he didn't have to put me in the position to have to work. I know some moms out there just need to work so they can be adults and have adult time, but I lost that desire when I lost Collin. I'm very jealous of SAHMs. Maybe one day I'll get to join the club too.
ReplyDeleteDon't ever feel like you've failed mothering Lyra. She knows you're a great mom and you're doing a wonderful job raising her little brother.
xo
Love, love, love the new look!!! I couldn't agree more I wish women would just respect each other more and agree that different avenues of parenting are right for different people and that each of them is okay.
ReplyDeleteAnd in terms of mothering Lyra, you do that every day as you carry her in your heart, mind, and soul and she knows that on a deeper level than anyone could imagine. Love to you my friend ((hugs))
Looking through this narrow lens or a wider one, there are a lot of ways we could all support each other (and be less judgmental) of each other.
ReplyDeleteI fall outside your two categories. I'm a work at home mom. I've been working at home as a freelance writer and editor since 2000 and have always loved the way it allowed me to fit my work around my life instead of the other way around. I wasn't naive about the fact that trying to concentrate (or have a conference call) with kids running around wasn't going to work, but I thought my work would give me the flexibility to be there for my kids and work (necessary for us, at least for now). It does and it doesn't. I am much better at being a mom when I'm not waiting for everyone to go to sleep so I can be an editor. I'm more focused and less irritable. I feel more balanced and like a better mom. We're trying to figure out the best solution for our family right now. Haven't done it yet.
By remembering and talking about Lyra, you mother her. Don't worry about the grave.
I would love to be a SAHM. As a teacher I treasure the weeks during the year and the months in the summer when I can be with my daughter. I HATE working and being away from her. Heck, I just hate working and I find being at home with her so much less stressful. It is definitely what I would do in a perfect world.
ReplyDeleteI think when people say the things mentioned above they are doing so out of guilt. They are trying to justify their own choice by belittling yours. It is an attack (though they probably don't realize they are making it) born out of their own insecurities as a mother. WOHM get a lot of judgment from SAHMs and parenting manuals too. They feel judged and found lacking ( at least I have). I'm not trying to excuse their behavior, just explain it some. Obviously they need to own their choice and not feel threatened by what others think of their priorities but I also recognize it can be hard.