Saturday, February 12, 2011

Random: Birth

I'm writing this rather quickly, in between feedings, so it may be disjointed due to the rush. I did want to get a bit of his birth story out, and some of my thoughts so far.

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A blizzard was settling into the region as we drove to the hospital early that Tuesday morning. No snow had stuck yet, but it was swirling with the feisty wind and knew it was forecasted to get worse. I was just anxious to get this induction started, and happy at the thought that our son might be born while it was snowing.

We arrived, and everything was ready for us. We were ready. The standard hospital gown was donned and IV's inserted, along with the million questions that are repeatedly answered even though the previous nurse/doctor/intern/student just asked all the same questions. We knew the drill. We just hoped this time turned out differently.

The nurses and doctors didn't minimize our previous birth experience, except for one anesthesiologist resident who loudly answered for me that this was our first child after the "is this your first?" question was asked (despite knowing about our stillbirth). I wanted to ask her what my previous epidural was given for then? A non-child? A mass of cells that just happened to be perfectly formed and all around healthy except for the failure of my placenta? I ignored her though and kept my brain focused on hopefulness.

All went well. I didn't dilate as quickly as everyone expected after given the pitocin. It was only after they broke my water that I went from 5cm to 10cm in one hour and gave three sets of pushes and he was there. It was rather quiet when he was born...he wasn't a screamer. I kept asking L if Simon was ok.

They cleaned him up and passed him off to us. He was here. And he was alive. And it was as if he had been a part of our family all along. Not that he was a new member, but he just fit in. It was normal for him to be here. Granted, we had/still have no clue what we're doing half the time and are learning so much. But he just is a part of us, and it shouldn't be any other way.

Except for his big sister. That should be different, and she should be here too. But it is what it is. We're glad for his little life, and yet miss what we should have had with her. I'm still holding off on "feeling". I'm not ready to unleash all the emotions yet. As so many other women have experienced, I need to figure out how to parent him, while still working through my grief for her.

Simon's already lived through two snow storms in the 11 days he's been with us. Today it's sunny and it's warming up for the weekend...it's all melting and giving everyone a sign of what to look forward to with spring. It's a sign of hope for growth and color and freshness. We experience that with Simon already, but know he will continue to grow and look forward to finding out more of his personality. And for my own growth...as a mom to a live child....as mom to a dead child....as a wife...as an artist. But ultimately I still can only take a day at a time. And for now, I'm enjoying the cuddles and faces that this little boy brings.


16 comments:

  1. A beautiful birth story with the perfect ending. I wish they all ended this way.
    I'm so glad Simon is safe and sound at home with you and that you are all getting to know one another and figure things out. I wish so much you had this and so much more with your Lyra.
    xo

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  2. Thank you for sharing how Simon came into this world. I'm sorry that you had an insensitive person attend to you; not understanding how you've given birth before. Much love and prayers as you navigate your journey with Simon and with Lyra too.

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  3. Wonderful to hear your little one's birth story.... hope his arrival brings you greater peace. Sounds like a very lucky bub to have been born into your arms :) xo

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  4. What a wonderful birth story. I'm glad you got the happy ending you deserved.
    I love the look on his face. Cooper had the same look on his face- like he's trying to figure out what the heck this world is all about. I think we try to do the same.

    xo

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  5. thank you Rach, a beautiful boy and a beautiful mom's birth story.

    all love

    xxoo

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  6. Fabulous story, beautiful boy :) He looks like an old soul in his eyes.

    xo

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  7. thank you so much for sharing this part of the story Rachel.

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  8. He is perfection! Did I miss his actual birth date? I am so glad that Simon is here and you shared him with us!

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  9. He's beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story with us. xx

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  10. What a cutie! So glad that this time, birth happened the way we all wish it would happen every time.

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  11. wonderful to read rachel i love that is was snowing, wonderful except the dumb anesthetist what an idiot. of course the perfect ending is the best bit, little simon has a beautiful sweet face xxx

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  12. Rachel.. Snow, peace... love and a baby (and a cute one too!) Glad you are getting bits of this out.. we know more to come.. and I am sure waves of emotion too..

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  13. so happy for you all... he is a darling. ♥

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  14. Simon is beautiful! So glad that the delivery went well :)

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  15. Thanks for sharing his birth story. It's important for me to read those with a good ending too. He's stinking cute, already so inquisitive, with an impending cheekyness...

    Boo to the "is this your first". Got the line of "wait till you give birth one day" and all I wanted to say "What.. because my son just evaporated out of my belly and was gone as soon as he died?" I mean, what do they think happened? *growl*

    Simon... storm-proved baby fighter. Welcome to the world. Sorry your big sister can't be by your side. But you can find her in your family's hearts.

    xoxo

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