October 2013

This month brings about a new excitement for me each year. The October after Lyra died, I was introduced to the art swaps involving the Day of the Dead theme. And I've loved it every single year, much to the concern and apprehension of most anyone I tell. "Skulls? the Dead?" You know, creepy things. *ha*

As in my previous post, this year involves twenty artists, and I'm already impatiently waiting for my package of art later this month. Patience is not my forte. But I'm thrilled to be a part of such a talented group of creative individuals. :D

Images of my own creation and of the beautiful ones I'll receive later will be put up later in the month.

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And this month is commonly known as Breast Cancer Awareness month. Our town does a beautiful job of remembering and raising awareness regarding this particular cancer. I have never experienced breast cancer or a full blown diagnosis of a loved one, but I think on and remember those who have passed on or are currently dealing with this struggle.

But October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. There are too many women who have dealt with a miscarriage, struggled through a stillbirth, and painfully remember an infant loss...but are their voices heard? Is there research happening regarding how to prevent the 26,000 stillbirths every year in the United States? The grief that comes after any of these experiences is unique and different, but a common bond for too many women across the globe.

So I think on that, and I think on ways to help raise awareness. I think on the women I've connected with, and speak baby names into our wild Kansas winds...driving their memories around the world, and up into the stars.

Sending love to you all.

October: Day 30

Day 30 - a dream for the future

My dream function is a little broken. I could try to explain my thinking, but it would end up jumbled and rambling. So I'll just say I dream for a time when we're happy again. 

October: Day 29 & Art Every Day Month

Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Ideally our hope is to bring Simon home with us sometime in January or February. 
Our dream would be to find a more permanent place to settle down...a place to call our own.
Plans...we kinda fly by the seat of our pants.
We really just are taking a day at a time.
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And just as I finish up The Sketchbook Project, I decide to sign up for another project - Creative Everyday's Leah has a challenge every November called Art Every Day Month (AEDM). 


I'm glad with how my sketchbook turned out...I think. I wasn't all that smart - I kinda just dove into it without much of a plan, so I wonder if it flows all that well. But you know what? The point wasn't for it to be stressful, and I'm so very glad I did it. Check out the cities that all the sketchbooks will tour, and if it's near you, be sure to stop by and check it out! Let me know if you do, as I probably won't be able to catch the tour.


Anyways, AEDM is a challenge to do something creative every day of November. I have an idea of what I want to do to massage my creative brain muscles, and will divulge that closer to November 1st when I have it fully figured out :) Oh, and I challenge you to do it too!

October: Day 28

Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
I've actually changed my style quite a bit, and I'm a messenger bag type of girl now. I like having my hands free when I'm out. I had a brilliant leather one I'd gotten in London a few years ago...it barely looked worn despite how much I used it. The one I have now is yellow pleather material...I had gotten it on a whim. It's been great though, but is starting to look a bit worn out. 


I usually always have my personal sketchbook, a wide variety of pens/markers, daily planner, cell phone, wallet, checkbook, coin purse, hand sanitizer, gum, chap stick and recently an granola bar. I have a small bag that will hold my cell, wallet, and keys that I keep in the purse. I can pull it out if I just need to take a few things with me.


I imagine I'll change again if we get to bring Simon home. I'll have his diaper bag, and probably won't want to carry too much.

October: Day 27

Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death
Retail therapy...usually just 1 or 2 items at Target or Hobby Lobby. It made me feel good to get out of the house, and not necessarily around people with which I had to interact. Plus I got something new for L, the house, or myself. 


I've reigned it in a bit since those first couple months though. Now I can browse without buying. We don't have a money tree, you know!

October: Day 26

Day 26 - your week, in great detail


L works retail hour with a non-profit, so he's off Sunday and Monday, working Tuesday-Saturday. This is the most generic example of one of my weeks.


Sunday: L's first day off work. We usually sleep in, and make french toast or get donuts. We rarely do church in the conventional setting anymore - big social settings are not our thing. L favorite story is about getting together with one of the pastor's one day and playing ladder golf, drinking beer, and shooting a bb gun. We find more meaningful interactions about life & faith in one-on-one or small group discussions with friends.


