Got together with another BLM this morning. We've met up before, so we just fell into our thoughts and feelings together...sometimes teary, sometimes laughing at our jaded-ness. Though our experiences differ, and our paths aren't the same, there's still a connectedness which I am so thankful for; a camaraderie in this crazy, abnormal life we now lead.
And today is 14 weeks. I think little S.uh is growing. I have a bit of a bump now. I took a picture. And then looked back at my 14 week picture with Lyra. And just cried. Sometimes I just want her. And I'm not supposed to be here with this one. Lyra is supposed to be here. But it's just not how it is. I have this little one growing. And I'm happy. And still sad. Confusing, eh? (and fearful that voicing all that somehow jinxes everything)
One paragraph is happy. The other dreary and sad. Such are my emotions nowadays. I blame hormones. And having a dead baby.
It's hard. I feel guilty sometimes when I cry about Matilda and wish she was here because then this baby wouldn't be.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
Maddie x
Completely normal to have all those feelings I'd say...glad you guys had a good time, we are going to have to plan a get together!
ReplyDeleteI'm not pregnant yet, so I can only imagine all of the crazy emotions. I go back and forth even now with 'I just want to be pregnant with Oliver! Not having to start all over with a different baby.' I think they are completely normal feelings.
ReplyDelete((hugs)) the roller-coaster of emotions can be such a killer.
ReplyDeleteI am sending you a big (optional) hug.
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine what a roller coaster you are on with this confusing jumble of conflicting emotions. My heart goes out to you!
♥♥♥
So hard, the whole, this baby wouldn't even exist if my other had lived. I've been there once and it was rough. I'm on the fence now, of whether I want to be there soon again or not. Pregnancy after loss is so emotional. Wishing you much peace through all of this.
ReplyDeleteOh, I understand completely!
ReplyDeleteToday I am 16 weeks pregnant. Claire died at 16 weeks gestation (we didn't find out until 17 weeks when she was born). I am a bit of a mess... happy to be this far again and also sad, angry, resentful and everything in between that I am this far AGAIN.
Messy, messy me!
xo