Forgetting

As my cough continued, and my nose ran on, I thumped around the kitchen. I slammed doors and threw items forcefully in the trash. L looked at me out of the corner of his eye and quietly asked if everything was okay.

Yesterday was International Bereaved Mother's Day.

And I forgot. I did not change my profile picture on fb. I did not send messages to my fellow BLM's.

All I knew was that I was missing my first half marathon. I had not ran or exercised in two weeks. And my not-cheap, first experience at a half marathon was not happening. The thumping and slamming was my pity party (and it also included a batch of no-bake cookies).

When had I become emotional about non-dead baby things? For three years I've been an advocate for awareness on anything related to miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, and infertility. For three years I scoffed at things I felt were unimportant, but that "normal" people deemed important...missing a tv show, work drama, etc.

Part of me wishes I'd been astute enough to plan for this half marathon on IBMD day, so that I could run for me and my fellow mama's. Part of me wonders if I'm losing my touch with the BLM world, and what that means. I'm confused about this new role I have, this new hobby and lifestyle. About who I'm becoming yet.

I hope you felt valued yesterday. I hope you feel valued every day, even if you don't have your baby(s) in your arms. I hope you know that even if I don't write here, I'm still thinking of you all, and of your baby(s). Sending love.

Random: books

I'm reading Anne Lamott's "Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year". She's real and rough around the edges. I like her honesty, even if she's hell bent on hating certain political parties or admitting she's struggled with all sorts of addictions and difficulties. Her friend challenged her to write down something about her son everyday, and that's how this book came about. Some days are short little snippets of thoughts or an action her son did. Other days it's a compilation of things about him, or her, or her friends.

Part of me wants to do the same...to write about Simon everyday. It goes fast. Or I've also thought about maybe taking a picture of him everyday...compiling a concoction of images from his first year. I'm not sure.  I just don't want to be 50 years old and not able to remember the things I love about these times with him. I can barely remember things from being pregnant some days...so I know it's possible to forget.

Anne has had loved ones die, so I appreciate what she has to say about surviving that and the grief in her life. I have another book of hers I plan to read as well.

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International Babylost Mother's Day is this weekend. Sending love to all you mama's and families and remembering your sweet babies.

Missing you Lyra.

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It's International Babylost Mother's Day. Much love to all you mama's. Wishing our babies were in our arms today.  Loving you always Lyra.