Family Photo

Thank you for your words on Lyra's three year anniversary. I had lovely flowers sent, donations made in her honor, and balloons released. We felt loved, and supported. Lyra was remembered.

And I've remembered so many other babies too...this season is not easy as we miss them in photos.

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I have not gotten Christmas cards out to everyone. I didn't create a photo one this year, and I didn't have the option to do as many this year either. But this is our family this December. It's a good snapshot of how things are right now. Simon just got a haircut, his first. And he looks like a little boy, which he is, of course. And we watch as he grows and learns, rebels, & loves and is amazed by trucks, sirens, & wheels.

I love how the authors of "H.ow Do D.inosaurs Say M.erry C.hristmas" wish their readers a beautiful holiday season, and I'll leave you with it:

Wishing you an "abundance of love, joy, memory, and gratitude."

Time

Three years of memory is coming up this December. As I helped a friend in town remember her son on the anniversary of the day he died, it snuck up on me that it's never really easier. It feels that way some days, or weeks. But when it comes down to the fiber of our being, to the beating of our hearts, and the memory of those little feet and hands and lips and hair...it's never easier.

I spoke with a good friend recently, and they've experienced their own grief journey for several years now. They said something to the effect of: "I came to the conclusion that I couldn't be everything. I can choose to be a good at some things. So I chose to be a good parent above all else. And the rest of it, I'm okay with being shit at." And it struck me as brilliant.

I want to be everything to everyone and everything. Perfect parent. Perfect griever. Perfect community member. Perfect artist. Perfect religious model. Perfect daughter. Perfect wife. I care too much again, and am stretching myself thin. I need to come to an understanding with myself, that I can be okay with being shit at some of that stuff. Pick the most important things, and don't sweat the rest of it. Don't fear imperfection.

I'm excited for this holiday season. I always love the cold and the scarves and lights and trees and presents for others. Simon will be two in two months, and he's at just the right age to be really excited this time around. But there's the big lump in my throat knowing it's another year come and gone without her. You know the drill by now.

Wishing everyone time to contemplate the end of another year, and time with family, and beauty in the dark shadows too. <3 p="p">

Holiday Greetings

Thank you for your words of support and remembrance in regards to Lyra's second anniversary on Sunday. We had a low key day, and then did some star gazing that evening. Oh, how we love and miss her!

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(I contemplated not putting this on here. But I've used all our names but L's, and you can glean most of our information from other places on the blog, so I just went with it. I didn't do the anonymity thing very well when starting the blog.)

Random: One year

One year has come and gone. I so appreciated everyone's words of encouragement and remembrances. L and I didn't do much...we're still figuring out what tradition we want for each year. I lit some candles and we just had a nice evening together remembering her and loving her.

Still processing what happens now, if anything. No magical switch has been flipped and our grief is now erased and we're back to normal. Ha. It's still just a day at a time.

Below are the flowers we received from various family (beautiful) and the surprise Christmas tree and bear that my family added for the season to Lyra's grave!

Random: Cyst Sonogram

My doctor was irate about the sonogram mix-up, so he made sure I got in today to get the cysts checked out. Simon decided to burrow his head down in my pelvis so the tech had a hard time seeing his brain. After a bit of work she saw there was one cyst still remaining on the left side (boo); the one on the right had disappeared (yay).

The doctor's not concerned about there still being a cyst, unless it's gotten bigger. I'm hoping Simon's heart and leg and arm measurements are all ok too, as those can sometimes help indicate if there's something else to be concerned about. The full report will be sent to my doctor so I'll know much more (hopefully) next week when I meet with him again.

Although not bad news, it's not an "All Clear", which would be one less thing to worry about.

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I'm so thankful for the ornaments I've received in the mail that were made while thinking of Lyra. I've gotten several other things in remembrance of her, and a good friend even made a donation in memory of her. And the comments here have been very encouraging. I've looked them over several times when I've started to feel down. I feel obligated to hold it all together, though I don't know what that will prove. So much is planned during these days and I've turned down so many things because it's supposed to be a fun and festive time (in regards to parties)- not deeply thoughtful and sad. And I haven't reached the point where I can just avoid talking about her or why this time of year is significant, and talk about Simon like everything's just peachy in our lives.

I just miss her, and what we were to have with her in our lives.

Random: Last Week

Today through this next Sunday starts Lyra's last week. It will play out in my head, which isn't a new or unusual aspect of my grief. It's just more prominent because it's her week...each day significant in the ironic failure of my pregnancy with her.


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I'm seeing a therapist for individual therapy now. 


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I didn't send out Christmas cards again for the second year in a row. I'm hoping that people know I care despite not getting them sent. Thank you to those who have still sent them to L and me despite our not reciprocating. 


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Wishing everyone gentleness as we continue in this season.

Random: Surprise Tree

L and I had decided that we weren't going to really decorate for Christmas this year. We put up 4 items, and called it good.

Today however, L called and told me to come join him for a late lunch break. When I showed up to his work, he whisked me away to a local tree farm to pick out a tree for our apartment. He knows how much I love surprises :)

So here is our fabulous tree! Dinah is fairly well mannered with our tree and ornaments, from what I remember of last year. It smells so good and definitely brightens the apartment. I love it...and I love the man below, holding the snoopy ornament :)