Thursday, September 8, 2011

Tides of loss

I don't know when I noticed it. It's a gradual thing sometimes, like the tide going out. You're sitting there and you feel like you've been present and aware, but you look down and it's gone.

I'm tired of discovering nuances of grief...of baby death. There's the initial shock, the loss of self, loss of friends, difficulties of a pregnancy after loss, and then there's having a living child. And that in itself has created loss. Perhaps it's the natural direction of a community that is wrought with such varying degrees of emotion and grief, but I feel I've lost some of the community that I was a part of.

I still try to comment and follow and be present with many of you, but I look around, and my role in it has changed.

I understand it. I do, to the fullest extent. It's just hard. And it's just another step in this journey that I didn't necessarily foresee...though I'm not sure why. Time allotments changed with a rainbow baby, less time to comment and blog, and attempting to rebuild this life of ours.

Those in similar situations draw together. I moved passed some with Simon being born, never to really be able to sit or have them be comfortable with me being with them in a similar grief again.

I think I just looked around and noticed things had changed again. So, I move forward with adjusting to change, as we are to do in this life anyway. I have so much to be thankful for in this community and how much it has contributed, and still continues to contribute, to a healthier grief journey for me.

This brings up questions about this blog, and how or if it fits in this community. I will continue to write about Lyra and my grief. But I will also write about Simon. And art. And other things in our lives. I definitely don't see myself as a mommy blog. I don't know if it is fully a grief blog anymore either. I don't know what it is. I thought I'd do the "themed" days, such as Wordless Wednesday and what not, which is all good and fine for ideas, but it felt too pressured for me. I felt guilty if I didn't "produce" for the masses.

This is really just a meandering ramble that I've had in my head for a few weeks now. I wish you all much peace and strength as this week finishes out.

14 comments:

  1. I've been mulling this over in my head for a while too, which for me is funny because I didn't start my blog until I had K and had already survived that first awful year. I meant to be able to write about other stuff, but sometimes that stuff, though important to me, felt out of place, and I've been struggling with how much I want to write about my girls online for safety and their privacy . . . I haven't quite sorted that out, but I think I'm starting to evolve what I write about as where I am changes. Some of it still kind of obviously ties back to Henry and grief, some of it less obviously and some not at all. I have toyed with the idea of a new space, but I don't know what I'll do. Maybe I've found myself coming back here because we're kind of in that same space, though a different one than the place that got us started.

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  2. I understand exactly. These rainbow babies are amazing, but it seems more complicated now.

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  3. Beautifully written, I've felt very similar myself as of late! Sending strength and love your way as well my amazing friend ((hugs))

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  4. I've been thinking about this, too. It's easier for me, I think - my blog is about loss and infertility. Now that I finally have my rainbow baby, I plan to wrap up the loose ends and then end the blog.

    I've enjoyed reading your blog and especially seeing some of the amazing artwork you've done. No matter what you decide to do with the blog, I'm sure your creativity will continue to be a positive influence on many.

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  5. I think about this quite a bit, too. It feels showy to write about E and O, frankly. But I feel like I'm repeating myself over and over when I write about Calla, too. It's thorny, I guess.

    All this blahbitty blah is to say I think you should keep writing as you can--it's crazy how your time just dwindles to nearly nothing with those little babes, right?!--because I, for one, love seeing your blog pop up in my Reader :)
    xo

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  6. Another one here who thinks about all this too. I had my blog before Florence, and I've always had a mixture of readers, but it's complicated, kinda like life.

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  7. I have been trying to find the words to write this exact same post. I look at my blog and for the last couple of months it seems as thought I only post about once a week, if that... and once a month it is about Lucy's growth and I agree with Mary Beth about feeling "showy" for writing about her. What would a newly bereaved mother or father think seeing the last 50 entries in my blog? I feel sometimes as though my blog won't help anyone new unless they go back to the very beginning and see the overly sad/depressing/angry/hurt posts... but who ever goes back to the start?

    Maybe it's time to put the blog to an end? Or move it? All I have to say is the very same thing over and over... there will never really be anything new to add because there will never be any new memories to share (with the exception of anniversary days/events?.

    Ugh. Right there with you, Rachel!

    x <3 o

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  8. It is really complicated. I am confused about it every day. I have three blogs, but my life is just one life, and in the end, I'd like to just be present with all my pieces in one blog. It is confusing. I love your blog and the mix of posts you share with us--from the art, to the design, to Simon and Lyra, both. I hope you stay here and feel comfortable. I think there is enough of us with a whole conglomeration of things we write about that somehow we are normalizing each other's blogs of many colors. Love to you all. xo

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  9. I see it as a 'you' blog. you're a mommy, an artist, a person who has grief, a person who has a life that includes things not related to those others (though always effected by them).
    I see blogs as a place for us to share ourselves. I belief that it's stressful to feel like we have to meet readers expectations, or post a certain type of thing with a certain frequency.
    I can't speak for others but a big part of why I read your blog is because it's 'real'. you share in a genuine way and so I'm interested to read whatever it is that you share. sometimes you share things that I feel no connection to. and that's fine! I still appreciate your honest sharing. I can read the post... or not. you have zero obligation to figure out what I want to read! that's up to me :)

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  10. Yep, me too. I think because of what Angie said, I just keep the one blog. Because this is all just one life. But like what Mary Beth said, it feels showy to write about my living kids, because my blog was started for Hope in the wake of her death, when there were no living kids.
    I get this post, I really do. And I spend too much time thinking about it as well.
    I guess, it just is what it is.
    xo

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  11. Yes! Yes! Yes!!!!! I just wrote about something similar to this the other day...this place I'm at...where I don't feel the need to have to justify every action (namely loving every second of Luke and having a form of happiness that I've only dreamed of--while having the ache that never goes away and having to navigate through both of those!)...anyway, like I said--I don't feel the need to justify like I used to--although I sort of do, still, I guess. In any event, I'm definitely tired of feeling guilty for my feelings. Even though I don't necessarily know what they are sometimes, I don't want to feel guilty for them. And that just puts me somewhere different than it has in a long time. I am just thankful that my blog was started way before I ever even dreamed Matthew could exist, much less Luke, so it's easier for me to write about every day. Who I am and how I feel and not having to tie it in with any specific purpose/subject/topic, etc. Just how I'm feeling and who I am and that's ok with me for now. I agree with what others have written. I appreciate your open and honest sharing of day to day life...and look forward to whatever you feel like sharing! xoxo

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  12. I don't have a rainbow baby and I have similar thoughts. Wondering where my blog will go. Am I confusing the heck out of people because I switch from grief to art to traveling to dating and back again? I don't know... but that's my life. And it's healing to read that so many other feel the same - even though they might be at a totally different point in life.

    I like to come here for YOU, live baby or not. So keep on writing / painting / rambling whatever you want... I'll be here. :)
    xo

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  13. I love reading your thoughts on life and grief and whatever you feel like writing about. Write when you feel like it, when you have time about what is on your heart that day. And I will read it and be blessed.

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  14. This post really spoke to me. My blog began as a miscarriage/infertility blog, and while I am passionate about advocating for the ALI community, I'm finding my focus is kinda all over the place.

    I really like this: "So I move forward, adjusting to change, as we are to do in this life anyway."

    I look forward to reading how your blog will progress. I like your writing a lot.

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