Right Where I Am 2013: Three years, Five months

I get a text once or twice a week about getting together for a play date. Simon is a few months older than G, and he can say her name now and screams when we drive by their house and don't stop. They get along as well as all toddlers do, and they hold hands occasionally. I try not to fast forward 12 years in my mind, when holding hands is something much more weighty.

G's mom, and I have a blast when we get together, even if it's just trying to tame the chaos that our children are together. We share current town news, upcoming events, and our hard dead baby days. The circumstances aren't similar in any way, until you get to the picking out a baby casket, and how to tend to a grave you no longer can easily go visit because you've moved.

We shared the other day how we watch children the age ours our supposed to be, and try to imagine what ours would look like, or how they'd act. And how it guts us to think on what we're missing. I draw and paint butterflies for her, and she participated in Dia de los Muertos with me back in October.

And I know that if we didn't have each other, the move to this town would be that much harder.
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When I'm not in charge of a my two year old and the normal responsibilities of running a household, I'm planning my next art project and what my next run will be. I'm surprised to say that running takes up a large chunk of my brain space now. An earlier post described my shame in forgetting a BLM holiday due to my anger in having had to miss a race due to illness. That forgetfulness is unheard of, until this year. I speak about Lyra, and miss her more than ever. But it's not always at the forefront of my thoughts like it used to be. I'm not sure if I can say that's a good thing, or if I feel like I'm losing the hold I had with that grief. I won't ever lose it all the way, if that scenario is accurate.

My running has allowed me breathing space to feel a sense of normalcy again. I'm a part of an online running/athletic community where we encourage, support and ask questions about whatever we're trying to accomplish. There are no politics, no religious questions or thumping, and for the most part, no one divulges much of their personal lives. To everyone there I'm just Rachel, a newbie runner who dabbles in strength training and crossfit. I've lost four toenails, my knee has been injured, and I had to miss my first half marathon due to bronchitis.

And it's kinda nice sometimes to only be known by those things.
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I'm learning who I am still. Who I am with her gone. And who I am without now feeling I have to tell everyone about her. Who I am as me, and not just me missing her. I suppose the two are synonymous. Just like with live children, you have to figure out who you are, separate from just being "Mom". But it's never questioned that you are still "Mom" and your heart would never love your child(ren) less. So I have to remember the same goes for Lyra, even though I don't have her here with me.

I think it's scary to look back at what we've come through. I don't ever want to go back to that kind of pain and hurt again. I hate thinking of Lyra's death as some catalyst for change that could not have happened otherwise. But the grief and pain and my experience of loving her still caused change. And for the first time in a long time, the hurt is not at the forefront of my thinking.
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Year One: Right Where I Am: One Year Five months
Year Two: Right Where I Am: Two Years, Five months

Add your "Right Where I Am" here.

Family Photo

Thank you for your words on Lyra's three year anniversary. I had lovely flowers sent, donations made in her honor, and balloons released. We felt loved, and supported. Lyra was remembered.

And I've remembered so many other babies too...this season is not easy as we miss them in photos.

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I have not gotten Christmas cards out to everyone. I didn't create a photo one this year, and I didn't have the option to do as many this year either. But this is our family this December. It's a good snapshot of how things are right now. Simon just got a haircut, his first. And he looks like a little boy, which he is, of course. And we watch as he grows and learns, rebels, & loves and is amazed by trucks, sirens, & wheels.

I love how the authors of "H.ow Do D.inosaurs Say M.erry C.hristmas" wish their readers a beautiful holiday season, and I'll leave you with it:

Wishing you an "abundance of love, joy, memory, and gratitude."

Three Years

Missing her lots. 

This might be a repeat image, but it's fitting for this year. L came up with the concept, and I drew it up.

Time

Three years of memory is coming up this December. As I helped a friend in town remember her son on the anniversary of the day he died, it snuck up on me that it's never really easier. It feels that way some days, or weeks. But when it comes down to the fiber of our being, to the beating of our hearts, and the memory of those little feet and hands and lips and hair...it's never easier.