Monday: L helps me with grocery shopping, or anything else that I need assistance with since it's a normal work day for most everyone else. If he wants to come with me, I can plan dr.'s appointments this day.


Tuesday: Run errands.


Wednesday: Do laundry and deep clean the apartment. This is also homemade pizza night.


Thursday: Typically dr. appointment day, if I have one.


Friday: Usually a pretty laid back day...I like to work lot on art done this day if I can.


Saturday: Sometimes I like to try to meet up at L's work and surprise him with lunch...either at a quick restaurant or bring a picnic. This is also the day I get together with 'normal work week' friends.

October: Day 25

Day 25 - your day, in great detail

I dread answering this one because there is so much in flux still, after 10 months. I quit my job a month before Lyra died for stress reasons and planned to stay home with her. We didn't bring her home, we moved right away and I had a really hard time functioning normally for a while. I didn't have a job I needed to get back to, and L didn't put pressure on me to find a new one. I really only wanted to get pregnant again, and thought that getting a new job, only to quit again was stupid. I did try for some part-time jobs, but they didn't pan out. I got pregnant, and we both decided I would just stay home with the added appointments I'd end up having, and because it worked out ok for us to have me home. 


I know people view "what you do" as a huge part of our identities as people. So I feel ashamed most times when people ask. My child died. I have no job. Who am I then? I do art, but I don't really sell it or do art shows. In regards to being a part of the educated portion of society, I'm the lowest of low, because I'm not contributing anything. I don't make money for my family. I don't volunteer to any organization. I don't mother, nanny or babysit. But I have to keep coming back to L and I...what works for us? What are we comfortable with? And that is really what matters the most.


This is a "normal" day as of late, as I don't have much holding me to a schedule:

• Wake up at 8a, in time to see L off to work at 8:30a.
• Eat breakfast...usually cereal, a bagel, or toast/peanut butter
• Read blogs/email from 9-10, and try to comment and respond
• Eat a snack of fruit or whatever is on hand at 10a.
• From 10-11:30 is good errand running time...groceries, mail, Target. Or I clean the apartment.
• 11:30ish is when L comes home and we do lunch and watch whatever we've missed on Hulu or catching up on Netflix. He gets an hour for lunch, and works a mile away, so he usually is home for lunch everyday. Somedays I meet up with friends for lunch.
• 12:30-1:30p is usually my nap time. Yes, I love naps. Immensely. Dinah curls up with me for a snooze too. I eat a snack upon waking up.
• 1:30p-5:30p -On to art time, more errand time, blogging/commenting time, meeting up with people time, or still cleaning...depends on the day. I eat another snack at 4ish (I eat something about every 2 hours).
• L gets home sometime between 5:30 and 6p. We figure out dinner...it's chili weather now, so I've been anxious to make that, and soups more often.
• We are real social duds most nights, so we're home a lot. We watch more netflix tv shows (Psych right now), play video games, have more art time, & crochet. Occasionally we hit up a coffee shop to write or draw.
• Bedtime ranges from 8:30p - 10:30p. L has restless legs, so sometimes I stay up and do more stuff. Other times I hit the sack and he comes to bed later.

And that's about it.

October: 24

Day 24 - where you live
L and I both come from towns with a population of 1,000 people, so where we are now is "big" city, but with a nice small town feel too. Many people we went to college with ended up here, and through our jobs we can actually run into many people we do know or once knew. 


We chose to live near downtown, which was close to both our jobs and supported the downtown economy. When we decide to be social, we try to support the art and music crawls that happen twice a month, and any of the local shops in the area. The neighborhood we are in is fairly transient, with lots of renters, so we don't get to know our neighbors too often. We're close to two historic districts with big beautiful houses though, and we often meander those neighborhoods. 


We aren't sure if this is our final location, but we've enjoyed exploring and getting to know the city better these past two years.

