I don't know when I noticed it. It's a gradual thing sometimes, like the tide going out. You're sitting there and you feel like you've been present and aware, but you look down and it's gone.
I'm tired of discovering nuances of grief...of baby death. There's the initial shock, the loss of self, loss of friends, difficulties of a pregnancy after loss, and then there's having a living child. And that in itself has created loss. Perhaps it's the natural direction of a community that is wrought with such varying degrees of emotion and grief, but I feel I've lost some of the community that I was a part of.
I still try to comment and follow and be present with many of you, but I look around, and my role in it has changed.
I understand it. I do, to the fullest extent. It's just hard. And it's just another step in this journey that I didn't necessarily foresee...though I'm not sure why. Time allotments changed with a rainbow baby, less time to comment and blog, and attempting to rebuild this life of ours.
Those in similar situations draw together. I moved passed some with Simon being born, never to really be able to sit or have them be comfortable with me being with them in a similar grief again.
I think I just looked around and noticed things had changed again. So, I move forward with adjusting to change, as we are to do in this life anyway. I have so much to be thankful for in this community and how much it has contributed, and still continues to contribute, to a healthier grief journey for me.
This brings up questions about this blog, and how or if it fits in this community. I will continue to write about Lyra and my grief. But I will also write about Simon. And art. And other things in our lives. I definitely don't see myself as a mommy blog. I don't know if it is fully a grief blog anymore either. I don't know what it is. I thought I'd do the "themed" days, such as Wordless Wednesday and what not, which is all good and fine for ideas, but it felt too pressured for me. I felt guilty if I didn't "produce" for the masses.
This is really just a meandering ramble that I've had in my head for a few weeks now. I wish you all much peace and strength as this week finishes out.