I spoke with a good friend recently, and they've experienced their own grief journey for several years now. They said something to the effect of: "I came to the conclusion that I couldn't be everything. I can choose to be a good at some things. So I chose to be a good parent above all else. And the rest of it, I'm okay with being shit at." And it struck me as brilliant.

I want to be everything to everyone and everything. Perfect parent. Perfect griever. Perfect community member. Perfect artist. Perfect religious model. Perfect daughter. Perfect wife. I care too much again, and am stretching myself thin. I need to come to an understanding with myself, that I can be okay with being shit at some of that stuff. Pick the most important things, and don't sweat the rest of it. Don't fear imperfection.

I'm excited for this holiday season. I always love the cold and the scarves and lights and trees and presents for others. Simon will be two in two months, and he's at just the right age to be really excited this time around. But there's the big lump in my throat knowing it's another year come and gone without her. You know the drill by now.

Wishing everyone time to contemplate the end of another year, and time with family, and beauty in the dark shadows too. <3 p="p">

New Friends

I'm not sure what the turning point was. Or if there was a switch that flipped. Or if there was just a magical moment when everything aligned as it should.

But whatever happened, I finally made some friends. Even someone who understands picking out baby coffins.

I've had play dates, and have stayed out late partying, and dinners, and running partners. I realize how much I've missed friends who were near enough to text and gather later that same evening.

And it's directly related to my need for blogging. I do believe I'll keep this up, and keep it available for people to view my grief art, and I'd still like to participate in the "Right Where I Am" project each year. But I don't know that I'll have a weekly, or even monthly post. If you want to keep up with me more often, I'm on most every social media option available...so drop me a line if you want to find me.

I can't delete this blog. It's been too important to me. It's still important to me. It represents a part of me, and a community that was so vitally necessary to my survival. So I'll be around. Sending love to you all.

Follow Up

I'm not sure what to write after the "Right Where I Am" 2012 post. It was a big chunk of honesty.

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Thank you for all the comments. I felt so embraced. I would instantly invite you all over if I could. I'd try to convince you to do something artsy with me, and we'd eat another cranberry orange scone. I'd have my P.andora station playing, and the hours would easily tick by.

We could remember and eat and play and create new memories together. It'd be lovely.

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I was reminded of the difficulties of simple questions. I've managed to build a sort of wall against them, and even wield the simple question myself at times, against others. Unintentionally of course...a sort of camouflage technique to prove I'm "normal" again. But I know the damage and difficulties they bring, and I needed the reminder.

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I found some pages that were written the year after Lyra died. Many many many words of confusion and sadness. I'm not always sure that those words still couldn't be spoken today, at least in regards to L and I. While our life has improved drastically, and is more stable, and we are more whole with Simon, there are still broken pieces.

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I'll be away from the computer for a time, but will return. Wishing you lots of sun and love these days.

Right Where I Am: Two Years, Five months

We had a new couple over. And we never mentioned her name. Or her story. Or that aspect of our lives.

Not because she's not important. But because the last two couples we had over, we did mention her, and they never contacted us again. We run into them in town, but nothing ever happens again outside of polite chit chat.

So, last night we talked about high school, and college, and how we met and the big city. But we never mentioned how our hearts were broken and our world fell apart. Sitting here thinking about it, I guess I didn't feel the need to. Or maybe I was afraid to. I don't know if those are synonymous...or if the lack of need is somehow proportionate to the fear of rejection.

I'm lonely, with no friends in this new place. I've tried, and I seem to scare people away. I invite women and their children to events and playdates, and they don't show or respond. I wonder what's wrong with me, worried there's some great flaw that makes me the town pariah. So I scour for the flaws, seeking out what might catch people's eye.