October: Days 21-23

Day 21 - a recipe
Although thoroughly unhealthy, it's quite tasty :)
Alfredo Sauce
1/4 cup butter
1 cup heavy cream
3 cloves garlic, crushed
1 1/2 cups freshly grated Parmesan cheese
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley

Directions: Melt butter in a medium saucepan over medium low heat. Add cream and simmer for 5 minutes, then add garlic and cheese and whisk quickly, heating through. Stir in parsley and serve.

Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss
I found the Creative Everyday website, and it eventually led me to Still Life 365 . Without those two sites, I wouldn't have made it. Creative Everyday gave me permission to do something...anything creative. Even if it was small. Or imperfect. And I needed that creative outlet to express my grief. Still Life 365 then was the perfect follow-up in my journey. Seeing the art and poetry daily, and how people expressed their grief in different ways was really powerful. Although I haven't posted something creative every single day...especially as of late, I still feel more confidence in myself than I imagine I would be without having taken this path.


Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh
This one makes me chuckle.

October: Day 20

Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss
I would have to say that I haven't given as much time to my hobbies since Lyra died. I used to read a lot more, and crochet more. Now I do more art and spend more time on blogs. I have vamped up my usage of postage stamps though...I've sent more mail since Lyra died than in my whole life probably (though I'm miserable at mailing things to family).


As a bunny trail, I'm old-fashioned when it comes to mail and books. I like opening the mailbox and then opening and holding that letter or ATC or whatever was sent in my hands. It has texture, and smell. Someone took time to write it, just for me.


And books...they have a texture and smell. I'm not a fan of electronic methods of reading...I like holding a book, feeling the weight of it, and flipping the pages. Our goal is to have a library room someday.

October: Day 19

Day 19 - a talent of yours*
I hate to say that my talent is my graphic design or art. I've never displayed anything on here that I did before Lyra died. I did some good design work, though always with 'my critic' hanging over my shoulder. And the actual art that I did was always hesitantly produced. Now, I rarely design, and only do art. A funny swap...since I studied four years for design, and it's the option that actually makes money. 


*While running errands today I started worrying about this post. I'm usually not good at stating something that I'm good at...I downplay anything and everything in case I fail...so people can't point at me, because I've already pointed it all out. But since Lyra died, I've been working on self confidence...so that's why I so definitively stated my talent today. I feel like I sound arrogant though.

October: Day 18

Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding

My mom met L's parents the first day of college. She liked them immediately, and encouraged me to "get to know" their sons. I only ever heard good things about them...that if you could snag one of the three available brothers, then you were lucky. Unfortunately, I was distracted for a long while by other things. But when I fell for L in my 3rd year, I fell hard. And he didn't...for a long while. In fact, our first date was a double date, and he and his friend flipped a quarter to see if they should really go on this date with my friend and I. They flipped a quarter and got 'heads' once. They wanted best of three. Another 'heads'. Best of seven. Two more 'heads'. It was a great date. My friend and I planned the next date...another good time. Our friends hit it off right away and started dating. L and I had a few more hard, honest conversations about if this was headed anywhere and what it might look like. We did start dating the end of February. We were engaged by mid-October, and decided to marry in December. It was a whirlwind year. We had very small wedding for a variety of reasons, but it fit us really well. I'm glad for L, and all he has done, and continues to do for us, for Lyra, & for Simon. He's a good man, and I am quite lucky to be with him.

October: Days 15-17

Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Ironically, when we first moved back to the midwest, a friend in Chicago was cruising craigslist for cute apartments in various places and found one for us here in Kansas. We loved it, but decided we wanted a yard for gardening, and a little more space. We were both working at that time, and so we found a cute 3 bedroom house. After Lyra died, we didn't want to be in that house anymore and I wasn't working anymore either, so it seemed better to look into another option. As we were looking, there was another apartment available in the same complex our Chicago friend had found for us here a year before. And we got it.
It's a small, one bedroom apartment. But it's got character :) Wood floors, an arched doorway into the living room, & french doors to our bedroom. We've made it our own, and feel comfortable in it. We're pretty eclectic decorators, and L insists on my art on the walls, but it's uniquely us.


Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).
Sufjan Stevens has two songs that have gotten me at emotional times...not necessarily recently though...even before Lyra. The first is his song 'Casimir Pulaski Day' and the other is 'That Was the Worst Christmas Ever'. 

Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.
I mentioned a while ago about this sculpture. I later found out it was titled 'Collateral Damage" and was by a local artist named Beth Vannatta. Much of her art is based around the casualties of war or political issues. I feel like this was a big step in creating awareness about infant/child mortality...in whatever context it is found. I viewed it from my own experience with Lyra, and it was a powerful image.
I was disappointed lately though, to find that it had been moved from it's original location...from a very public place, to a more hidden location. I'm making a big assumption here, but I'm guessing it was too uncomfortable for people to see. So it got moved, because art should only be about sunshine and lollipops...

October: Day 14

Day 14 - a non-fictional book


I don't read a lot of non-fiction actually, at least not without an assignment of some sort attached to it. After being in undergrad (both L & me), and then L being in seminary, we had a lot of non-fiction flowing through our house. I was able to take grad classes for free, so I ate up everything I could, but when I browse books at the library, (yes, I still use a library. proudly.) I examine all genres, but most of the time I walk away with fiction books.


One book that stands out in my mind though, is Barbara Kingsolver's book, "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle". In seminary, we had several friends that read it, and I borrowed a copy from one of them. She's hilarious. And she and her family purposefully lived intentionally in a way that was hard for a year, yet still fulfilling. After that year, they didn't stick to the whole regimen they had established, but they made changes in the consumer choices they made, and retained some of the practices that they had deemed healthy for themselves. 


It was inspiring to us, as we were living in a way that could facilitate some of the the goals we had for our lives...some of what she demonstrated in her book...but on a smaller level. I feel sad looking back at how excited we were about this book though. Without making a bunch of excuses, and rambling, life happened and we weren't so focused on those goals we had made. Then our daughter died, and everything fell to the wayside. I feel like a huge part of who we wanted to be, as individuals and as a couple, fell apart in order to just survive each day after that. I suppose there's always a chance to reassess goals and implement fresh ideas though.

October: Days 11 & 12

Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now

This was 16 days after Lyra had been delivered. I may be smiling, but I see the big bags under my eyes and the fact that I'm not wearing any make-up. I didn't wear any for a long, long time. I feel like I've aged a lot. I see Lyra's memory box on the table. Probably because I looked at it a lot. This picture is blurry, which is not far from what our lives were and still are to some degree.

I thought about including more recent pictures. Of me with make-up on, and where I'm feeling more pulled together. I think the 'me' in them deserves recognition for the progress I've made to become more "normal" again. To seek out the old me. But ultimately on many days, I'm still this person above...just showered and glammed up a bit more.

Day 12 - something you are OCD about
I'm not late to appointments or meetings and I'm usually the first one there. 
I'm sure there are other things, but I can't think of any right now.

October: Day 10

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now
Oof, over 10 years ago I would have been halfway through high school or younger, which means pretty awkward pictures. I tried to pick the least lanky one of myself:

This is right before I moved to Kansas and started high school. I had the opportunity to play hockey for the summer, and it was a blast. I was pretty lucky to be able to do that. I scored several goals, and I was pleased with myself for trying something new. Looking back at this picture, I think it exudes a pride and confidence in myself that I didn't (still don't?) always have.

October: Day 9

Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.


We bought a camera in preparation for Lyra, and obviously the last 10 months we've not had a baby to take pictures of. So, I take waaaay too many pictures of our cat, Dinah. 


These are some of my favorites though:

October: Day 8

Day 8 - a photo that makes you sad.

It was almost four years of being married, and we'd never had a Christmas tree. A few days after Thanksgiving was over, we decided to go cut our Christmas tree at a local farm, and have the full experience. It was a fun day...cider, crisp blue skies, and bright sunshine as we drove home with our beautiful tree. Everything was hopeful and exciting...a new tradition for our family, Lyra was due in two months, and we just were so naive.


