Three years of memory is coming up this December. As I helped a friend in town remember her son on the anniversary of the day he died, it snuck up on me that it's never really easier. It feels that way some days, or weeks. But when it comes down to the fiber of our being, to the beating of our hearts, and the memory of those little feet and hands and lips and hair...it's never easier.
I spoke with a good friend recently, and they've experienced their own grief journey for several years now. They said something to the effect of: "I came to the conclusion that I couldn't be everything. I can choose to be a good at some things. So I chose to be a good parent above all else. And the rest of it, I'm okay with being shit at." And it struck me as brilliant.
I want to be everything to everyone and everything. Perfect parent. Perfect griever. Perfect community member. Perfect artist. Perfect religious model. Perfect daughter. Perfect wife. I care too much again, and am stretching myself thin. I need to come to an understanding with myself, that I can be okay with being shit at some of that stuff. Pick the most important things, and don't sweat the rest of it. Don't fear imperfection.
I'm excited for this holiday season. I always love the cold and the scarves and lights and trees and presents for others. Simon will be two in two months, and he's at just the right age to be really excited this time around. But there's the big lump in my throat knowing it's another year come and gone without her. You know the drill by now.
Wishing everyone time to contemplate the end of another year, and time with family, and beauty in the dark shadows too. <3 p="p">
This is so beautiful. I love what your friend said. I'm okay being shit at some things too, but I'm just realizing that too. I love what you said about wanting to be...I have this book called the Spirituality of Imperfection, and it is such a beautiful meditation about imperfection.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny how our girls; birthdays are so close together, so close to Christmas, and how much we both love the holidays and the cold. I feel so close to her at this time, even though it entails grief and sadness and massive loss. The weather, the world, matches my mood, finally. Remembering your Lyra with you. With love and deep friendship. xo
Just yesterday I was thinking of Lyra and I caught myself when I realized it was almost 3 years. Definitely been thinking of you all lately. May you embrace this idea that you don't have to be perfect at everything and those that expect you to be aren't worth wasting your emotional energy on. Real people need people to be real with them. Blessings and love you.
ReplyDeleteYou guys have been on my mind a lot this past week as I know Lyra's day is approaching. Will be thinking of you all and remembering her with you.
ReplyDeleteI love what you said about not being perfect at everything, you know I'm so awful at this as well. I care far too much about making others happy, trying to control everything and being perfect at all things and you're absolutely right it's exhausting!
That time of year for me too. Three years. I don't know how it's gone. And how could Two of those be full of Luke???? I have definitely come to acceptance of "Good Enough is Good enough" and it's my mantra for most days because i don't have the energy or heart to be better than that.
ReplyDeleteExcept with Luke. And he seems pretty happy, so that's good enough for me.
Sending you love!
I needed this today, thank you xo
ReplyDeleteI keep relearning to let go and shed the things I think I need to do. I think this is my way of choosing to be good at some things and not so good at others. I'm not quite sure I'm able to let go enough to be shit at somethings.
ReplyDeleteA virtual hug and candle in the darkness for you in this season of shadow and light, joy and sorrow.
That is such a hard lesson. To not wear ourselves down for the impossible mission of "perfect". What is that anyway? Lately I"ve been repeating in my head "half assed is better than not at all." Not sure if that means letting go, but it seems a step in the right direction.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you as December creeps through. moments of peace. Moments of tears. Always love.
((((hugs)))