Monday, March 5, 2012


What is this blog for now?

What purpose does it serve?

Where do I fit in the BLM community, or do I?


I ask these questions because I'm not sure what to do with this space. I feel more isolated from the BLM community, now that I have less time to blog and comment. I'm not doing research, or actively participating in events, or really much of anything related to stillbirth, miscarriage or infant loss. I don't feel very connected to many of the friends I had originally made here in blog land. And if I'm being honest, I'm not doing much to befriend new bloggers.

I don't necessarily want to be a mommy blog, though that's probably more what I've been doing as of late. I don't do tutorials, or have many projects or art pieces to show either.


I'll be deciding soon what I'm doing here. If I stay, or if I go. I don't fit neatly, in any specific area of the blogging community anymore. I don't want to bail on the BLM I don't know where I'd head to. But I feel like I'm not relevant or contributing to it anymore.

I feel I'm losing my identity and my community in some ways. For two years I was an obvious BLM. Then we moved. And here, I'm the mom to Simon. I have less time to contribute to my blogging, and to this online community. But I still don't fit neatly into a "normal" box. And I'm not sure that if I did a journal type of blog, that it would be much to follow.


What I do want is to still feel connected. I'm on most of the main social media sites. I'm more consistently on those, which connects me to some of you through a more daily or "real life" scenario. Email me if you want to find me to add me.

I welcome your thoughts.


  1. I know what you mean. (I read your blog usually though I can't even remember when the last time I commented.) It's definitely different, being in a world where you aren't really a regular mom (because you've had a loss and know that Babies Die) but you aren't really "just" a BLM anymore either. I find that I fit in best with other "rainbow" parents. But it is weird.

  2. I feel somewhat similarly. My blog is a big muddle, and I'm not certain where I fit in at all.
    That probably doesn't help you much, but I thought I'd chime in anyway. x

  3. Life changes ...
    I've been thinking about my blogs too and how they have changed over the years. I've been babylost for over 4 years and over that time my blog space changed. At first my posts were raw and emotionally driven. I HAD to write. I HAD to release the words. As long as I was unsettled emotionally (and I was for 4 years) I had reason to write, although the intensity with with I wrote diminished.
    My art blog has changed alot too. The year I started it I was emotionally unsettled and needed a project and outlet to focus on. It was amazing. Now, well, my art blog struggles to find it's way. I post an occasional craft on it but it is not what it used to be.
    I don't know where my blogs will be in the coming weeks and months. If Seamus survives I doubt there will be much posting. I don't want to think about the other possibility right now.
    I don't read or comment as I used to either. After 4 years I've connected to those BLM I remain close to and do not actively search out others. It is not where I am at in my grief or healing.
    I'm glad you and I are connected on some other social media because I do not want to lose touch.
    Do what feels right for you. I don't even know if you have to make a decision really. Maybe keep this space for when you feel like posting ...

  4. I have been feeling the same way too, Rachel. Although I just redid my blog for a couple of reasons:

    1) I can't quite let go! It's my piece of Claire that keeps on. For as little as I do write now, it is still for her/about her.

    2) iWeb will no longer be around in a couple of months so it gave me the push to copy/paste all 350something posts over to Blogger, which I have been wanting to do for some time now as I would eventually like to get my blog printed into a book to have as a keepsake.

    3) I have added pages to help guide others (the new loss parents). When I lost Claire there was absolutely NO support for me in my hometown and so I felt the need to do something, however small, for others. I have connected to quite a few local women, some BLMs and others who are family and friends looking to support someone who have lost. And this is what also keeps me going.

    Wow, every time I come here you get my wheels turning and make me write more than I usually do on my own blog! You are my therapy! ;)

    I selfishly think you should stay. And as far as what should this space be? Exactly what it is... you being you... Lyra, Simon, art, and the every day fabulous you!

    x <3 o

  5. I agree with Jaime. I selfishly would love for you to stay, although I know I can keep up with you on Facebook too. No matter what, there are many of us who are still here and ready to read your story. But if you decide to go, I will support that decision too. Sending lots of love, Rachel. <3

  6. Oh, I hear you. I still come and go with my blog. Post frequently for a bit, then take a break (or rather, just don't have time). I'd love for you to stay in this space, somehow, some way. I've enjoyed reading what you share. But as others have said, you've gotta do what you need to do and I support whatever that is.

  7. I so understand you; hence the reason why my posts are so sporadic and why I never comment anymore. If there is a mom to rainbow babies community, that is where we belong, I think.

