Random: 30 weeks

Today marks the beginning of the 30th week of this pregnancy. My irrational side says this is when doom ensues. My rational side says doom can ensue anytime...not just at 30 weeks. Ha...real positivity, eh?

Lyra died sometime between 30 weeks - 30 weeks, 2 days. The freakish nature of not having a cause or my not having felt any pain or symptoms of placental abruption haunt me. Not knowing that she was distressed, that her heart was slowing, and that she was dying swirl around and around in my brain.

I fear not knowing again. Either not knowing about another abruption, or one of the other billion things that can go wrong. I know this is a separate pregnancy, with a different baby. But I'm still the body having carried both Lyra and now Simon. There's that element that is still the same in both pregnancies. I fear it's capabilities to keep him alive and safe.

I still proceed each day though. I still talk to Simon, and am glad when he kicks...even when it hurts. I have gathered some other baby items in preparation for him. I've had two more dreams about holding him...alive and breathing. I think these things show good progress considering all that goes through my mind. I try to keep a lid on the crazy, but it's been comforting to read posts, comments and emails from other women who have made it through a pregnancy after loss...that I'm not abnormal in my fears, thoughts and hopes.

I'm thankful for everyone's words of support and encouragement so far and as we continue on...both friends online and in real life.

Update

The high risk doctor had some new information for us, and some good news in terms of future pregnancy.

New information:

Lyra died from placental abruption. I guess they could tell from blood clots behind the placenta, and the Kliehauer-Betke test (which I'm not really sure what that is, besides the levels of fetal blood in my own). I had no symptoms...pain or bleeding...so it was virtually undetectable. I had no red flags in terms of my blood pressure, thyroid, etc. No drug use. No diabetes. So it still remains a freak accident. 

Good news:

The chances of it happening again are very slim (though slim chances are still very real to us). And there would be closer monitoring throughout the pregnancy. But I don't have any other complications or conditions to be concerned about. 

As I told some friends and family in emails, it's not a matter of medical hurdles to jump over now, it's just mental and emotional hurdles. I don't want to take anything for granted, or assume anything. 

We are opening ourselves up to a whole new level of being scared shitless. But I don't want to give up. I want brothers and sisters for Lyra. So, I guess we'll see if the road for that journey is open.