We have pictures of stars, and me being pregnant with Lyra, and Simon...We have our candle and Lyra constellation with a Jizo set up in our home - easy to see if you visit us. Does this make us crazy? Does this make us unlikeable? Who flaunts their dead baby for others to question and squirm away from? Maybe we divulge our lives too quickly. Maybe we're the over sharers, who try too hard.

I don't have a large population to burn through, like in a big city. I don't have the luxury of saying, "to hell with them" when it doesn't work out. But I also can't pretend to be someone else. So, I hope that we'll have a chance to hang out with the couple from last night again, someday maybe sharing some more of our story with them.

Two years and five months out from her death, I'm scared to mention her now though.

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Consider joining in with where you are. Read where others are at.

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One year ago - Right Where I Am: One Year Five months

Constellations

I've been contemplating how to map out the major constellations for Simon....and me. I came up with this, and liked the turnout. I just did some watercolors, with silver pen for the stars. They are all hanging at the end of our hallway, and I love them.

(Please overlook the bad quality of the photos. I do not put much effort into taking great photos of my work or creations...something I should probably remedy.)

Fleece

We had been excited about cloth diapering (CD) since our good friends had their first baby almost 5 years ago. We saw how well it worked for them, and figured we'd do it when the time came for us.

Lyra brought out the CD crazy in L. He was getting samples and showing them to anyone who would listen. He wanted all colors and designs and it was sweet to see him so excited about preparing for her in that way. The wind was taken out of his sails though, and he has never quite bounced back in regards to his previous excitement about CD'ing.

We did disposables when Simon was first born, because we didn't have access to easy laundry facilities. Then we moved, and waited a bit. Once we got started though, I was hooked, and picked up quite of my own obsession (though we used disposables if we went out or traveled).

Until there was a month of unfortunate stomach issues with Simon. And I became quite accustomed to disposables. But I kept having this nagging thought in the back of my head, about why I had been convinced about CD's. So this last week, I gave it another go.

This might be TMI for most people, but if it helps someone else, then I'm happy to divulge :) CD's were great with nice, normal solids. But when they became smushy or less than solid, it was not so great. Of course I had read to scrape or spray the solids off. Unfortunately, I didn't have a sprayer, and for scraping I must have been doing something wrong, because it just was not as easy as everyone described.

Until I was introduced to fleece liners. Jeanette mentioned them to me, and I found some other posts about using them. So, I had some fleece (not flannel), and cut it up into sizes just a little wider and longer than the inserts I use. (I use shells, with prefolds for the daytime, and the pocket diapers to stuff full at night.)

And they are freaking brilliant. Even the smushy solids come off without becoming ingrained into the fabric, and it protects the shells so much better than before. I read that the fleece liner directs the moisture to the prefold, thus making the solids easier to detach from the liner. Plus, I figure if there is an extra runny one, I can soak the liner in a bucket, but throw the insert in our normal diaper bin.

I'll also buy some of the flushable liners here soon, and see how those doo...excuse the lame pun.

Anyways, I thought I had read it all to know how to do it, but sometimes it takes just a little gem to make it that much better.

Have you stumbled across anything that has made an element of life better for you this week? Hoping for a beautiful weekend for you all. <3

Peg People

So in case you all didn't know, Angie has some pretty kick ass ideas for her kids, life, and family. If you don't already follow her, you should. One of those ideas, that I have yet again shamelessly copied, is peg people. I remember reading one of her blog posts about her peg people, but in going back and searching, this is the only one I could find on them. I loved the idea of a tactile way of having Lucy as a part of their family. Plus, having a miniature version of your family to play with is pretty awesome too.

And so I made some for Simon. I got lots of little peg people. I plan to paint the rest of them as super heros, or knights, or pirates or something...whatever Simon might be interested in a little later. I totally was gung ho to make a castle for him, out of cardboard boxes, but I was convinced to wait until he's a bit older to enjoy it more :) But I went ahead and made our little family for him. He's liked them so far.

All credit goes to Angie, and her willingness to share those projects and ideas with us here in this community. Thank you!