  8. I think every blogger struggles with this at some point or another, no matter her original niche. It's OK to reinvent yourself; it's OK to branch out. Go for it, do what feels comfortable, & write for YOU, not for us.

  9. As evidenced by my late comment, me too to lots of what you're writing and feeling. I'm in a similar boat and it feels traitorous to me to abandon my blog but feel disingenuous to go back there sometimes.

    Oy. I like hearing from you, though :)

  10. i'm still here reading, though it's usually through playing catch-up after neglecting my subscriptions for up to weeks at a time, which is why i don't comment as often as i used to. i think it's fine to continue as is... exactly what Jaime said -- you, your art, Lyra, Simon.

    it seems like what tends to happen is we create our own smaller communities within the larger BLM communities, and the ones we connect with early on continue to be a part of our circle. i watched a lot of BLMs continue on to become Rainbow mommies, and some blogs have been transformed into that.

    i have separate lists in my subs for rainbows, blms, and ttc/infertility. we all just find ourselves branching off onto separate paths or moving at different paces. it's hard to continue reaching out to new members, because, sadly, this community just keeps growing.

  11. I feel the same way. I read your blog, every post. ( I would comment every time, but my phone is so annoying to write comments on.) It is funny. I don't feel like I fit anywhere neatly. I don't exactly feel comfortable in the ALI community. I don't have trouble conceiving, but I lost a child at 38 weeks. I am an artist, but I do art about loss and ttc, so I don't know if I fit into the art community neatly. Or anywhere.

    It is funny, because I look at your commenters--you, Jeanette, Amy, Crystal, Sally, and probably the rest of everyone--I feel like we are this weird community within a community. I think of you as friends, kindred creative spirits and also lost souls in a community of lost souls. And then I think on the larger scale and I think so why do we have to fit in anywhere if we fit with each other? It just feels good to fit in, I suppose. What I am trying to say is I struggle too with where I fit in, and also I just keep doing my thing and hope that like-minded people find me.

    Tonight, I am just catching up on blogs and saw the whole thing over at Mel's blog. I just don't even have an opinion about it. I understand. Both points of view. I feel like I want to write about just parenting, but every time I try to write, it comes back to grief and death and loss. And when I write about grief, it comes back to parenting and gratitude. My main concern, and I think this is where the idea of a separate community of parenting after loss comes in is that I don't want to alienate people who come to my blog because their child just died and find me waxing gratitude about my living children. I don't know what I am saying anymore, but I will miss you if you stop blogging. And grateful for your friendship, so grateful.

  12. I dont comment, read, participate like I used to either. I even thought of not blogging anymore but decided to keep my space open for whenever I do feel like posting. It's nice to know it's always there in case I need it plus it's a place that honors her.

  13. Can't say it better than everyone else already has. I love Angie's summary.

    'I feel like I want to write about just parenting, but every time I try to write, it comes back to grief and death and loss. And when I write about grief, it comes back to parenting and gratitude. '

    I've always felt as though I have never been a good 'fit' in the BLM community. Having a surviving twin means that you are a new BLM and a new mother simultaneously and run the risk of upsetting and alienating nearly everyone! I know it's tough. Sigh. I suppose I'm still here, after such a long time, because I can't quite squeeze myself into that 'normal' box either.

    I would miss you if you go, I know that I'm not the greatest comment-er but I'm here and I'm reading. Like Angie, I do read every post and I would like to read whatever you care to write about, Lyra, Simon, art, parenting, tutorials or anything at all xo

  14. I hear what you are saying and trying to figure out. I have been blessed by reading your thoughts and seeing your art and ache when you share your pain and your fears about the future. It's kind of a little of this, a little of that and all of it makes you. It doesn't fit nicely into one community or the next because as your life journeys on, you are moving from one community to the next and your identity shifts. Sigh....sorry, maybe not so helpful. Do want you need to do, but I know that this blog is beautiful to read.

  15. i'm the same rachel, but even more disconnect since i had to shut my blog down and start afresh, i still write but not to anyone anymore, i waft around my previous community, with whom i could not have survived that first year of grief, you included. i hardly leave a trail, hardly commenting. not feeling like i have much to contribute any more, but i would still hate to not have access to you in this forum, it still feels private somehow, i hope you stick around xxx anne harvey and dots mum

  16. I think it is so important to people in the early months of grief after their children have died to see others who have walked a similar path before them and are continuing to survive, have other children and have many happy moments. Hope is a valuable commodity in those raw first few months and and reading about others whose wounds aren't quite so fresh provides a greater sense of security and hope.