This is one of the last pictures I have pregnant with her. A week or so after we went to the hospital out of fear and got cleared...everything looked good and healthy. Then five days later she was dead. After delivering her and returning home, our tree was not so pretty. And our house was so empty. And Christmas sucked. 


This picture represents one of our last good times as that family. In that house. With that child. 

October: Day 7

Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.

This was when we were still in California, on a small weekend vacation to the coast with some family. The weather was warmish, and we pretty much got the beach all to ourselves. We hunted for crabs and sea shells...enjoyed chasing waves and each other. It just represents a happy time, and a moment when we were content. It does make me happy.

Random & 30 Days

To update:
I called to find out some more information about the sonogram...namely if this was the basic, "We have to tell you this to cover our all bases and you don't sue us." OR if it was that they saw something that literally made them concerned that Simon has d.s.
I got a call back from the nurse who was holding my sonogram report in front of her. She read off everything that I'd be able to understand...which was that there were no other abnormalities seen. Everything measured right on track with development, and the cysts were the only reasons they brought up d.s. This doesn't necessarily put us in the clear, but I do feel slightly better about the information I could get over the phone. I still have to wait for my appointment later this month, and will discuss what the doctor recommends, and what we are comfortable with. For now, we'll just pray and hope!  
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Ok, is it lame that I'm jumping on this challenge now? I didn't think I was in enough of a mood to do it...or whatever. But I loved reading about everyone. And then I felt silly that I wasn't doing it, especially since October is Pregnancy Loss and Awareness month. So here it is, a few days  behind. See Angie's post for how it all came about.


Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
I took to Eisley's "Taking Control" as an anthem for getting through those first months. Sometimes I can't listen to it now, because it takes me right back to those intensely raw moments. 

Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
I wanted to watch anything that would be distracting. Our good friends are sweet enough to let us use their netflix account, so some of those early movies were: Robin Hood:Prince of Thieves, The Mighty Ducks, Center Stage, Bridget Jones's Diary, Brokeback Mountain, The Producers... None of those are my favorite, or really speak to me. Just pure entertainment.

Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
I watched all available seasons of Weeds, Bones and Friday Night Lights. 
Weeds was nice and distracting.
Bones is a favorite of ours - I'd get mad at L if he watched an episode without me :)
Friday Night Lights is nostalgic since we both grew up in rural towns. Sure, we knock country bumpkins, but you have to love when the weather cools, and everyone gathers at the football field to literally watch the game, or to just socialize. There's something about small town life that we miss, and would want to maybe someday give our family a taste of.


Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
Pre-Lyra: my favorite book was "Persuasion" by Jane Austen. Go ahead, roll your eyes. I know Austen is seen as a cop out. But I love the classics, and I love reading. I sometimes struggled to know what modern books to read, so the classics were always there for me.
Post-Lyra: I actually got a book from a friend right after Lyra died - "Dress Your Family in Corduroy & Denim" by David Sedaris. I can't find the note right now, but she mentioned something about how even during the hard times we need deep belly laughs...even for a few moments. I loved it. I promptly checked out any others I could find from the library.
Also, have to give a shout out to Elizabeth McCracken's "An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination". I bought two copies...one to share with others, and one for myself.

Day 5 - your favorite quote.
Um. I don't know that I had one? Probably something by Wendell Berry or J.Austen or some artist somewhere. My friend has a quote book, where she writes her favorite quotes; I think my brain is powerful enough to remember quotes, and they all get lost and mixed up.

Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
1. Blankets - snuggling, nesting, wrapping up.
2. Naps
3. Getting mail from friends
4. Watching the stars
5. Being surrounded by books
6. Painting
7. Watching a movie
8. Drinking chai or other teas
9. Sitting on or near heat sources (obviously only in winter)
10. Being on the beach
11. Playing with kitties
12. Eating outside on a blanket
13. Watching wheat blow in the wind
14. Rain or snow and no need to be anywhere
15. Candles
16. Being out on a farm
17. Coffee shops
18. A back rub
19. A good camp fire
20. Watching storms roll in 


You can look forward to answers to these in the coming days:
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
Day 19 - a talent of yours.
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
Day 21 - a recipe.
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future