Places

I've been missing places and people lately:
oceans
mountains
salt air
beaches
pine trees
rocks
Lyra
and many many friends.

Weather

It's that time of year again. The mornings are filled with chirping birds, and the days are warm...unusually warm this year so far. The afternoons consist of the clouds lining up, sucking in air and billowing out the top, preparing to unleash their energy in a variety of ways - rain, wind, lightening, thunder, hail, and tornadoes. Knowledgeable storm chasers prepare their equipment for their week long journeys on rough roads and in dinky hotel rooms across Oklahoma, Kansas, Texas, and Nebraska. Amateur storm geeks and spotters (like me) prepare by getting their apps and links on the computer, ready to follow the radars and watch what happens from afar...unless the storms are in our backyards.

I love watching the clouds. Seeing them change color from the big white fluffy marshmallows, to the deep gray that contrasts with the wheat fields in just the perfect way. Seeing the calm breeze change to a mighty fury. Knowing that in all that beauty there is also terror. A town not far from us was wiped nearly off the map a few years back. We drive through it every time we head to the big city. They are still rebuilding. So that keeps my excitement for these storms in check, knowing that they don't occur in a vacuum, with no consequences. That people's homes and communities and lives are sometimes destroyed by these sporadic moments each spring.
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Easter weekend went well. We were sick with a cold, but traveled anyway to see family down south. Simon had his first interactive Easter, and hunted eggs. Thoughts of little Easter dresses were in the background of my thoughts, but never quite the forefront as they had been in past Easters. Simon is getting old enough that he doesn't yank on my jewelry quite as much, so I have started wearing my necklaces again. I wore the one with all our names on it this weekend.

L and I got a new car. It's our first as a married couple. Or ever. Exciting, yet nerve-wracking all at once. Especially with the thought of hail in the foreseeable future. We are fortunate to have a garage for when we are home and the storms come.
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We are fortunate in more ways than just having a garage, by the way. I do know that. It doesn't always feel like it, but we are very fortunate.

Travels

We are currently passed the teething crisis of last week. It took a few days, but we made it and Simon, is more or less, back to his same old self.

Simon has a new friend who was born this past month, so we traveled to see them this weekend for their baby shower. The shower was so beautiful and it was obvious how much love there was for my friend and her little boy. 

It was in the same town Lyra is buried, so I updated the flowers at her grave, from autumn colors to  nice bright yellow spring roses. I couldn't linger, as they were mowing, and Simon was waiting. But it was a beautiful day to visit her for a few moments.

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Simon is 14 months now. He's learning so much and showing that he's quick to learn and mimic. He communicates through a series of noises, signing, and pulling us and pointing to whatever he's interested in. He can sign "more", "all done", & "thank you". He says, "mah mah mah" while he signs "more". I used to think he was saying, "ma, i want more." But it's his way of saying "more". He bobs his head and dances when music is played, and it's just so stinkin cute. When we come in from outside, he points to his shoes for them to be taken off, like us adults do, and then does a hand washing motion. He has a funny little question sounding noise, and then his pissed off screech. He's also quite adept at throwing his toys, or throwing himself to the ground and laying on his back when he's unhappy. I could go on and on about how amazing my little boy is, but of course I'm biased and know that we all have way more going on in our lives to actually read it if I did that.

My wish or hope or thought provoking statement for my friend's baby shower was to enjoy the little every day moments together. It's not just the birthday's, or holidays, or firsts or other momentous occasions that are important. For me, it's the days that I don't get dishes done because we're playing outside together, or he pulls me to go push him around in the laundry basket. I won't remember the chores in 20 years, but I will remember (hopefully) these moments with him.

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Our garden is growing. We have peas, green beans, and about a million lettuces and spinach. We are worried about heat, as it's already been unseasonably warm already, so we didn't bother with many other things. I could probably go ahead and plant our peppers though. We don't have much else, as we were worried about the heat, and wanted to start small. I'm excited for what we may get though, and it's a good start :)

Streamers

We celebrated Simon's first birthday this last weekend. I made these streamers after searching for DIY homemade decoration ideas online. It's so simple, but incredibly festive. Cut strips of fabric, and tie them to yarn or string. Voila.

I hated taking them down, but they will be used again.

I made a chocolate cake, decorated with dinosaurs. I also tried my hand at homemade oreos and shortbread cookies. I'd recommend both recipes to anyone. The shortbread cookies go particularly well with a cup of good tea.

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I felt fairly emotional about Simon turning one. Everyone always barks at you how fast it flies by. And it's true. I look back at video snippets and pictures and wonder how he could change so much in one year.

But it makes me wonder about her.

Images of pinks and butterflies and frilly skirts vanish as I run a green J.ohn D.eere tractor over Simon's legs and up and over a chair. I love roaring dinosaurs and I look forward to catching turtles and making mud pies. I don't lament over anything to do with this sweet little boy that I'm lucky to have in my life.

The shadow babies that she would have been born with are coming up on two years this month. I guess they aren't babies anymore.

It's more subtle now, but echoes of her resound in every element of our lives.

And I'm not really saying anything new.

Just a phrase

"Just wait til you have a girl...you'll understand."

*Sigh*

Two Years

Lyra,

Two years without you.

Love and miss you more than you know.

Mom

Wrapped

I'm wrapping presents in brown paper this year. I've gathered paper bags from the grocery and have a roll of brown paper as back up. I use yarn to finish off the presents, penning a flourished first letter of the person's name in place of gift tags.

It feels simple. Which is just right. The smooth brown planes of paper wrap each gift without exuberance. Without proclaiming some magical time of year with bright colors and fabled old men flying with hooved creatures. It let's me feel a part of the holidays in my own time...decorating it as works for me.

When the nurses took Lyra away to be dressed, we requested she just be in a simple dress, or just the blanket. We didn't need her all dressed up. She was beautiful and perfect just as she was. She was brought back wrapped in her blanket, and a simple white dress spotted with pink flowers. I so wish we would have known it was okay to hold her longer. To unwrap her and see her. To rewrap her as all mothers do their babies.

Thoughts fall on her more often this month. More often than the daily thoughts I already have of her, that is.

Wishing you all peaceful moments this holiday season.

Updates

This past Sunday, Simon and I traveled with my family to my old college town. The choir was performing the Me.ssiah and it would also give us a chance to update Lyra's grave.

I never know whether I'm supposed to smile in these pictures. "Look how great I look in front of my daughter's grave!" I inevitably smile because it's just what I do when there is a camera. But it feels funny.

Simon was wowed by the Christmas decorations, and it was freezing. But it was nice to go back and see her spot. I miss her.

Spoken Word Blog Round-up

Angie has again created a beautiful idea for a project that we can all participate in. Consider joining.

Friday Rainbow Baby Blog: August 19

"August 19th is about honouring and remembering the lives of babies and children that could not stay with us. By doing this we are speaking out about the death of babies whether it is through pregnancy, infant or even child loss."

~Carly Marie

Remembering Lyra, and all the other sweet babies who are gone too soon.

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On a very different note, today is:

This past week, Simon has taken to inching around. He lies on his back, arches it, and pushes with his legs. He doesn't get very far, but it's something new for him and he seems to be somewhat proud. It's made diaper changes more interesting, that's for sure.

His quickest mode of transportation is his rolling. He hasn't even considered crawling yet. I'm sure it will happen when he's ready. He likes to practice standing though, and has really strong legs. If he's anything like me, he'll skip over the crawling and go to the walking. Ultimately, he'll do his own thing though, and we'll just be patient and see.

The newest thing that cracks us up is how he feels everything. Think the 'bye bye' motion...just the main four fingers moving up and down. He does it all the time on new fabrics and his diapers and toys...EVERYTHING. And it's how he makes his spinning toys go...he's a pro at it. 

We'll see what this next week brings!